When You
Don’t Click
with
Your Coworker

2. Bring awareness to your bias.

In this context, I am referring to your confirmation bias, the basic psychological tendency to perceive information that confirms what we already believe to be true. In spite of our best efforts, we’re not objective. Everyone suffers from confirmation bias, whether we’re aware of it or not. We see and hear what we expect / want to see and hear, based on our previous knowledge and expectations. This is quite literally wired into our brains: we create “reality” through a combination of our senses – what we’re perceiving now, and our memory and previous experiences. But there are actually way more neural connections running from memory than from perception. Of all the stimulus that comes upon our eyes, ears and noses every day, we consciously take in about 1% of it. In a world full of complexity, this is a shortcut the brain takes to work efficiently and save energy. We’re always filtering; we have to. But this can create a vicious cycle with coworkers we don’t click with, because we tend to interpret their words and actions more critically than we would others’ words and actions. We may hear them, but through a lens of past hurts and disappointments. When we bring awareness to this tendency, however, we can actively work to compensate for it and make sure we’re giving everyone a fair shot.

Suggestion: If a coworker you struggle with says or does something that you interpret as a slight, or criticism, ask for clarification. There’s often a gap between what people mean to relay and how others interpret it, especially when there’s a history of animosity, and the bridge between the two is honest and open communication.

Of all the stimulus that comes upon our eyes, ears and noses every day, we consciously take in about 1% of it. Reality is at least as much a creation of memory as it is perception, per neuroscience research. How does that impact leadership?

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3. Find ways to be successful together.

I’m very conflict avoidant. Just pretend like it doesn’t exist and everything’s fine! The only problem with that strategy is there will come a time when you will have to work together, and if you haven’t built up any trust – or worse, built up mistrust – that is not an ideal starting point. It could even be on an important, high stakes project! An alternative solution? Look for ways to be successful together, then celebrate those successes and try to build off of them. Take the initiative to “win” together and build at least a little of that trust with low stakes.

Suggestion: Choose a small project to do together, or seek them out to help with a component of something you’re working on. Then celebrate the success, express genuine gratitude, and try to cultivate the positive feelings that may have been hard to come by in your relationship so far. It’s tempting to think of emotions as something that happens to us – and in some sense, they are – but we also have the power to create emotions.

Collaborate Better with Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is being smarter with feelings. It’s bringing thoughts and feelings together in a healthier, more productive manner. Too often, when faced with a challenge like a difficult coworker, we get stuck in a cycle of stress, frustration and negativity. We fail to see options and simply react on autopilot, even if it doesn’t get us any closer to our real goals. I hope you find these tips to be a helpful way to shift the emotional dynamics in a positive direction.

All 3 of these tips fall under the Choose Yourself part of the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence. Choose Yourself means doing what you mean to do. Instead of reacting “on autopilot,” it’s a set of competencies that allow you to proactively respond. To evaluate the costs and benefits of your choices, even unconscious ones. To use emotions as a strategic resource. And to take a proactive perspective of hope and possibility. To believe that there are options, and we are in the driver’s seat of our lives.

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