Betrayal is a strong feeling that can be difficult to process. Why? Because the trauma of the betrayal creates fear, shame, secrets, and intensity. These feelings may even mix with love and longing for the person by whom we feel betrayed.
In 2009 I experienced a situation where I was hurt by someone I trusted. I was shocked and instantly felt helpless, confused, afraid and hopeless. I had a choice to make: Was I going to choose to remain angry, bitter, or resentful or assume the posture of a victim? Or, was, I going to choose to embrace the pain of betrayal; attempting to understand it and work through it to heal?
I would like to say I immediately took the high road, but I didn’t. To cope and get through the initial shock, I repressed my pain.
Many times, people don’t know how to deal with the emotional pain of betrayal because our culture doesn’t encourage reflection and genuine expression of our feelings. We become skillful at distracting ourselves by keeping busy with work in an attempt to shield ourselves from feeling the pain. Or for some, they self-medicate to ease the anxiety, stress, and hurt.
In the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, we talk about the competency of “Navigating Emotions.” When we use this competency, we harness the power of a feeling and use it to move forward. The first step is to acknowledge, and then to accept that the feeling is real. The problem is that feelings like betrayal are so painful it feels nearly impossible to even face the emotion.
Experiencing a major betrayal is like experiencing a death. We have feelings of loss. Our hearts ache, our capacity to trust may be bruised and our innocence is tainted. When we’re betrayed by someone we love or respect, the pain can be incredibly intense – perhaps even more than physical pain.
But just as the pain of an injury makes us slow down and rest, emotional pain has value too. Physical pain is a distress signal that some part of our body needs help. So, too, emotional pain is a distress signal that some aspect of our life needs help. Taking time to understand these emotions and consciously redirecting the thoughts, feelings, and actions can move us adeptly through the situation.
So the next time you feel brutally betrayed, remember you have a choice. When you’re ready to move forward, tap into the energy and information of your emotions. Allow the experience of betrayal to bring amazing insights about you and your relationships. Let it provide clarity as to who you are and what you want and need.
Wanda Townsend
Wanda Townsend is a Six Seconds Advanced Practitioner with over 17 years as a trainer and coach.See 4 more posts by Wanda Townsend
Thank you Wanda – I needed that. Going through a betrayal from a friend right now. Hope I can take the high road as you did.
Beautifully written piece about embracing emotion and then deciding what to do with it.
Poignant..Thats the word that immediately flashes in my mind as I read this wonderfully crafted fabric of words! So true, yet so tough. The feeling of betrayal and loss can be greater than death…as one has to live beyond it.Coping does’nt happen easily.But once it is learnt, life and loss take on a different meaning alltogether.
Thanks for the article.
wanda, i so appreciate your artilcle. i recently experienced exactly the process you share here and i am to grateful to be able say that i am now experiencing that clarity you speak of and also a deep peace
Thank you for the wonderful insight. Your message was much needed and appreciated!
So beautifully explained, but so difficult to do. I struggle with betrayal more than most negative emotions. And my anger frightens me. I appreciate your wisdom and will try to be open to all my emotions.
I understand this but how do you move on. I just can’t see that especially dealing with those in your circle of influence who just watched and after the betrayer has left pretend nothing happened. It is like an elephant in the room they all know it and you know they feel guilty but say nothing
You are dealing with the actual betrayal and the audience who watched. Could someone just say, wow that must have been bad for you, or I saw that but I was frightened they would do that to me too so I said nothing at least that is acknowledgement.
I am sure that each one of us has felt betrayed at some point in our lives, but it’s our choice not to feel the hurt….It’s upto us to treat it like a bridge and not a block! We must remember that we could also have unwittingly betrayed some……..