I’ve spent a good portion of this Saturday morning thinking about a work relationship that isn’t working. As I replayed the scenarios in my mind my anger remained–“Nan” seemed to “play games” whenever I asked for help.
What to do? EQ teaches us to examine our thoughts (and assumptions), feelings, and actions. As I do this, I’ve begun to unravel some internal and external dynamics. I now know that I need to talk to Nan directly. This may seem overly obvious (!), but my workplace (like most) is a minefield of conflicting and sometimes controlling personalities, unclear or fuzzy hierarchies, toxic gossip, and in my case, complex union rules. Indirect communication is the norm. I’m also the newest person in the organization. No wonder I’ve been very reluctant to have this conversation.
While the specifics may differ, the hidden drama of a workplace is universal. In my case, I now realize that I’ve also delayed my conversation with Nan because I’ve been reluctant to bring in my superior (the norm). I’m afraid that “Joyce’s” style could make matters worse. Can I try to talk to Nan alone?
EI offers techniques and principles but each workplace is a unique system filled with idiosyncratic individuals. This is why workplace dilemmas can feel so intractable. There are no quick fixes, only the slow unraveling of our biases, our assumptions, and our fears. This morning’s musings have led me to a fresh appreciation of the complexity of my situation. Nan isn’t a villain, nor am I. We are two people doing the best we can. With that belief, I am now more ready to have a compassion-filled conversation with Nan.
To be continued……
Laura Lewis-Barr
Hi Laura,
This is such a challenge. I hope it’s a great learning experience and thank you for including us in it.
I tend to be conflict avoidant, and I think that generally I am afraid of hurting people’s feelings and “getting out of control” – but I know logically that I’m a “grown up” and have total freedom in these situations… yet emotionally I feel scared and tense — I think that can make it worse.
Thought:
Often people go into these conversations “loaded.” For example, if you are assuming “Nan” will escalate/blame/shame/explode… then you’re probably walking in with a big emotional charge.
If you’re assuming that, what might happen if you changed your assumptions – even reversed them? What if you walk in with the assumption that Nan WANTS to talk with you, that it will be a relief for her too?
Warmly,
- josh
Thanks, Josh. You’re right, my expectations will create a myriad of unconscious nonverbal messages that either help or hurt my meeting with Nan. Then, the trap is falling into negative spirals of self-fulfilling prophecies. My goal is to continue to pay attention to my feelings which indicate the messages I’m sending out unconsciously. Thankfully, we’ve had a few short discussions and my interactions with Nan are now moving in a positive direction.