How does your own awareness affect your clients’ awareness? We’ll dive into ICF competency #7, but focusing on honing our intuition as coaches.

Honing Intuition as Coaches: Emotional Intelligence from the Tao te Ching 🌱

by Joshua Freedman, MCC

 

First, I want to acknowledge the suffering in Israel & Palestine and that many of us are experiencing big and difficult emotions in relation to what’s happened and happening. I know it’s not enough, and I hope that by growing and practicing emotional intelligence, we can increase the capacity to connect across the barriers that separate us. In the meantime, my heart breaks for the children and families.

Second, I hope you’ll join the emotional intelligence community in upcoming free Cafés & mini-workshops (webinars). One of my patterns is: When I feel overwhelmed, I withdraw. Yet this is generally when I most need to reach out and connect with others. Can you relate? 🙋If so, perhaps it’s even more important right now to be in community with fellow emotional intelligence allies.

The most frequent question I’m asked after a demo coaching session: “How did you know to ask ____(some question)?”

Honest answer: I don’t know exactly.

I used to feel frustrated by this question and my inability to answer, so over the last decade, I’ve paid more attention to my own attention… and the clues that guide my awareness.

Take a look at the International Coaching Federation (ICF) competency 7, “Evokes Awareness: Facilitates client insight and learning by using tools and techniques such as powerful questioning, silence, metaphor or analogy.” There are 11 indicators, all of which are about the client, eg, 7.4, “Asks questions that help the client explore beyond current thinking.”

How do you do this without first strengthening your OWN awareness as a coach?

If you follow me on LinkedIN (and now I’m on Bluesky!), you know I frequently turn to the ancient wisdom of a Chinese philosopher-poet named Lao Tzu, the founder of Taoism. He wrote a collection of poems called the Tao te Ching. The sixth is about awareness:

“Complete and full awareness

Is like an open valley

Of endless generation

That doesn’t reach finale

It is a simple presence

It’s a nothing you can see

You’ll find it right at center

Wherever you may be”

– Lao Tzu, Tao te Ching verse 6 

(trans Jim Clatfelter 2020)

 

 

What does this suggest to you about your awareness and your clients’? Three messages resonate with me:

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Three tips from the Tao te Ching to strengthen coach’s awareness

    Open valley… without finale

    Awareness is ongoing. It flows on and on, so keep the doorway open. I’ve noticed when I think, “I know the answer,” I shut down my own awareness – conversely, when am humbly uncertain, I learn more. Shoshin is a term from Japanese Zen Buddhism about this, usually translated “beginner’s mind.” I first learned about it when I read The Tao of Pooh (Benjamin Hoff) about 40 years ago. 

    In the Emotional Intelligence Coach Certification, we have a lot of participants with a ton of experience in related work; already certified coaches, qualified psychologists, long-time mentors, or people who’ve done coaching without being certified. And there are often people who are quite new to coaching who feel intimidated by all the experience. Over and over I’ve had this conversation: Being less experienced might make you a better coach. Expertise gets in the way of coaching. If you ‘know,’ you’re not coaching.

    It’s a nothing you can see

    Pay attention to the neuroscience of attention: To focus is to ignore. Our brains work through networks, as some networks become more active, they take more energy. To get the energy, the brain suppresses other networks. Most of us have learned to focus our attention on quantitative, external data such as studying a math problem. We learned to suppress our discomfort, suppress other interests, suppress our self-awareness in order to do that well.

    In a pioneering paper, Mary Helen Immordino Yang et al found that the ‘task positive network’ (active, for example, in studying a math problem) is anti-correlated with the ‘default state network’ (used, for example, in compassion). When you focus on one type of data, you ignore another. The implications for education are profound, read this article for a practical guide.

    In terms of the line from the Tao te Ching, J.H. McDonald’s translation of this line is a bit different, “It is like a vapor, barely seen but always present.” 

    The point for me is that awareness is something to sense gently. Soften your view and FEEL. Focusing means ignoring, so ease off the gas and coast. Less efforting – tap into the ‘lazy coach approach.’ This requires unlearning the old ways of focusing, and stepping out of the trap of urgency to be more present AND more open.

    You’ll find it right at center / Wherever you may be

    We’re conditioned to look outside ourselves. Literally billions of dollars a year go into sending us the message that we need to chase after success & happiness by acquiring… that what we long for in a product or other external commodity. The commodification of self-worth is magnified by social media and the outsourcing of our self-regard: we’re bombarded with not-so-subtle messages that we’re less-than, and our value is measured in external validation (research). How many ‘likes’ does it take to feel whole?

    In this cacophony, is it possible to hear the subtle whispers of intuition? 

    For me, the big comfort of this chapter of the Tao to Ching is that I have this capacity inside. Akin to ‘Wisdom Lives Within’ from Six Seconds’ Learning Philosophy, consider: What if you DO have the capacity already? What if you DO have this awareness? What if you DO have an inner-knowing? How does it feel to shift the challenge from “I need to sharpen my intuition,” to: “I can tune into this wisdom”?

    As I’ve shared before, I used to be afraid of emotions. They seemed so unpredictable and confusing. First I became curious, then started to value them. Now I’m learning to trust that emotions are a voice of wisdom. One of the most powerful sources of support for this journey? Being in community with others who are on a similar journey. This is why I believe that the ‘network’ part of Six Seconds’ name is central to our mission of strengthening the world’s emotional intelligence… and why I’m constantly encouraging you to join and engage in the abundant opportunities to connect with fellow emotional intelligence allies

     As usual, my recommendation is you try these tips on yourself first. Then adapt and experiment – and please share with the rest of us what you learn along the way!

    And, if you have questions you’d like me to explore in a future 🌱 EQ Coaching newsletter and/or video, please post in the comments, or feel free to reach out to me via our contact form.

    … and don’t forget to Click here to subscribe to the EQ Coach Newsletter.

    Whether you’re a professional coach, or contemplating earning certification as a professional emotional intelligence coach*, or you’re someone who uses coaching techniques to support others: of course these questions apply to us first.

    * Did you know? In addition to top-level accreditation from the International Coaching Federation, the EQ Coach Certification is one of a handful of coaching certifications in North America that also provides master’s level credit? You’ll earn almost ⅓ of your MBA or MA in this program.

     

    For more on EQ and Coaching 🌱, I recommend:

    Joshua Freedman
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