Beyond Individual Identity: A Social Approach to Coaching Self Awareness and 360 Feedback
“That feedback isn’t accurate”… sound familiar? What if this common coaching challenge is actually rooted in a myth of identity as a solo sport? Discover how the most effective coaches help clients move beyond “me vs. them” thinking. This social approach to coaching self-awareness transforms feedback-resistance into breakthrough moments with a practical 3-step process.
The Self-Awareness Coaching Dilemma
Picture this: Your client just received 360 feedback, and they’re visibly frustrated. “My team says I’m too direct, but I’m just being efficient,” they insist. “That’s not who I am at all.” As a coach, your instinct might be to help them dig deeper into their “authentic self” or defend their individual perspective. But what if this entire approach misses the mark?
Traditional self-awareness coaching often treats identity as a solo sport—something we discover by looking inward, independent of others. Yet this individualistic lens can leave clients stuck in defensive positions, dismissing valuable feedback as “inaccurate” rather than seeing it as essential information about their impact and relationships.
As an author of the Leadership Vital Signs and SEI360 feedback tools, I’ve worked with hundreds of coaches and thousands of clients as they explore meaningful 360 input. Perhaps because these tools provide such substantive feedback, they can be hard to handle. All too often, their initial reactions of defensiveness create barriers – and I’ve experienced that myself when I use the tools myself.
There’s a better way: coaching self-awareness as fundamentally social, recognizing that our identities form and function within community. This approach transforms the common tension between self-perception and others’ feedback from a problem to solve into wisdom to embrace.
True self-awareness isn’t about knowing yourself in isolation; it’s about understanding how you show up in relationship and the impact you have on the systems you’re part of.
The False Binary: Self vs Others Perception
When clients receive feedback that conflicts with their self-image, they often get trapped in what I call the “perception binary”—the belief that either their view is correct, or others’ views are correct, but not both. This either/or thinking shows up in coaching sessions as:
- “That’s not accurate feedback” (defending self-perception)
- “I guess I don’t know myself at all” (abandoning self-perception)
- “I can’t be authentic and meet their expectations” (self vs others needs)
This binary thinking isn’t just limiting, it’s culturally biased. Much of our coaching literature emerges from individualistic Western contexts that prioritize personal autonomy over community harmony. Research on individualism and collectivism (Brewer & Chen, 2007) shows how Western approaches often fail to account for different cultural patterns of identity formation. But for clients from more collectivistic backgrounds, dismissing others’ perspectives isn’t just unhelpful—it violates fundamental values about how identity and decision-making work.
Even in individualistic cultures, research consistently shows that our wellbeing, longevity, and success are deeply tied to relationship quality. We literally cannot thrive in isolation. So why do we coach self-awareness as if we could?
The Social Nature of Identity and Self-Awareness
Here’s what neuroscience and social psychology have taught us: identity isn’t something we discover in solitude; it’s something we co-create through relationship. Consider how Markus and Kitayama’s landmark research, Cultures and Selves, describes our identity formation process: “Experience is socioculturally patterned, and the self reflects the individual’s engagement with the world that is the source of this patterning.” They describe a “cycle of mutual constitution” where our sense of self both shapes and is shaped by our social and cultural contexts.
From infancy onward, we learn who we are through feedback loops with others. Our sense of self emerges from countless social interactions, cultural messages, and relational experiences.
This has profound implications for leadership development and 360 feedback. When team members say “you’re too direct,” they’re not providing objective data about your personality, they’re sharing their lived experience of being in relationship with you. Both experiences (yours of “being efficient” and theirs of “feeling steamrolled”) might be equally valid and important.
The research on social relationships confirms this relational reality. A comprehensive meta-analysis of social relationships and mortality (Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton, 2010) found that strong social relationships increase survival odds by 50%; that’s higher than the impact of quitting smoking. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed participants for over 80 years, consistently shows that relationship quality is the strongest predictor of life satisfaction. Leadership effectiveness, too, depends not just on individual competencies but on our ability to create the relational conditions where others can thrive.
Coaching Tools to Apply
When clients are resisting feedback or falling into binary thinking, help them shift to see the gift in the feedback. “What if this isn’t about changing who you are, but about choosing how you show up?”
Three strategies to explore:
The Assumption Check
Coach Questions:
- “What story are you telling yourself about this feedback?”
- “If your colleague saw this situation, what might they be thinking?”
- “What would need to be true for their perspective to make sense?”
Listen For (EQ Clues):
- Defensive language (“But that’s not true!”)
- Absolute statements (“They always…” “I never…”)
- Emotional intensity around being “misunderstood”
The Options Expander
Coach Questions:
- “If both views contain some truth, what might that look like?”
- “What’s another way someone might see this situation?”
- “How might this feedback actually be a gift?”
Listen For (EQ Clues):
- Shift in body language when new options emerge
- Voice softening or brightening
- Use of “maybe” or “perhaps” instead of absolutes
The Impact Focuser
Coach Questions:
- “Is this the impact you want to have?”
- “What would success look like in this relationship?”
- “If you could wave a magic wand, how would others experience you?”
Listen For (EQ Clues):
- Movement from past-focused to future-focused language
- Shift from “they don’t understand me” to “I want to connect better”
- Energy and curiosity about possibilities
The most powerful question here is often the simplest:
‘What if both perspectives contain truth?’
The 3-Step Framework for Social Self-Awareness Coaching
Instead of helping clients choose between competing perspectives, we can guide them toward a more integrated understanding. Here’s the framework:
Step 1: Surface the Assumptions
The first step is helping clients notice the stories they’re telling themselves about the feedback. Often, these stories contain hidden assumptions that create unnecessary conflict.
Key questions:
- “What assumptions are you making about this feedback?”
- “What assumptions do you think others are making about you?”
- “What would have to be true for their experience to make perfect sense?”
The goal isn’t to prove anyone right or wrong, but to surface the underlying beliefs that might be limiting options. When clients say “that feedback isn’t accurate,” they’re usually operating from assumptions like “feedback should match my intentions” or “others should see me the way I see myself.”
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Step 2: Expand the Options
Once assumptions are visible, we can explore alternatives to binary thinking. Research on expert judgment (Tetlock & Gardner, 2015) shows that the most accurate decision-makers consistently avoid either/or thinking and instead consider multiple possibilities simultaneously. The most powerful question here is often the simplest: “What if both perspectives contain truth?”
This isn’t about compromising or finding middle ground—it’s about expanding capacity to hold complexity. Your client can simultaneously be:
- Someone who values efficiency AND someone whose communication style impacts others
- Authentic to their values AND responsive to others’ needs
- Right about their intentions AND responsible for their impact
Other useful questions:
- “Are there other ways to see this situation?”
- “If you were consulting on this from the outside, what might you notice?”
- “What would it look like if this feedback were a gift rather than criticism?”
Step 3: Focus on Impact and Intention
The final step shifts from defending positions to exploring possibilities. Instead of asking “Is this feedback accurate?” we ask “Is this the impact you want to have?”
This reframe is crucial. It moves clients from:
- Past-focused (“That’s not what I meant”) to future-focused (“How do I want to show up?”)
- Defensive (“They don’t understand me”) to curious (“How can I connect better?”)
- Fixed (“This is who I am”) to growth-oriented (“How can I develop?”)
The key questions become:
- “Are you coming across the way you want to?”
- “Are you having the impact you want to have?”
- “What would success look like in these relationships?”
Reframing 360 Feedback: All Perspectives Are True
This is where the magic happens. Instead of seeking one “objective truth” about personality or leadership style, we help clients recognize that multiple truths can coexist. It’s true that you intended to be helpful. It’s also true that others experienced you as overwhelming. Both realities matter.
This reframe transforms 360 feedback from a judgment to be defended against into valuable market research about your leadership brand. If team members consistently experience you as unapproachable, that’s not “wrong” feedback—it’s crucial information about the gap between your intentions and your impact.
The question becomes: Given this information, what do you want to do? Maybe the feedback reveals that your natural communication style isn’t serving your leadership goals. Maybe it shows that you need to be more explicit about your positive intentions. Maybe it suggests that certain contexts bring out aspects of your personality that don’t align with your values.
None of this requires changing your core identity. It requires expanding your repertoire of how you show up in relationship.
Case Study: From Binary Thinking to Systems Awareness
The Situation: Jia (name changed) came to coaching feeling torn about her adult son’s situation. He had lost his job several months ago and was struggling to move forward. Jia felt stuck between two choices: either step in and “fix” his problems by offering (unwanted) advice and support, or step back completely to avoid being overbearing. “I keep trying to coach him through this,” she explained, “but I feel like I’m failing him.”
The Binary Trap: Jia had unconsciously created an either/or scenario:
- Either she helps him intensively (and risks being seen as controlling)
- Or she doesn’t help him (and feels like an uncaring mother)
Applying the Framework:
Step 1: Surfacing Assumptions
Coach: “What assumptions are you making about your role here?”
Jia realized she was assuming:
- That she should be able to “fix” her son’s career situation
- That if she couldn’t help him directly, she was failing as a mother
- That her son’s struggle was primarily her responsibility to solve
Step 2: Expanding Options
Coach: “Are there other ways to see this situation beyond helping intensively or not helping at all?”
This question opened up Jia’s thinking. She began to see herself not as an individual trying to rescue her son, but as part of a family system navigating this transition together.
Step 3: Focusing on Impact
Coach: “How does it feel to consider yourself as ‘a member family’ rather ‘the responsible mom’?”
Jia’s whole demeanor shifted. “That feels so much better,” she said. “I don’t need either/or here.”
The Outcome: By moving beyond binary thinking, Jia discovered multiple ways to support her son while honoring both his autonomy and her care as a mother. The coaching conversation shifted from individual problem-solving to systems awareness: a much more sustainable and emotionally intelligent approach.
Key Insight for Coaches: Notice how the breakthrough came not from choosing sides (helicopter parenting vs distant parenting) but from reframing the entire situation. Jia’s self-awareness deepened when she understood herself in relationship, not in isolation.
‘Is this the impact you want to have?’
Conclusion: Identity as Community Asset
True self-awareness isn’t about knowing yourself in isolation: it’s about understanding how you show up in relationship and the impact you have on the systems you’re part of. When we coach from this perspective, we help clients develop what might be called “social intelligence” – the ability to navigate the complex interplay between authenticity and adaptation, individual needs and collective wellbeing.
This approach doesn’t diminish individual identity; it enriches it. Clients discover they can be both true to themselves and responsive to others. They can honor their values while adapting their expression of those values for maximum positive impact. They can receive feedback as information rather than attack, and use that information to become more effective in their relationships and leadership.
For coaches, this represents a profound shift from helping clients “find themselves” to helping them “create themselves” in community with others. It’s messier, more complex, and infinitely more rewarding work. Because ultimately, the goal isn’t just individual growth: it’s creating the conditions where everyone can thrive together.
The next time a client dismisses 360 feedback as “inaccurate,” try asking instead: “What if this feedback is exactly accurate about their experience of being in relationship with you?” Watch what opens up when we stop fighting reality and start working with it instead.
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