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Practice: The Emotional Iceberg
When change breaks down, it’s almost never about the surface-level issue. It’s about what’s happening underneath – the emotions, expectations, assumptions, and unmet needs no one is naming.
One of the simplest and most powerful tools from The EQ Gym Workbook (by me and Natalie Roitman) is the Emotional Iceberg. This version of the Iceberg is to examine an interaction with another person.
This tool helps us see beyond the “what happened” and tune in to the deeper emotional story, both our own, and others’. Draw an iceberg and label the left-half SELF and the right-half OTHER.
The Iceberg of Self
Think about a moment where you reacted to the other person in a way you regret – maybe you snapped, withdrew, blamed, or froze.
- Above the Waterline (Behavior):
- What did you do or say?
- What did others see?
- Below the Waterline (Feelings):
- What were you feeling underneath the behavior?
- What were the vulnerable or hidden emotions driving that reaction?
- Deeper Below (Needs and Beliefs):
- What needs were activated?
- What story or belief was running in your mind?
The Iceberg of the Other
Now flip to the right side.
- Above the Waterline (Their Behavior):
- What did they do or say?
- How did it affect you?
- Below the Waterline (Possible Feelings):
- What might they have been feeling under that behavior?
- Deeper Below (Their Possible Needs & Beliefs):
- What might they have needed?
- What belief or fear might have been driving them?
Why It Matters
Most of the time, we get stuck in conflict because we’re reacting to the surface behavior – and assuming the worst about what’s underneath. But when we slow down and ask, What else might be going on here?, we make space for empathy. We open up a new way of seeing each other – as people with feelings, with needs, with stories that matter.
This shift allows us to move from blame to understanding… and from tension to trust.