The 3 Parts of Empathy: Thoughts, Feelings and Actions
Practicing true empathy requires all 3 parts. Here’s how.
by Alexandra Tanon Olsson
Empathy is one of those words we hear often, but living it is another story. Many of us imagine empathy as simply “putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes.” That’s part of it, but real, effective empathy runs deeper. It’s not just what we think about another person, but also what we feel with them and how we respond. True empathy is made up of three parts:
- Thoughts (cognitive empathy)
- Feelings (emotive empathy)
- Actions (empathic action)
Each part plays a distinct role, and all three work together to help us connect more deeply, respond more effectively, and strengthen our relationships.
Why Empathy Matters
Empathy is how we connect with others and build strong, trusting relationships.
Decades of research show that relationships are the #1 predictor of personal and professional success — and even of longevity. (Harvard Grant Study)
In the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, Increase Empathy is one of the eight core competencies measured in the SEI (Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment). Studies using the SEI have linked empathy to better leadership, improved teamwork, and higher life satisfaction.
The 3 Parts of Empathy
1. Cognitive Empathy – The Thinking Part
Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand someone else’s perspective and what they might be thinking and feeling. It’s the mental map you draw of their world, informed by your knowledge, observations, and experiences.
It’s often compared to detective work; you gather clues from body language, tone of voice, and context to form an educated guess about their inner world.
Why it matters: Without cognitive empathy, we risk misinterpreting situations entirely. It’s the foundation for compassion and action because it helps us avoid assumptions based purely on our own perspective.
Example: You notice a colleague avoiding eye contact in a meeting. You think they might be feeling overlooked or excluded. That thought sets the stage for deeper connection.
Tip: Even when you think you understand someone’s perspective, check your assumptions with gentle curiosity: “I imagine that might have been frustrating; is that right?”
2. Emotive Empathy – The Feeling Part
Emotive empathy is when you feel with someone. It’s a deeper, emotional resonance that goes beyond mental understanding.
We’re biologically wired for this, with mirror neurons that fire both when we experience an emotion and when we see others experiencing it. When you see a friend’s eyes fill with tears, your own chest might tighten. This is emotional contagion at work; our biology pulls us into shared experience. We don’t need to “think” about the other person being sad, we actually experience it firsthand. And it’s both automatic and a choice: we can allow ourselves to feel with others, or we can shut down to protect ourselves from discomfort.
Why it matters: Feeling with someone breaks down walls of isolation. It sends a powerful nonverbal signal: You are not alone.
Example: A friend tells you they didn’t get the job they hoped for. As you listen, you feel a wave of disappointment in your own body. That shared feeling strengthens your connection.
Tip: Let yourself feel without rushing to fix. Many of us have been socialized to avoid discomfort, but empathy sometimes means choosing to sit in it with someone else.
For a deeper exploration of presence and connection in relationships, see The Power of Presence.
3. Empathic Action – The Doing Part
Empathic action is the doing part of empathy. It goes beyond simply understanding others and sharing their feelings: it actually moves us to take action and to help however we can. That comes in many forms, depending on the situation, ranging from direct help, to asking how you can help, to just sitting in silence with them and not “doing” anything — which is often exactly what that person needs us to “do.”
Why it matters: Without action, empathy can feel incomplete. Even small, thoughtful gestures can help someone feel seen, supported, and valued.
Examples:
- Bringing a meal to a friend who’s grieving.
- Asking, “Would you like me to just listen, or would you like to talk through ideas?”
- Simply sitting in silence together.
Sometimes the action is less about doing more and more about being more. As our friend David Tubley said: “Don’t just do something, stand there!”
The Science of Empathy
Empathy isn’t just a nice idea; it’s hardwired into our brains and bodies.
- Mirror neurons help us experience others’ emotions in real time.
- Oxytocin, sometimes called the “bonding hormone,” increases feelings of trust and connection.
- Polyvagal theory shows how our nervous system responds to social cues, influencing whether we feel safe enough to connect.
Understanding these mechanisms reminds us that empathy is both natural and intentional. We’re biologically equipped for it, but we also need to consciously choose it in a world full of distractions.
Common Pitfalls: Why We Get Stuck in One Part of Empathy
Many people stop at cognitive empathy because it feels safer; it keeps that emotional distance. The problem is, this self-protection can limit authentic connection.
On the flip side, some people overemphasize empathic action, rushing to offer solutions before the other person is ready, which can unintentionally shut down their processing.
True empathy is finding the balance. It’s about being intentional and allowing yourself to think, feel, and act in ways that fit the moment.
Before you read on, we thought you might like to download our free Practicing EQ eBook. These evidence-based exercises will not only enhance your ability to understand and work with your emotions, but will also give you the tools to foster the emotional intelligence of your clients, students or employees.
3 Tips to Practice Empathy with Emotional Intelligence
It’s one thing to know that empathy matters and another to practice it in the messy, real-world moments of life. Most of us don’t naturally balance all three parts of empathy. We lean toward one, usually the thinking part, because it feels safer. But the heart of empathy is stepping into that vulnerable space where we allow ourselves to feel and to respond with intention. Here are three simple ways to strengthen that skill with emotional intelligence:
1. Focus on the “how” and the “why.”
Instead of asking what happened, turn your attention toward how this person might be feeling and why they might be feeling that way. This shift moves you beyond surface-level understanding into genuine curiosity. It’s less about solving the mystery and more about honoring their experience.
2. Ask before helping.
Sometimes empathy looks like listening without fixing. A simple check-in question like, “Would you like to talk through options, or would you rather I just listen?” gives the other person agency. You’re not assuming what they need; you’re inviting them to tell you. That in itself is an act of respect and care.
3. Offer suggestions, not solutions.
When the time is right, you can share an idea without pushing it as the answer. Saying, “Here’s something that’s helped me; maybe it could be useful for you,” keeps the focus on them and avoids the unintentional pressure of swooping in as the fixer.
These practices take the abstract concept of empathy and bring it into daily life. They help us resist the urge to stay at a safe distance, or to rush in with quick fixes, and instead cultivate empathy that is thoughtful, heartfelt, and sustainable.
Empathy in the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence
Empathy doesn’t live in isolation; it’s part of a bigger picture of emotional intelligence. In the Six Seconds Model, Increase Empathy is one of the eight core competencies measured in the SEI (Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment), the world’s most widely used EQ tool with over one million assessments completed across 200+ countries.
The eight competencies are woven into three pursuits:
- Know Yourself (awareness)
- Choose Yourself (intentionality)
- Give Yourself (purpose)
Increase Empathy sits in the Give Yourself pursuit; the part of EQ that’s about extending beyond your own perspective to connect, serve, and contribute. In other words, empathy is not just about understanding others; it’s about offering yourself in a way that makes them feel valued and seen.
Here’s how empathy connects across the model:
- Know Yourself: When you recognize your own feelings and biases, you avoid projecting them onto others.
- Choose Yourself: When you pause before responding, you create space to decide how to show up with compassion.
- Give Yourself: When you choose to act with empathy, you build trust and strengthen relationships.
That’s why empathy is such a powerful connector. It’s not a soft add-on to leadership or relationships; it’s the very bridge that allows us to move from self-awareness into purposeful, outward impact. Research with the SEI shows that leaders who score higher in empathy aren’t just more “liked”, they’re more effective. Their teams are more engaged, more innovative, and more committed.
At its core, empathy in this model is about aligning thought, feeling, and action so that our humanity shines through in work, in family, in community.
Are You Ready to Choose Empathy?
Empathy is a conscious choice and a skill you can strengthen. Practicing it through thoughts, feelings, and actions makes you a better friend, colleague, leader, and human. And in a world where genuine connection is sometimes rare, that choice matters more than ever.
So next time you notice someone struggling, remember: empathy isn’t only about understanding them. It’s about thinking with them, feeling with them, and responding in ways that remind them they’re not alone. That simple act of choosing empathy has the power to change relationships and maybe even the world around us.
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