In our corporate work, we often talk about “engagement” and the drivers of an engaged workforce (committed, present, proactive). I was thinking about how parents sometimes are “under-engaged” (passive) and other times we are over-engaged (enmeshed). It’s a very challenging balance, and perhaps it’s at the heart of being an emotionally intelligent parent.
First, to clarify what I mean, I made this little graphic:
Some essential questions:
Where are you, and where is your partner/coparent if any?
When you lean too far over to one side or another… which side? Why? What needs of your own are pushing you there?
What’s in the middle? What’s it like for you, your child(ren), and other family members when you are in the middle?
What would it take for you to hang out in the middle more often?
The the moment, I’m just left of center. Patty probably leans a little toward to the right.
When I’m out of balance here, usually it’s leaning toward disconnection. I find the chaos of family life sometimes overwhelming, and my pattern is to withdraw – to here, on my computer. I tell myself I have important work to do, but often it’s just escaping to a quiet place where I can be “in charge” (ha).
In the middle I feel more alive as a parent. I’m able to step back and watch my kids growing, treasuring that, without feeling that their mistakes are somehow “my fault” … and without feeling any need to take ownership of their successes. In the middle, I can set up boundaries and guard rails, and let them have immense freedom within those parameters. I can be more proactive and less reactive. I think they find it more challenging, but in a positive way.
For me to be in the middle more often, I think I need to let go of “doing something” and focus more on “being someone” — I tell myself that I need to have a plan or activity to engage, but that’s probably a way of avoiding the feeling of chaos. The truth is, a certain level of chaos is actually fine if I remind myself that this isn’t going to “spin out of control” because I can monitor for that and take charge if needed.
Your turn!
Joshua Freedman
Hey Josh, I love the concept of teaching parents the continuum between under- and over-engagement. Helping parents establish a middle-ground could be a true life-changer for both them and their kiddos!
Last week, I became a certified instructor of an excellent EQ-based parenting program from http://www.NurturingParenting.com, which teaches the very basics of caring for and about kids. This training helped solidify my opinion that I’dl rather parents were over-engaged than under, as over-engaged at least assumes some level of Empathy!
Hi Josh, I love how your blog can refocus the mundane, repetitive “chores” of parenting. Self-examination is such a powerful tool to improve our parenting skills. Several years ago, I shared an evening with high school parents and their HS student(s) exploring communication. The central ideas (which are so congruent with six seconds) are that we need to learn/teach listening skills and beyond that we need to listen for “meaning”. The ideas and resources are available from PBS “Inside the Teenage Brain” . See Ellen Galinsky’s resources; you will need to share these with your teen. Both teens and parents loved the exercise. Josh, Thank you for all you do to promote the “Enduring Skills” so lacking in today’s world.
Great post Josh,
I am now a full-time grandparent. What I find is that I am very balanced in my approach to child rearing this time around. When my children were young I was mostly to the left and very out of balance. I was distracted, absent and at times cold due to my preoccupation with career and a lack of emotional maturity. Fortunately, my children survived my parenting and we now have excellent relationships. The change in me can be largely attributed to two factors: Wisdom acquired through age and considerable training in interpersonal/intrapersonal communication and EI.
Thank you Ed — I wonder if there’s also some dimension to grand-parenting where you’re less attached? I’ve heard it’s easier to kind of “step back” — maybe that’s part of being at the balance point of this engagement spectrum.
I think many of us will be glad to hear that with experience and EQ study we can do better!
🙂
I think defining middle is challenging most of the times, because middle keeps changing…
I posted a thought on my blog
http://solafabatterjee.blogspot.com/2010/08/center-point-of-her-time-line.html
last year when it suddenly hit me that the way my kids need me “engaged” had changed.. from spoon feeding to setting life goals, being a role model.. it also hit me when I linked MY relationship with my kids to HOW my relationship with my parents had become.. How to be engaged? And how far to be engaged??
Thanks for sharing Josh
Hi Solafa – I agree with you – the middle can be elusive… and perhaps it’s different on different days, different situations…
– J
Josh
This is a good thing to share with parents. I am wondering if you might be able to connect me to some articles and handouts on this topic that I can share with families.
Thanks Paula – not yet. I’d like to write more about this, but haven’t yet.
Is it fair to say that a great leader and a great parent have similar qualities and strategies?
Great question Kristy – I certainly see a lot of overlap. Do you?
A difference might be around the systems — I mean: As a leader, I am committed to the relationships with people in context of the organizational needs, systems, structures. If someone isn’t wanting to go along w the organizational direction, that take a priority over my personal relationship. That’s not true w my kids I hope. 🙂
It’s pretty illustrative and easily explainable to parents. Thank you Josh for graphical format.
Parenting is a wonderful job. No one is 100 % expert in that. Also it is an integrative activity. Because one parent is more engaged in work; it becomes automatically another parent’s responsibility to get more engaged in parenting. Or vice–versa.
When both the parents are engaged in balanced way will be the most ideal situation. Children will be definitely extremely happy, will share more, enjoy.
But some job profiles keep people extremely engaged in their work and eventually children learn that parents or parent won’t be always available for them. My husband’s job profile is one of them. So it becomes naturally my responsibility and when I have extra work at my college or school my husband easily handles it, he may not be with them for all the time but they feel that he will be there for them anytime, I think sometimes this faith between parents and children is also very important. Thus, we both try to achieve balanced parental engagement with each other’s help.
Ideal individual parental engagement we achieve in some situations, but cannot in all the situations, where we cannot have it, we ask for helping hand of the co-parent always. A real fun in parenting…
Hi Arati- you bring up an important point about time available.
I think there are 2 factors:
– How much time do I have with my kids?
– How do I use the time I have?
Karen McCown, Chairman of Six Seconds, often points out there is a BIG difference between “taking time” and “giving time” — maybe we only have 10 minutes available. Do we give that? Or do we take time away from “what’s important”?
I think one could be very actively engaged in the 10 minutes… or over engaged… or under-engaged.
What do you think?
Arati:
I really liked your comments about the balanced parenting that you and your husband strive for. Sometimes it’s just not possible to be as engaged as one would want, but the knowledge and comfort that others are available to step in is crucial. Whether family or friends, it’s like the saying, it takes a village to raise a child. I think it’s also healthy to be able to step away, whether for one’s work or just for one’s own balance and health, and feel comfortable that others can and will engage in a nurturing and creative way, even if not your way, with the kids.
Hi
Susane Stillman,
Thank you very much for your valued addition here. I really liked the second part, that says that,its also healthy to be able to step away. I am actually experiencing that in my family.
Thank you agian
Arati
Thank you Josh for clarifing as usual beautifully. In that case I am little more at right and my husband keeps moving from little lower to little higher of the middle point of the spectrum.
One thing I would like to share here is, He keeps kids engage though he is not available physically.
Thank you for your explaination.
Great article for parents, couples, grandparents, thank you!
I think the middle would be ideal frame. Sometimes if not more often, your partner puts an extra 40% on your scale and when that happens, it makes it a bit difficult to stay balanced,in the middle and in control.
Thanks Bea! You make an important point that adds to what Candace said — not only is it a dynamic balance, but it’s also one we don’t “control” by ourselves. Co-parents, other caregivers, teachers, friends, etc., can all affect the balance. I think sometimes we perceive, “That person pushed us out of balance, I need to balance that,” but we can do that without actually checking if that’s the reality… nor if that’s truly our responsibility… 🙂
I suspect that when 2 parents are involved, the middle is commonly achieved through balancing the boat- you lean left, your partner leans right. I know that is what happens in our busy house of 7. You have me thinking though, what if both of us individually strived for middle… I recently wrote an article about balance… http://www.powermomsunite.com/2011/05/25/reconnecting-after-disagreement/
Engaged parenting is not easy… thanks for the wonderful blog! Great information and food for thought!
Hi Candace – I certainly agree with you about the balancing act. And, I suspect sometimes one parent leans further than “ideal” in response to her/his perception that the other is leaning the other way. So collectively we can create a balance w our partner, but that can push us individually out of balance.
Thanks for sharing!
-J
Thanks, Josh! I would like to use this in my parenting workshop. Is that all right with you?
Michele
Please do!
Thanks for asking Michele, and please let me know how it goes.
🙂
Dear Josh,
Thank you for this post, sharing the “under—— over engaged” spectrum. Being a new mom, I feel I am learning daily and your post brings me a new perspective.
Having clear emotions and behaviors listed in the “under” and “over” helps to identify it, BUT the difficult one is the one I strive for, it is the balance in the middle. Having a clear list of emotions/attitudes/ behaviors would help me to arrive to it.
I would add in the balance “Present”, “Attentive”, “Creative”… What else you think should be in the balance?