No one ever told me grief felt so much like fear.
-- C. S. Lewis (1898-1963)
Imagine your feelings as a lake with water flowing in and out. Tragedy often blocks that flow of water. Grief allows us to find a new route for the water, otherwise the lake turns stagnant, starts to die, and can poison the life around it.
While grief is painful for the griever and those around, it is a cleansing, healing process. Grief is an essential process for our emotional selves to make sense of tragedy. Grieving follows steps, but each person grieves in her own time or his own way. Grief can only end if you let it begin.
It is a challenge in the world today to create space and opportunity for these kinds of feelings. A context is important because grief is intensified by feeling lonely, misunderstood, or different.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
-- John Vance Cheney
Grief Activities...
People often say, "How are you?" without actually wanting to know the answer, and often in a context where the person can only respond superficially (e.g., passing in the hallway). For one day or one week, notice if and how often you do this. Practice asking in a way that people can actually answer.
Contact a grieving friend in an email, voicemail, or letter. Tell the person three things you appreciate about him/her.
At the end of a day, make a list of errors you do not want to repeat. Burn the list, and begin anew in the morning.
If you are missing a relative or friend because of long distance separation, remain connected by each creating a "book of memories" to share when you are back together.
Many cultures deny the need for tears. Next time you want to cry because of a book, movie, poem, story, situation, let yourself go. Feel the tears washing away sorrows, guilts, pains, and let yourself stop when you feel ready.
Think of a favorite possession. Now imagine that it is broken. Does this change how you think of it?
Sometimes people feel that grief is unsafe because it opens them to hurt and to negativity from others. It can help to create an imaginary place (e.g., a garden, room, or sanctuary) to go through the steps of grieving. Consciously imagine going to that place for each step. The steps are denial, anger, rejection, guilt, bargaining, depression/confusion, and acceptance.
People often get stuck in one or more of the stages of grieving -- for instance, they might feel that it is not ok to be angry. Take large sheets of paper and paint or draw what each of the seven steps might look like. As you do, consider if you are ready or willing to have that feeling; if not, what would be the costs of having the feeling? The benefits?
Using tiny strips of tissue paper and glue, make a bouquet of flowers. As you make each petal and each flower, make them in honor of the person for whom you are grieving.
"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his brother."
-- Kahlil Gibran
Research Says...
Boys and men are more vulnerable to grief and tragedy, and their recovery time is longer.
Fusion Questions...
What is the difference between grief and sorrow?
On the previous page there is a list of stages of grief -- do you agree that those are the stages for most grief? How about for you?
Some people talk about grief being physically painful – why do you think it hurts to grieve? Does it also feel good? Why?
"When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth
by the memory of hours when we loved not enough."
-- Maurice Maeterlinck, Wisdom and Destiny, 1898
Younger Books and Movies...
Badger's Parting Gift, Varley -- Badger's friends heal their grief by recalling the lessons that he taught.
Old Pig, Wild -- before dying, Old Pig savors life with her granddaughter.
The Yearling, Rawlings -- a classic story of loss, both of a beloved pet and of the innocence of childhood.
Losing Uncle Tim, Jordan -- As he's dying of AIDS, Daniel's uncle teaches him that "the sun is always shining someplace" even if can't always be seen.
Older Books and Movies...
The Next Place, Hansen -- a picture book for all ages about an inspirational journey of light and hope to a place where hurts are left behind.
Losing Isaiah -- a social worker saves an infant; later the biological mother sues for custody.
Visions of War, Dreams of Peace, Van Devanter (Ed.) -- nearly three decades after the end of the US war in Vietnam, nurses grapple with healing.
Role Models...
Anna Sexton -- whose poetry documented her struggle with mental illness.
Mary Harris Jones -- survivor of disaster after disaster (husband/children died of yellow fever; the Chicago Fire ruined her home/business); she became famous as a labor organizer for young exploited coal miners and railroad workers.
Henry Lou Gehrig -- met his disabling disease with courage and fortitude.
