A few weeks ago Max (now almost 4) and I were driving
to San Jose to find Banneton (baskets for proofing bread)
for Patty's birthday present. Max fell asleep in the car.
I'm envious of how he can do that, just melting into his seat.

As we got there, I was thinking how great it is that Max
has grown out of the stage where he had a big fuss on
waking up. I was looking forward to our special shopping
expedition and time together, and I picked him up out of
his car seat and carried him, drowsy, toward the store.

He started to fuss then quickly escalated to screaming. I
had no idea what he wanted, and I think he had no idea
either, but I kept trying to solve the problem, and it
kept getting worse 'till he was screaming "BAAAD
DAAAADDDDY" at the top of his lungs -- right outside
the store. Shopping was NOT going as planned.

Finally I picked him up and carried him screaming back to
the car. I waited a minute, then tried to "talk him down”
-- and succeeded in stirring him up again. Finally after
what seemed to be an endless back and forth, I just went,
sat in my seat, put on some music, closed my eyes and waited.

Ten minutes later, Max got himself ready, and we had a
great shopping expedition.

Reflecting on my reactions and failed attempts to "fix
it,” I realized that over and over in my personal life and
my professional life, I follow that impulse to take
action. Whether the challenges are technical,
relational, or emotional, I rely on my competence
and effectiveness to find a solution -- even when the
problem isn't mine to solve.

Max's upset was not with me and he did not want my
intervention. He needed time to sort himself out, and
once I stepped back he could do so. I remembered a
friend saying, “Don’t just do something -- sit there!"

It's such a challenge! To just sit when I "know" I can
make it better is much harder than taking action. In a
Certification training recently I found myself wanting to
comfort a participant who was struggling with an issue --
but remembering the lesson I chose to let her have
ownership of the challenge and its solution. I made it
my job to just sit there.

Many of us have a tendency to "take on more than our
share." It’s an essentially noble impulse, a way of taking
responsibility and contributing to the general welfare.
At the same time, it can lead us to burnout, lead others
to victimhood, and it can be ineffective.

When we take on problems that don't belong to us --
giving unwanted advice, pushing solutions on others, or
over-caring -- we make ourselves into little dictators.
We're taking away others' autonomy and power, sending
a message that we are more competent, more right, more
powerful. We build dependence and power imbalance.
Also, when we get busy solving other people’s problems
it’s hard to deal with our own.

Of course if we take on LESS than our share we become
victims because we wait for others to solve our problems.
It's also all too common to see people who seem to
"under-care," taking no responsibility for anyone or
anything. This leads to a death of the spirit, a
withdrawal from the human race. We are communal
animals and we will find neither bliss nor grace
pretending others don’t matter.

To avoid the trap, I can ask myself, "What part of this
is my issue to solve?" and work on that piece. If I am
fully accountable for that part, I can then be open and
available to others who might want help with their part.
Part of what’s "mine" is respectfully caring for others,
and respectfully caring for myself. The biggest part is
being conscious and intentional, which requires a
careful awareness of my own emotions.

In the situation with Max, my part to solve was my
embarrassment (I thought others would judge me
because my child was screaming "bad daddy" outside
the store), disappointment (I had an expectation that
was not met) and frustration (I wanted to make
something change and was not successful). Each of
these ties to a set of patterns of feeling and beliefs
that are not particularly functional.

In retrospect, Max was giving me an opportunity to
deal with my own emotions. And inviting me to "just
sit there" so he could deal with his.

Warmly yours,
- Josh
(in the air between Bangkok and Abu Dhabi)

********************************************
Feel free to forward if you keep this part too:
©2005 Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds EQ Network (www.6seconds.org)

Joshua Freedman is the Director of Programs for
Six Seconds EQ Network, a not-for-profit
organization teaching emotional intelligence to
organizations, schools, and communities around
the world. Join us online: http://www.6seconds.org