The Nature of Stress

Today I felt distressed. Life seemed just too complex,
the pressures to large, the mountains too high. This
stress affected my thinking and feeling in a downward
spiral of gloom.

As I think about writing this piece, I have a powerful
urge to minimize the unpleasantness and avoid appearing
weak. I know that as a "strong, confident man," I'm not
"supposed" to talk about these feelings. Strong men don't
want to just crawl in bed and cry, do they? And emotional
intelligence "experts" are definitely not "supposed" to be
depressed, right?

The last few days have been challenging. Nothing earth-
shaking, and when I talk to people whose spouses are dying,
and people whose companies are on the verge of bankruptcy,
and people whose employees are stealing from them... my
troubles seem so petty (am I minimizing again?)

Still, it's been troubling for me, so my stress level
has been high. My back's been aching, I've been tired,
and I've had a hard time focusing. Nothing's was going
right, and I didn't see that it was going to change. This
pessimistic thinking was creeping in (notice the "nothing"
and "never"). It's a fine line between stress and
depression.

This "fine line" is shaped by neurobiology. Because I
was stressed, my cortisol level increased, and therefore
my seratonin was inhibited. Seratonin is the "happy
chemical," and it creates contentment, or well-being. So
as I became more stressed, I got to be in a "worse and
worse" mood. If I had stayed in stress, the effects
would have been even stronger.

There are many different strategies for getting out of
this downward spiral. Journaling, exercise, a change of
scenery, and humor all are recommended. I tried two
different approaches today: Weeding and Listening. One
of my realizations was that the pressure to "get out of
the bad mood" was actually interfering with my learning.

Weeding:
One of the great benefits of working at home a lot is
that I can wear my wireless phone headset and work while
weeding a bit of the garden! Remember that if I'm coaching
you. Today that was not enough, so eventually I went to
the vegetable garden and REALLY weeded.

The problem with this stress-cure is you've got to have
weeds. The benefit, of course, is your garden gets really
spiff!

I suspect there's some therapeutic quality to ripping
unwanted weeds out. Direct action, visible results.
These are great for stress. For myself, I suspect the
larger benefit is reconnecting with nature.

With the pace of my worklife, it's easy to spend days and
weeks in front of the computer, in traffic, on airplanes,
and in office buildings and hotels with no fresh air. I
cease to be a human being, and become a component of the
information age. Kneeling in the dirt and getting my
hands in the soil is a powerful counterpoint.

I suspect the reconnection to nature calls forth
something primal, human-as-animal, and no-nonsense. Still,
it wasn't quite enough. Despite almost two hours of
weeding today, I was not done with feeling ERRRRRR.


Listening.
In the midst of a feeling I didn't like (stress, anxiety,
depression), I tried several strategies to get the
feeling to go away. Then (again) I remembered that
feelings have value. This has been one of the biggest,
most difficult lessons of EQ for me. Feelings have
value, even feelings I don't like.

The weeding helped reduce the urgency of the feelings,
but they were persisting. I forced myself to go for a
walk, and was thinking about writing an article on how
to manage feelings of stress... and suddenly I just stopped
(in the middle of the apple orchard), realizing that I
was avoiding the feeling.

I took a few minutes just letting myself feel stressed
and depressed, and listening to those feelings. What
were they telling me? What was the wisdom of these feelings?

I had two realizations.
1. There are a bunch of items under my control and
direct influence that I have not been taking care of.
For example, one contributor to the feeling of stress is
financial, and I realized that I have not sent invoices
out for several weeks. I've also been taking on projects
that are not particularly rewarding and so I've been
over-busy. In both of these examples the unpleasant
feeling was an appropriate reminder to get my act together!

2. I have not been thinking enough about my real purpose.
A driving sense of purpose is an incredible resilience
asset -- insurance against stress. But I'd slipped from
"doing my work because it truly matters" to "doing my work
because it's my job." Perhaps this is a natural consequence
of being busy, having to pay bills, etc, but again the
unpleasant feelings were an appropriate response to my
lack of focusing on what's truly important.

The two strategies -- weeding and listing -- have some
common themes. Both have a component of reflection, and
a component of direct action. These two dimensions seem
paradoxical, and that's one of the wonders of being in
touch with feelings. They are ripe with paradox.

I'm glad to report that today I feel 90% more focused than
yesterday, I've sent out three invoices, completed two
projects that have been dangling over my head, and feel
energized to get engaged in the next items on my list.
More importantly, though, I'm coming into today reconnected
with a sense of purpose, and recommitted to listening with
love and acting with accountability.

============================================================

Please forward, so long as you keep this part: This is
an EQ Reflection © Joshua Freedman, 2004 from Six Seconds
EQ Network -- www.6seconds.org

To learn more about emotional intelligence and how it can
improve your business, school, and personal life, visit
http:/www.6seconds.org -- where you can read dozens of
articles, take surveys, send e-cards, find EQ speakers and
experts, browse upcoming events from around the EQ world,
shop for books, tests, and training materials -- and find
out about our effective, research-driven training and
consulting solutions for business, healthcare, and education.