Last week was a great reminder of why I do this work.

Monday morning dawned in Calgary with a new icing of
snow hiding the emerging springtime. Rather a shock
after the steamy heat of Singapore the week before,
but a lovely way to start the week.

As usual, our Certification group was a diverse blend
of people from many walks of life -- a team treating
youth addiction on reservations across Canada, several
business consultants, educators working with various
ages, and some individuals seeking EQ for themselves.

It was a week of laughter and tears, of wonder, of
compassion, and the unique blend of awareness and tools
that mark our programs. Through this blend of thinking
and feeling, of developing EQ and learning EQ teaching
tools, the "motley" collection of people becomes a
high-performing team. In different ways it happens
in all of the Certification courses we run -- partly
because of the course itself, and largely because of
the people who choose to come to these programs. And,
last week was exceptional.

There are two qualities that I find particularly
valuable for people who give emotional intelligence
training or lead with emotional intelligence, and last
week I paid particular attention to observing these
attributes in action. They are "Emotional Depth" and
"Emotional Presence."

I hypothesize that they are skills that can be learned
because I see people develop in these areas. While I
talk about these qualities with my team members, I’ve
never defined them in a way that I find satisfactory --
nor have I seen the terms used much in the scholarly
literature. I find them valuable, though, so here are
some descriptions:

Emotional depth is the ability to handle complex
feelings -- to "sit in the middle of the fire and not
shrink back." People who have this quality are not afraid
of feelings, they don't flinch from pain nor do they hide
from joy. It seems that emotional depth comes from
overcoming adversity, from finding love amidst the perils
of daily life. Emotional depth is probably closely tied
to empathy.

I know I am in the presence of someone with this quality
because I feel less afraid. With no ostentation, no show,
they quietly look you in the eye and nod their heads.
People with emotional depth don’t “have it all figured
out,” and they certainly don’t pretend to. Rather, they
accept the paradox of their own complexity -- and yours.
They don’t need to smile, they don’t need to “make nice,”
they simply are reservoirs of the profound power of
feelings.

Emotional presence is the ability to authentically show
feelings in an appropriate way. People who are
emotionally present connect with others, they are
animated and alive without being contrived and "fake."
They quickly build rapport or connection with others
because you can see the light in their eyes.

I recognize someone as "emotionally present" when she
looks at me and I believe she knows what she’s feeling.
Her words and body language match. It's not that the
emotions are "out of control," but somehow they're not
cut off, not buried.

When I see people with these abilities, it is crystal
clear to me. It’s also easy (though not always
comfortable) for me to see how I am using (and not
using) these skills myself. I can tell when I’m
accessing or cutting off my emotional depth, and I
can feel when I’m emotionally present vs. emotionally
absent. I’m curious if these terms make sense to you
and you see them in yourself and others.

By the end of last week, it seems our group had more
emotional presence and emotional depth -- and the
snow had melted; an apt metaphor of the transformational
power of EQ. I hope you are able to join one of our EQ
Certifications soon and experience it for yourself (http://www.6seconds.org/training) -- and a heartfelt
thank you to the Calgary group for committing to a
powerful level of emotional depth and emotional presence!

Warmly,
- Josh

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PS. New Newsletter for Healthcare Leaders:
"VitalSigns for EQ Leadership" is a monthly-or-so
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Articles by Joshua Freedman and team!
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http://www.healthretention.com/

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This is an EQ Reflection from the Six Seconds Emotional
Intelligence Network. Please forward to others, and please
keep this part too:
©2004, Joshua Freedman, http://www.6seconds.org

Joshua Freedman is the Director of Programs for
Six Seconds EQ Network and an expert on developing
emotional intelligence or organizational performance.