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Precious Feelings

When someone is experiencing a strong feeling, sometimes we
"try to help" by telling her or him "it's not so bad." This attempt
to minimize the negative experience -- to save someone from
the struggle, actually undermines the effort to help.

Sometimes when Max wakes up from his naps, he's sad --
especially when his mama isn't home. Since Patty often uses
naptime for her work, I've struggled to keep wakeup time from
being a descent into wailing. Yesterday when he woke up, I
practiced recognizing his feelings without fixing or correcting.

"I want Mama," sulked Max, somehow accusing me for being the
wrong parent.

My initial impulse was to react with hurt and say, "Well she's not
here and I am, so take or leave it, bub." I resisted, and instead
said lovingly, "You really want Mama, don't you?"

"Yes," replied a slightly-less-vexed Max.

I forgot my plan for a moment, and shifted to "reality" saying,
"I'm sorry she's not here, Maxie, but I'll snuggle with you." I
was thinking, "She's going to be here in ten minutes, it's not that
bad!" I suspect he heard my effort to minimize his feelings:

"GO Away Daddy. I want MAMA," re-escalated Max.

Again, part of me felt rejected and wanted to go away. Instead, I
chose to speak to the want that Max was expressing. I sat down on
his bed and said, "I really miss her too. It's sad when she's not
home."

"Yah," admitted Max, reaching out closer to me.

"She's such a good snuggler, and so warm and just right. I love her
so much too -- sometimes I really miss her."

"Yah," affirmed Max, now snuggling close to me.

"I wish we could both snuggle with her right now. She could hold
you close, and we could all squeeze into your little bed. And we'd
just have a lovely snuggle."

Suddenly, Max changed gears and spoke in his "you-silly-Daddy
voice" -- "But my bed isn't big enough."

When I gave into the impulse to "solve" the situation by telling
Max the facts, I was forgetting (again) that facts are not relevant
to the emotional brain. When I say, "You know Mama's going to be
home soon, right?" I'm also saying, "You should not feel sad."
While my impulse may be kind, it's actually dismissive.

Max wanted his mama, facts wouldn't change that. When I stopped
"fixing it" and participated in his world, I let him feel that I
truly understood his feelings. In the end, he knew I understood,
and that let him move on.

It's fairly easy to see this in child of two-and-a-half -- but
the premise is true for people of all ages. Feelings are real,
even when the causes don't make sense to another person. And
when people are sad, understanding is infinitely more precious
that facts.

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Feel free to forward, and keep this part too please:
This is an EQ Reflection from 6seconds.org ©2004 Joshua Freedman
To learn more about emotional intelligence for your family, school, business, and yourself, visit http://www.6seconds.org