Anyone whose watched preschoolers has heard descants of
"That's MY (whatever)" and knows that jealousy is one of
the core human emotions. Children's jealousy is a major
challenge for most adults -- perhaps in part because
jealousy is also difficult for us as adults. Today Max's
best friend, Addison (AKA "Addy boy"), was over this
evening, and we conducted some unplanned experiments
about this challenging feeling.

One of the central pillars of Max and Addy's friendship
is their mutual delight in all things tractor. They both
have tractors (of course), tractor pajamas, tractor
shoes, tractor hotwheels. It's a veritable construction
yard here and across the street at Addy's.

As sometimes happens when you're just over 2 feet tall,
Addy was having a melt-down evening. For awhile, in fact,
I had all three kids screaming and crying -- a little stress
test to make sure I really want to be a parent, I guess. I
might add that my stress level was increased anyway
because Patty's hour-long event at the B&B was
stretching into the third hour...

Anyway, the evening became infinitely more pleasurable
when, with no overt influence on my part, Emma decided
to tackle the challenge of comforting Addy. She kept getting
up from the table saying, "I know Daddy..." and bringing a
toy or book to distract him.

Max was watching the scene from his high chair with two
fists full of "bunny noodles," a slightly -healthy version
of macaroni and cheese. Every time Emma brought Addy a
tractor or tractor book, Max began to shout.
"My book!" "That's MYYYYY BOOK!"

While I had an impulse to scream, I decided to be amused
and curious instead. Rather than telling Max that "in our
family we share," (a frequent Freedman family mantra),
I decided to experiment.

"Your right Maxie," I said seriously, "that IS your book."
(pause for more shouting) "Yes, it is yours -- that's right."
The shouting diminished!

Then I said, "Addy's just having a turn" (volume increases
from the high chair) -- "And you can have it back in one
minute -- you will get your book back."

We repeated variations of this scenario for a good half hour,
so I got to experiment with a few alternatives, and
reinforcing Max's ownership (and letting Addy have all the
toys and books) worked quite well.

My friend Ayman Sawaf says that jealousy is a feeling that
tells us we're not clear about our relationship with a thing
or person, and it's a call to clarify who owns it. That's
probably why Max felt such a stab of pain when Emma gave
the treasured books to Addy -- Max is not clear that they
really are his. Especially when Emma, who acts like she
owns everything, is the one giving the books away.

Adults tend to hear, "That's MY (whatever)," as selfish and
rude -- perhaps it would be more useful to hear is as a
question. I wonder what would happen if adults could also
do this in their interactions with other adults? I hope you
will be willing to try it out and report back! Next time
you feel yourself getting jealous (coveting, wanting what
someone else has, feeling like that praise or fast car or
person should be yours), listen to that silent inner
shout of, "That's MY (whatever)" and turn it into a
question -- "Is that my (whatever)?" The one question
will probably lead to others -- "Do I really want it?" "Am
I working for it?" "Why do I want it?"

Enjoy your experimenting this week! And please let me know
what you discover.
- Josh

Joshua Freedman


Please feel free to forward and share, just keep this too please:
This is an EQ Reflection from Six Seconds EQ Network: http://www.6seconds.org
©2003, Joshua Freedman.