My trip to England was a rich experience filled with EQ learning;
I met with many people who share a commitment to practicing and
teaching EQ. The main event was the second Ei(UK) conference;
Geetu Orme invited me to help host the conference and draw together
threads from a group of inspiring speakers. Before and after the
conference, I had the privilege interacting with remarkable advocates
for this work. So, I'd like to share a bit about the conference, the
rest of the week, and an important lesson for parents about short-
term and long-term thinking.


The Ei(UK) Conference
I see great value in these conferences because when groups get
together to affirm their commitment to this way of working and
living, the shared commitment creates a power of its own. One of
the speakers was John Peters, an RAF pilot who became a prisoner
in the first Iraque war. He shared two ideas that I see as
transformational. The first is that when he finally realized that he
is just a human with human weakness, he found his greatest strength.
The second is that true leadership is creating trust so people will go
further than they will without you. While it may not be as dramatic
as John's story, we can see in our daily lives -- in this era of rapid
change and uncertainty -- that trust is scarce and the ability to
create it is essential.

Steve Langhorn talked about the emotional intelligence project he
led at Whitbread, a very large group of restaurants in the UK. Steve
said maybe it's obvious because they are in a people business, but
the emotional intelligence of restaurant staff and managers has
everything to do with the success of the projects. He said their
successful teams thrive on creating a positive emotional experience
for the customer, and that doesn't happen without strong emotional
resources within the team. Their research shows that if all their
managers matched the EQ-i profile of the most successful managers,
it would result in a 34% profit growth. The most critical EQ-i
factor in the profile is high flexibility. (A report is available on
the Ei(UK) web site, http://www.EiUK.com.)

James Park discussed the Antidote project to bring emotional literacy
to UK schools. His major message is that this is a systemic change that
requires a holistic approach and thorough execution.

Geetu presented fascinating data on leadership and EQ-i profiles: It
turns out that vast numbers of leaders struggle with interpersonal
skills, even though that's the foundational skill for top leaders.
There were several other speakers sharing case studies, personal
examples, and projects. The upshot: If you're serious about
developing emotional intelligence, the results are powerful. You
increase team engagement, you meet customer needs better, you
lead in a more meaningful and substantive way, and your
organizations thrive.

In addition to thread-pulling, Geetu asked me to provide a definition
of emotional intelligence. I looked at the various models
(Mayer-Salovey-Caruso, Bar-On, Goleman, IHHP, Cooper-Sawaf,
and Six Seconds) and attempted to find the overlap. We all seem to
agree that emotion is important -- that it adds value in our ability
to function (rather than being in the way) -- and that thought, feeling,
and action influence one another. We also all seem to agree that
self-awareness is foundational, and that emotional awareness is
central to understanding ourselves and others. A "generic" definition
is that emotional intelligence includes being aware of yourself, being
aware of others, then making choices in accord with that awareness:
Self-Awareness (emotional literacy)
+ Other-Awareness (empathy)
= Conscious Choices (impulse control, using emotions, optimism)


Wise Women
One of the greatest rewards of the work I do is the occasional chance
for in-depth conversations with people who've made practicing
emotional intelligence their life-work. I had many of these dialogues
before and after the conference, and as a result I am looking forward
to returning to the UK and a thriving emotional intelligence community.

Prior to the conference, I met with the Juniper Initiative team --
Sarah Sims-Maciolek and Andy Maudlin. Sarah took me to three of the
schools where they are working to measure emotional intelligence and
coach teachers to target the specific skills the students need. Their
project involves 30 schools highly committed to creating a more
respectful and positive learning environment -- which makes it one
of the world's more extensive EQ research initiatives. In one school
I observed a "deputy head" having trouble connecting with the kids, and
Sarah and I talked about how hard it is for some teachers to "be real"
with the kids and how powerful it is when that happens. It's also an
example of Geetu's research -- here's a leader who urgently needs to
draw on interpersonal skills to engage his students, and he's stuck.
I guess it comes down to fear that they won't respect us if we drop out
of the "teacher role" and appear human.

After the conference I met with a whole group of EQ advocates. Dhyan
Vermeulen came to the conference from the Netherlands. Dhyan is the
coordinator of the EQ Europe Network (http://EQEurope.6seconds.org)
and an educational expert committed to creating joyful and humanistic
schools. Dhyan and I have known one another for several years, but we
just met in person for the first time this week. Dr. Mala Kapadia, an
Aryuveda and EQ educator from Bombay, was also in town; we'd last
seen one-another when she took the Six Seconds' Certification about
three years ago. So I had the honor of spending Saturday afternoon
wandering Woburn Park with three wise women. We talked about
changing schools and businesses to be places where people could reach
their highest potential. We schemed about future NexusEQ conferences
in the Netherlands, in India, and in the UK. We agreed the real power
of these conferences come when they are linked to a larger goal, when
they are one step in a continuous process.

Dhyan told us about their whole-school change projects in the
Netherlands. I'm eager to go see it in action and understand how they're
making these transformational shifts -- they are taking schools with
6,000 pupils and creating programs that are entirely student-centered.
Dhyan said the most important step is ensuring the teachers have real
ownership of the change process.


Parenting Perspectives
Catherine Corrie joined me on Sunday afternoon. Catherine is a teacher
who helps teachers reconnect with the caring and compassion they once
felt toward students. She just wrote a book called Becoming Emotionally
Intelligent, which is a practical guide for teachers to live these skills.
She's decided her next book will be for parents, so we spent most of the
afternoon talking about kids.

We talked about how kids can feel so powerless, and it's that feeling
that often drives their attention-seeking. Catherine's sense is that
most children don't feel truly heard and recognized, their wisdom is
ignored, and we don't make time to listen. That'd be frustrating for
almost every adult I know too!

We both wondered why it's so hard to listen to kids. With teens,
perhaps, it's tied to our fears that they'll tell us something we
really don't want to know. Maybe with young ones too -- what if
they communicate a need that I just can't meet? We'd feel powerless
-- and there's not much the human brain dislikes more than that
feeling.

When I told Catherine about struggles with Emma and Max, I felt
no blame that I should be doing something different or better.
Rather, I felt compassion, that she understood how easy it is to get
"buttons pressed" by our kids, and how painful it is when we react
in ways we regret. That's one reason I am looking forward to her
parenting book!

Catherine is a grandmother now, and she says it's so much easier
to just love kids without the button-pushing. She told me a story
of watching Alice, her grand daughter, attempting to put butter and
marmalade on toast. In the end, Alice was covered with stickiness,
and there was a small blob of butter and marmalade on the bread.
She held it proudly up, and Catherine said, "Wow Alice, you've
really done that job so well!"

I said I'd probably have lost patience and wanted to do it myself.
In the moment, I look at these "small things" and say to myself,
"this should be easy," and resent having conflict about who will
butter the toast. Of course they are not small to Emma and Alice.

Catherine pointed out that parents often confuse what's a long-term
and what's a short-term issue. "The thing is," she said, "it just
doesn't matter if Alice gets it right this time buttering toast.
There's no hurry to do it or to learn it, so I could just be in the
moment with her." I realize that my frustrations often come with
thinking too long-term; I imagine that the kids must learn these
lessons now or I am failing as a parent. Catherine's point, I suspect,
is that if I could be in the moment with the kids, not worried about
what happens when their 18, there'd be less urgency and more fun.

On the other hand, parents often get confused the other way -- they
get caught in short-term thinking like, "she'll be frustrated," or "I'll
be embarrassed" when long-term thinking would be more helpful to
see that the discomfort is ok when it's for a larger purpose.

I'm going to practice a technique from Catherine's book, which it to
look at choices and options and ask, "What's the short-term impact?
What's the long-term impact?" By consciously examining both areas
when I'm not "in reaction," I hope become better at seeing both sides
while I am in the midst of a struggle.

I wish that I could capture more of the learning from this week. I
started writing this reflection on the plane, and now that I'm home
the details are already fuzzy -- like sand running through a sieve,
the more I reach for them, the faster they slip. Maybe once I
understand emotional intelligence I'll turn to improving my memory!

Warmly,
-Josh

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Please forward & share, just keep this part too please!
©2003, Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds
Six Seconds EQ Network: Inspiring emotional wisdom.

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About the author:
Joshua Freedman is the Director of Programs for the Six Seconds EQ Network.
He is co-author of the Self-Science EQ Curriculum (http://self-science.com)
and of the Handle With Care Learning Journal (http://6seconds.org/hwc).
Josh also coordinates the International NexusEQ Conferences (http://NexusEQ.com)

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