EQ Reflection: I Will NOT Tolerate This!

A few minutes ago, I went to help Emma get ready to go. "NO!" she
shouted, "Go Away." and slammed the door. Because I am "an emotional
intelligence expert" I opened the door and shouted back, "That is rude
and mean and I will not let you talk to me like that!" and almost slammed
the door back.

Sigh. How can it be so hard to think and act like a human?

My impulse is to give consequences, to make her see the negative effect
of this kind of behavior by making it feel bad. Dress it up all you want,
but that's punishment. I want to hurt her back because she hurt me.

I rationalize that hurting back as a way of changing her behavior. This
behaviorist response is rooted in a mechanistic way of viewing people --
if I exert the right influence, I can predictably shape behavior in
response.

In my work it is so easy to help principals and managers see that the
mechanistic approach doesn't work. I find it so easy to help them reframe
their way of seeing people and situations to identify the underlying
humanness. To start with care and empathy and create a context where
people WANT to "do right."

And on days like this in my own family, I reduce myself to a blustering
boss who doesn't connect, doesn't empathize, and lays down the law.
Which I wouldn't mind so much if it actually worked. At all. Even for
five minutes!

My conclusion for the moment: I know that I'd benefit from humility, and
so I got a daughter who will work very hard to teach me that. In the mean
time, I have four ideas of what to practice, and I'd appreciate hearing
yours too!

Perhaps you have a similar struggle at home or at work -- please let me
know what happens when you try these practices:

** Slow down. **
If I let the reaction happen full-speed, I don't have as much opportunity
to be careful and intentional. This is the purpose of the Six Seconds'
Pause -- to provide an opportunity to do one of the other practices!
(See http://www.eqtoday.com/archive/pause.html)

** Remember that discomfort is not dangerous: **
Part of the strength of my reaction comes because I feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes that's embarrassment, sometimes its inconvenience, sometimes
its frustration -- some combination of uncomfortable emotions, and my
amygdala says, "Aha! This could be dangerous!" and I react strongly. A
radical suggestion -- I could practice thinking of discomfort as a wonderful
opportunity to learn; even a pleasure because it's a break from the ho hum.

** Don't take too much power. **
In the face of Emma's apparent ingratitude or defiance I feel powerless.
I think it's going to last forever unless I fix it. I envision a decade of
parent-teacher conferences where they say, "You know your daughter
should practice being more gracious. . . ." Instead, it would help me to
remember that Emma is her own person, and my job is to influence and
guide her -- not to fix her.

** Hold onto the goal. **
Sometimes I think to myself, "If I had a pill that would make Emma
obedient and docile for life, would I give it to her?" Absolutely not!
I want the adult Emma to create her own world -- to fight injustice,
to challenge assumptions, to expand the limits of what's possible, and
to never settle for mediocrity just because it's status quo. Taking
away her fire would not help that. Perhaps more challenging, I want
her to do it with grace, with a loving heart, and with pure intentions
-- so I have to model that here and now.

May your day be full of learning and love,
-Josh

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Please spread this message far and wide! Just keep this part too please:
©2003, Joshua Freedman; Six Seconds
Six Seconds EQ Network: Inspiring emotional wisdom.

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About the author:
Joshua Freedman is the Director of Programs for the Six Seconds EQ
Network. He is the coordinator of the International NexusEQ Conferences
(http://NexusEQ.com), Editor of EQ Today (http://EQToday.com), and
one of the organization's trainers and consultants. Josh's most significant
challenge is collaborating with his wife, Patty, to stay one step ahead of
their children and EQ teachers, Max and Emma (who are 2 and 4 at this time).

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