April 3, 2003


EQ Reflection: Through the Looking Glass


Living in the digital era, I feel like a leaf swirling on a river of
communication. Billions of messages pour relentlessly through the very air
we breath, yet amidst the greatest volume of communication in history, it's
a near-miracle when two people actually understand one another, especially
when it is so easy to get wrapped up in being right.

Since I work with people from business, government, health, education,
spirituality, a variety of nonprofits, and I spend time with other young
parents, I am often surprised an a little amused to see how people in one
sector assume the grass is greener elsewhere. I've seen the terrible
exhaustion of a group of teachers after the daily battle between chaos and
learning, constrained by ridiculous budgets and a disintegrating social
support system. I've seen executives tortured by the impossible weight of
decisions that have no right answer. I've watched nurses, psychologists,
and counselors barely able to retain their own optimism in the face of the
insurmountable challenges they face each day. And I've lived the challenge
of a parent who just wants a house full of love, but can barely hold onto
moments of peace.

Yet, amid all this impossibility, I meet people every day who joyfully
stride forth to make a difference. Perhaps ultimately it is all we can do
-- to choose to surrender and become part of the problem, or to take what
steps we can to create the opportunity for hope. In the end, what more is
there than the recognition that we've served life, nurtured love, and
pursued a purpose that makes the world a little better?

To stay on that course, empathy is essential. Empathy can grow from just
recognizing the pain and challenge people in other jobs and functions are
facing. It's a guide that can help us relate to others, and it has the
bottom-line value of keeping our decisions serving the greater good; in some
ways, empathy is the antidote to egotism.

I wish that I was more adept at empathy in my own daily work and life. I
find that it often feels better to be annoyed with people than to empathize
with them. For example, recently I was having trouble negotiating an
agreement. Quickly I started to feel frustrated, defensive, and angry. I
thought I was being taken advantage of, and I began to blame the other
parties.

My pattern when I think an "opponent" is not listening is to seek to
diminish them, minimize their importance, and rally allies to my just and
righteous point of view. Ok, it hurts to write that -- but not as bad as
this: I like the feelings that come with that "attacking back."

Of course I do! After all, I'm telling myself that I'm being taken
advantage of, that they don't appreciate me and my team, that they're not
listening. I am afraid they will hurt me, so I want to hurt them harder,
faster, and more. This impulse comes from a visceral drive to avoid being a
victim. So, I let that fear drive my ego into action, and I get up on my
high horse. From there, I get to pretend that I am powerful, wise, and
indispensable.

Ironically, that very behavior turns me into a victim of my own patterns
because it pushes me to solidify the belief that they are trying to take
advantage of me. To strengthen my feeling of being right, I also have to
strengthen my belief that I am under attack.

A curious cycle occurs in these moments. A friend called it "jerk-inertia."
You start acting like a jerk, and it kind of feels good, so you keep doing
it.

This biggest challenge is the way the inertia builds on itself. The more
I act protecting my ego, proving myself right over others, the more I get to
be righteous; the certainty that comes from being a victim or of "knowing" I
am right. Soon, there is a double-loss to stopping the behavior. First, I
lose the seductive illusion of power and "rightness." Second, I might have
to feel really bad about what a jerk I've been, so I have even more drive to
keep going.

At the same time, some other part of myself is screaming in anguish knowing
that my jerk-persona is making incredibly stupid mistakes that move me from
my true goals. Each jerk-sustaining action (those that increase the
jerk-inertia) moves me further into a morass, moves me further from truly
understanding the people with whom I disagree, and moves both of us further
into position as circling boxers looking for an opening to exploit.

I find that my curiosity helps me shift off the slippery slope. I start
wondering what's really going on for the other people. Then I begin to
empathize as I attempt to understand.

In my work as a facilitator I have the privilege of working with all kinds
of groups to improve communication. My job is to help them find ways of
understanding, and I have only two tools that make a difference. The first
is the ability to ask questions. The second is empathy.

After these sessions, people often ask me how I am able to facilitate
challenging discussions and make it so safe for people. Honestly I don't
know, but my best guess is that while I am often impatient inside, and while
I prefer to leap to solutions and actions, beneath it I deeply care about
their feelings. Maybe it's just good imagination: I often see myself in
their positions, and I feel an approximation of what that's like.

Perhaps the most useful advice is to be clear about what you want. If you
want to resolve issues in ways that form long-term partnerships, then you'll
always look to see the situation through the other person's eyes. Empathy
is the key to finding lasting solutions.

Warmly yours,
-Josh

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Please share this message! Just keep this part:
©2003, Joshua Freedman; Six Seconds
Six Seconds EQ Network: Inspiring emotional wisdom.

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About the author:
Joshua Freedman is the Director of Programs for the Six Seconds EQ Network.
He is the Editor of EQ Today (http://EQtoday.com), and one of the
organization's master-trainers for their EQ certification program
(http://6seconds.org/training). Josh is committed to developing empathy to
create a more caring world for adults and children, including his little
ones: Maxwell Abraham (2) and Emma Rose (4).

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