Our children know they are the center of the world. Where
once my wife and I formed a constellation of circling planets, we
now orbit the twin stars of Max and Emma. This transformation
began the moment we decided to have children -- I could feel
the orbit of my life shifting first to encompass Emma, and then
to Max.

Somewhere along the way, the emphasis changed, and instead
of the stately dance of equal planets, the children took center
stage. I am sure this dominance is created by a biological
imperative, a drive to shelter and nourish these tender angels --
the merciless tyranny of unbounded love. Through that lens, it
is easy to see why it is of utmost importance to lavish attention
on our children. Not just the nurture of their bodies, but the
health of their identities and very spirits and shaped by the
love that is their birthright.

Every day I see clearly how our attention provides the
protective guardrails that give them the opportunity to thrive.
In the light of our caring, listening, and watching, they are free
to explore all corners of their worlds. While I am not surprised
to see this dynamic, I have been quite unprepared for the
reciprocation of that illumination. I am only beginning to see
how powerfully their attention shapes us, shapes me.

I can not remember a time someone gave such attention to me;
even in my best moments of teaching with thirty, or even sixty,
apt pupils giving me their adolescent scrutiny, I don't remember
feeling this sense that my mere presence matters. I come home
from a trip, and my children come running calling, "Daddy,
Daddy, Daddy," and I know that whatever else occurs in my life:
I matter. Often, nearly-two-year-old Max will come into my
office just checking if I am there, and quietly say, "Hi Daddy,"
with a little smile, then go on his way. It is like the touch of
some angelic spirit resting just within my heart -- a moment of
indescribable perfection which I hope to hold each day for
eternity.

And, sometimes the scrutiny is overwhelming. I want to "just
live" and not pay attention to my words and choices. I don't
want to be on a pedestal -- no, really it is that I don't want
that responsibility. I want the illusion of care-free living,
that comfortable falsehood that I need only worry about myself.
Then I remember being a middle school teacher, and the woes
of parents whose teens were so unbearably aloof, and I imagine
how much I will miss this attention.

Fathers tell me it’s one of the most difficult times in their
lives when they realize their children no longer seem to care
about them. Intellectually, they know that underneath their
"cool" behavior, the kids still care, but the child's focus
shifts over time, the world gets bigger, and while daddies
remain special, they move to the periphery. And, children say
the same about the moment when they realize their parents are
just people.

In the meantime, I am storing up memories of unconditional
acceptance. Last week, I was taking a shower, and Max
entered the room. For those of you who don't have toddlers,
picture a little person barely able to reach the doorknob, a
child who still sees magical wonder in the act of opening a
door. Max peeks in, and I don't see him until I look down.
He finds my eyes and smiles in the combined delight of
discovery and love.

Emma and Max love the water, so it is tough to get an
uninterrupted shower when they are awake. But last week,
Max just came to keep me company. He played "peek" with the
towels, and played a little with the water where it collects on
the rim of the shower door. When I was done, he chirped, each
syllable enunciated, "Bye Da De" and toddled on his way.

I was struck by the way he gave attention, just being present
and engaged. How I felt cared for and significant just by his
giving me a few minutes of his interest. What a powerful force
it is. Desperately, I hope that as his life gets busier and busier,
as he gets caught in all the "shoulds" and wants and conflicting
commitments of life, that he is able to maintain this astounding
ability to influence another person just by visiting with them.

This ability is an incredible gift -- one which each of us has
readily available. Each of us can increase caring and
commitment just with the power of heart and mind. Free for the
giver, precious to the receiver, and it takes no more time than
passing meaningless pleasantries. How profoundly it would
change our workplaces, our schools, our police stations, our
government offices, our interactions in the grocery store, our
walks in the park, if for a few moments each day we simply gave
one another a gift of undivided attention? If we truly looked at
one another and smiled just recognizing the fellow humanity we
share?

It leads me to I ask myself about all the time I don't pay
attention to Max. About last night when I worked late even
though I am on a plane today. About this week when I went for
a walk with him, but paid attention to my own thoughts instead
of his songs. And, thankfully, I also can think about the times
when I've noticed my attention slipping from him and redirected
it just to be with him, mind and body, for a few minutes.

Maybe it is all I really have to give as a father, husband,
manager, friend -- those few moments when I focus on
someone else, and they can tell that I see them as important.
Maslow said each person is born deserving love and loveable --
so maybe when people give us attention, it returns us to that
core of caring and value. Because it is true -- you matter, and
the gift of attention that you give matters to the people around
you.

Attentively yours,
-Josh

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It would be a great help to us if you'd spread this message
far and wide! Just keep this part too please!
©2003, Joshua Freedman; Six Seconds
Six Seconds EQ Network: Inspiring emotional wisdom.

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About the author:
Joshua Freedman is the Director of Programs for the Six
Seconds EQ Network. He is the coordinator of the International
NexusEQ Conferences (http://NexusEQ.com), Editor of EQ Today
(http://EQToday.com), and one of the organization's trainers
and consultants. Josh's most significant challenge is
collaborating with his wife, Patty, to stay one step ahead of
their children and EQ teachers, Max and Emma (who are 2 and 4
at this time).

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