At the core of emotional intelligence is a choice between consciousness and reactivity. "Fight or Flow" explores that choice and provides practical strategies for practicing emotional intelligence. It's a very long article, so I've broken it into two long parts! I hope you will take the time to read it, though, as I see this as the foundation of practicing EQ.

I've been working on this article for almost six months, and I decided enough is enough! I'll turn to experts -- you. Please help me make it better.

Warmly,
- Josh


Fight or Flow Part I: "Hit Back First"

Have you ever seen one of those fountains where a large stone sphere
seems to float on a cushion of water? Hundreds of pounds of rock glide in
swirling circles -- apparently effortless.

What if we could interact with other people with that same calm,
powerful, effortless ease? One major reason we don't is that we get
caught up in small tensions and conflicts. These "bumps" usually
escalate into two sides both needing to be right because we're so good
at sensing danger.

At the very core of our being is a set of reactions that help us survive.
Thousands of years of practice have refined our ability to protect
ourselves from threat and danger. We don't have turtle-like shells or
tiger-like fangs -- we have super-sensitive brains.

When our brains perceive a threat, they react to protect us; it's a
survival response built into the limbic brain (or "emotional brain").
Depending on biology and experience, that protection comes from fighting,
fleeing, or freezing. Some people also add another "f" -- "flocking" or
herding together. It is almost impossible to avoid that impulse, we
are literally hard-wired to react that way to defend against threat.

So, if I threaten you, I can almost guarantee that you will react by
fighting, fleeing, or freezing. You will "be defensive" by attacking
back, retreating, evading, or ganging up with others. Of course,
depending on your reaction, you can almost guarantee that I will
respond with one of those as well.

The "threat response" is part of what Dr. Daniel Goleman called
"hijacking the amygdala" and is well defined in Dr. Joseph LeDoux's
research. The amgydala is one of the primary emotional centers in
the brain; one core function is reacting to perceived danger. As Dr.
Peter Salovey says, this reaction is actually an example of the
intelligence of our emotions -- a kind of "emotional logic" is
followed and decisions are made with little or no cognitive thought;
the problem is that few of us have developed this aspect of our intelligence.

So what constitutes "threat" from the amygdala's point of view?
Almost any interaction where someone is trying to take power over
someone else will trigger the "survival response." People try to take
power by putting others down, shaming, blaming, embarrassing,
judging, discrediting, and dividing.

You can see this dynamic at play on a daily basis in most businesses,
schools, and families. I want to be right so I walk in blaming and
judging, putting down other people; if I "make them less" it seems to
strengthen my position. The other person reacts in survival mode,
and the situation escalates. It happens almost every time. Yet, time
after time, I see myself and others surprised and disappointed when
people are defensive!

Perhaps the surprise comes because most of us believe we are
masters of deception. "I can be hurt, frustrated, and impatient," I
think to myself, "but I'll 'put that aside' and ask you calmly what
happened." Guess what? I "calmly" ask you what happened, and you
react like I've said, "You screwed up and I'm hurt, frustrated, and
impatient!"

Think how often something like this happens to you: You try and "put
aside your feelings" and act calmly, but people respond as if you've
attacked them.

One reason for the (mis)understanding comes from another survival
mechanism in our limbic brains. Not only do we act to protect when
attacked, we are keenly sensitive to potential threats. The limbic
brain actually seeks out feelings in others that indicate danger -- it’s
like a "Danger Radar." A danger radar looking for potentially hostile
emotions, such as anger, frustration, fear, anxiety. Anxiety is a
major issue in today’s stressful environment -- our brains are
constantly alerting us to be prepared for battle.

When you and I are talking, your limbic brain is a danger radar
checking me out. Let’s say I am trying to appear calm, but underneath
I’m really frustrated. Not with you, I’m just frustrated about
something I heard on the phone. So I talk to you, and ask you to work
on a project. My words are not unreasonable, but underneath your
radar is picking something up. You’re sensing that my words and my
feelings don’t match. You might not know exactly what I’m feeling,
you simply sense there’s an issue. Just the mismatch itself is enough to
create fear in you -- after all, I’m hiding something from you, and
you’re limbic brain knows that when people are deceiving you, it
might be because they want to hurt you.

One way our "Danger Radar" works is by reading facial expressions
and tone of voice. In Dr. Albert Mehrabian's research at UCLA, the
team found that only 7% of communication comes in words -- the rest
is tone, body language, and expression. Dr. Paul Ekman's work on
facial expression reinforces this conclusion; Ekman has found people
display a massive amount of emotional information through "micro
expression" that flit across all our faces. While most people notice
general patterns of these expression, Ekman says, very few can
accurately "read" a stream of micro expressions. So, while we can
tell in general that someone is vexed and trying to hide it, we
probably can't tell if their displeasure is directed at us!

In any case, in the midst of our interaction, there is a lot of room for
the underlying emotions and intentions to influence thinking. You
might not know exactly what's going on with me, but you sense a lack
of congruence or authenticity. Depending on your feelings and
experience, and our relationship, you’re limbic brain sends you to
battle stations, and we can become reactive to one another very
quickly.

Given this dynamic, it's no wonder people spend so much time and
energy attacking and defending, being right, making others wrong.
"Flowing" like the stone ball fountain is tremendously challenging
amidst all this hostility.

To recap, there are several reasons why we tend to "Hit Back First":
1. People defend themselves (with an F) when they perceive danger.
2. Our amygdala are on the lookout for emotions that could be
dangerous, such as anger or fear; a mismatch between words,
expression, and feelings is dangerous.
3. Anxiety or stress increases the "danger alert level" so we're even
more sensitive.
4. If there is any "attack" in our approach, we invite -- almost
guarantee -- a defense. Even if we try to hide our frustration
and anger.

What can you do about it? In Part Two will explore the metaphor of
the fountain and the opportunities we have to flow instead of fight. In
the mean time, try these exercises to increase your awareness of
Hitting Back First and the Danger Radar.
1. Tune into your own "Danger Radar" feelings to learn what
triggers your Flight, Fight, or Freeze response. For the next
day or two, notice yourself as you either get angry, frustrated,
afraid, or defensive. What other feelings do you have at the
same time? When do you find yourself wanting to fight?
To flee? To freeze (or shut down)? What physical sensations
do you have -- in your palms, your gut, your neck/back/
shoulders?

2. Play the "silent movie game" at lunch, on the bus, or in an
airport: Watch people and see if you can guess what's going on
inside. The game is more fun when you have someone playing
along -- each of you observe the same scene, then compare notes
on what you think each person was feeling.

3. Look at your own micro expressions. Get someone to videotape you
doing an activity that causes a variety of feelings (such as talking
to your mother-in-law). Then watch the tape pausing every few
seconds. If you're feeling bold, invite your "silent movie game"
partner to watch with you; you are likely to be amazed at how
much s/he is able to see.

4. Create a "stress-o-meter" -- it can be as simple as an index
card with a scale from 1-10, and a paperclip you slide up and
down. When you're really fatigued, stretched, at the end of your
rope, or anxious, put the clip near 10. When you're cool and
collected, put it near 1. A few times each day, check in with
yourself, notice your stress level, and mark it on the
stress-o-meter. Don't do anything to "manage" the stress right
now -- just notice.

5. At the same time, just notice how your own level of reactivity
changes along with the stress-o-meter. Again, don't judge it or
change it, just notice how your stress-o-meter level affects
your Danger Radar. You can make this more fun by putting a
bunch of pennies in one pocket or on the corner of your desk.
Every time you feel reactive, put one penny in a jar.

6. Check your own congruence or authenticity. When you are
saying something you don't truly mean, what are you feeling
emotionally and physically? When you are not completely
congruent, how does that affect your voice, your posture, your
energy level, your neck pain, your ability to sit still, your
clenching of muscles (such as your toes)? Once again, the
exercise is not about being more congruent -- it's just noticing
the subtle signals that go along with hiding (or trying to hide)
some parts of your feelings.

I have found that many people -- myself included -- don't
particularly like to look at the "Hit Back First" parts of ourselves
without a great deal of safety. By definition you don't feel safe when
you're Danger Radar is buzzing, so it's quite a challenge. You may
find yourself avoiding this investigation by being defensive,
trivializing, or even hitting yourself back!

If you find yourself avoiding looking at your patterns around
reactivity, it may be because you're also making judgments about
what you observe (ie., telling yourself that something is wrong or
right, that it should be one way not another, or even that this is an exception not the rule). Notice the judgments (don't judge yourself
for having them), and tell yourself, "Yes, that's one possible
judgement (and there are other reasonable conclusions too)."

While you wait for part two, keep this in mind: While you're
striving for primacy in the fight, you will always have to strive.
When you choose to practice your emotional wisdom, to practice
living in flow, you will discover a true strength that liberates you
from the need show how strong you are.

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©2003, Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds EQ Network

About the Author
Joshua Freedman is the Director of Programs for Six Seconds EQ Network,
a leading nonprofit organization promoting emotional intelligence around
the world since 1997. For information on Josh's work and speaking, visit
his web site at http://www.jmfreedman.com . For information on
emotional intelligence, visit Six Seconds at http://www.6seconds.org .