Tips for an EQ Holiday

This week is Thanksgiving in the US, and the beginning of the "season
of family holidays." A time of joy, connection, stress, and depression.

My family is complicated with a plethora of in-laws and out-laws --
"tree" is not a useful metaphor for our family structure. It feels
unusual, but we're probably typical of millennial America. So, while
I've always loved holidays, I can relate to Holly Hunter's "Home for
the Holidays" depiction of the ultimately stressful family meal.

Perhaps the most distressing aspect of family holidays is how most
(all?) of us suddenly "snap back" to our adolescent patterns of
conflict and power. Otherwise "grown up" people suddenly are back
to "yes I can," "no you can't," "I'm going to tell mom!"

Others find holidays depressing because people like me are writing
about the difficulties of family interaction and they're wishing they
had some of that mess. Between the conflict and the isolation, clearly
the holidays are a fabulous time to practice emotional intelligence.

First, repeat after me:
1. I will make it through this!
(good!)

Now the tough one:
2. I have (some) choice.

If you can say those and *mean it* -- you're well on the way.

Recognizing that adversity is temporary is one of the key mental
habits of optimism. In the midst of stress, I often feel like the
torture is interminable. That reaction causes an increased level of
reactivity and powerlessness. On the other hand, remembering it's
temporary helps keep things in perspective and makes it easier to
"detach" from the moment (for more, see
http://www.eqtoday.com/optimism/).

Particularly in well-entrenched patterns, recognizing choice is a
bear of a task. If you have trouble believing you have total choice
over your thoughts, feelings, and actions, perhaps you'll take on this
assignment: Begin by watching the process. Observe yourself as
your stress increases, your patience wears thin, you "ramp-up"
your reactivity, you explode. For many people, holidays are a perfect
time for this exercise -- you'll get to see yourself go through this
process a hundred times in three weeks!

Don't judge, don't tell yourself you're an idiot for doing it AGAIN,
don't fuss at yourself. Just observe the pattern. What's happening?
In what situations are you fighting? Fleeing? Freezing? What are
your thoughts? Your feelings? Your actions?

If you are harsh with yourself you won't see the deeper story, you'll
just stay at the surface of disgust. Endeavor to enjoy yourself. In
"Keeping the Faith," Rabbi Schram tells one of his bar-mitzvah
candidates to celebrate his cracking voice by singing, "I love that I
suck." (See the movie, it will make more sense.) Liberate yourself
from the self-judgement and make it a learning experience. Use the
stress as a laboratory and watch your patterns unfold with an inner
smile.

Just this shift from self-judgement to self-discovery will make a
huge difference in your experience. In self-discovery you can let go
of frustration more quickly, listen to a bigger range of emotions, and
have more peace.

I hesitate to tell you the next step in fear that you'll gloss over the
first. I'd really recommend you don't bother with this step at all
until you've given at least one, if not two or three, holiday seasons
over to the self-discovery. However, I suspect by the middle of
December some of you will be desperate, so I'll give you the advanced
lesson:

Twiddle.

That's it.

Twiddle. Verb. "To turn over or around idly or lightly; fiddle with"
(American Heritage® Dictionary).

In other words, start experimenting with the elements of the pattern
and lightly making changes. Keep it light, make a game of
experimenting on yourself.

Perhaps you'd rather make radical changes -- don't be impatient. It
took you a whole lifetime to learn these dysfunctional patterns, give
yourself awhile to unlearn them. Here are a few twiddles you might
try:
:: When you find yourself in one of your "hotspot" feelings, silently
bust out with a Christmas carol but change the words to what you're
observing about yourself. (Jewish prayers work as well as carols
-- "Baruch Atah Adonai, why am getting suuucked in...")
:: Bring an unusual dish to the meal (such as big pickles or beer
nuts), and when you find yourself reacting, eat one.
:: Imagine you're going to write an article like this about your
reactions -- would you tell the whole truth?
:: Question one assumption -- for example, if you find yourself
deciding what someone else really means, just ask yourself, "What
evidence do I have for that assumption?"
:: Or even just ask yourself, "What assumptions am I making right
now?"
The point of twiddles is to shift out of your usual pattern into an
experimental mode. First you let the stressors be a chance to observe
yourself, now let them be a chance to practice.

Perhaps the most important lesson is that it is just practice. This
holiday season is a practice round preparing for next year. This isn't t
he Olympic finals, it isn't the Superbowl, and it certainly isn't the
most important moment of your life. By holding onto the knowledge
that this is a practice round, perhaps you'll give yourself permission
to enjoy it just a little more.

Whether you're celebrating American Thanksgiving or not, I wish you
all the blessings of the season. Not just the Hallmark rosy blessings,
but also the confusing, challenging blessings. It's easy to be thankful
for sunshine and laughter -- this year my Thanksgiving wish is for
us to be thankful for the clouds and the thorns as well. For when we
can be truly thankful for the challenges as well as the joys, our eyes
will open to new vistas of wonder.

Warmly yours,
- Josh
Joshua Freedman
josh@6seconds.org


This is an EQ Reflection. Please forward it so long as you keep this
part too! ©2003, Joshua Freedman, www.6seconds.org

About the Author
Joshua Freedman is the Director of Programs for Six Seconds EQ
Network, a nonprofit organization teaching emotional intelligence to
schools and businesses around the world. He is the coauthor of the
"Handle With Care EQ Learning Journal," the "Self-Science EQ
Curriculum," and numerous training tools and programs. Please
visit www.6seconds.org for free information on enhancing your
personal and professional life with emotional intelligence.