What is?


August 9, 2002

In a recent certification course, a delegate mentioned a bumper sticker: "If
you are not enraged, you are not paying attention." I got to thinking about
all the ways I choose to not pay attention; about all the choices in my life
that I make in spite of reality. For example, I almost never exercise even
though I KNOW I am creating "unhealth." Yet on a daily basis, I convince
myself that it is ok -- or I ignore "what is" in favor of blissful simulation
of ignorance.

I can do this trick with all kinds of situations. I have mastered
self-delusion, and can instantaneously convince myself that someone is
going to change, or that someone is bad. In less than a heartbeat I can make
my own hypocrisy ok, and slip by my own moral code. I guess my brain
likes to feel good, and internal conflict does not feel good.

Then, this week I was listening to the radio, and happened to hear an
interview with a hip-hop rapper.

Something clicked.

Why aren't I enraged? How can I go about my daily business pretending
that the world's course is pretty much fine? Maybe for the same reason I
don't exercise. Maybe my brain is pulling out those "let's ignore 'what is'"
tricks so I can feel good (at least for a moment!)

First, maybe I should be clear why I should be enraged: I am
environmentalist, and the environment is being destroyed -- and I
participate in that through the way I consume. I am a feminist, and around
the globe, there has been essentially no improvement in crimes against
women and gender inequity. I am a pacifist, and genocide continues. I
believe in the rule of law, and we can not create a truly international
criminal court to try crimes against humanity. I am deeply committed to
family, and divorce and infidelity remain far more common that lifelong
commitment. Even worse, in our nation, parents are giving less and less
time to their children, fathers are more absent than ever before, youth are
more alone than every before, and I am not sure anyone is actually paying
attention.

Perhaps one reason I am not enraged is that I have been taught that rage
will not help. Rage, I have been told, will probably make all this worse. I
have internalized that "Anger is dangerous," "Anger is scary," "Angry
people are unbalanced," "Anger is bad." So part of me sweeps my rage
under the carpet.

At the same time, I am learning that anger is not bad. My friend Ayman
Sawaf says, "Anger is like electricity. If you stick your finger in the
electric socket, it hurts. But if you plug a light in, it can be fabulous!" In
its "proper" form, anger is a call to action -- a signal that you want to
create change.

Mixed with a sense of powerlessness, stress, and confusion, however,
anger turns into an electrical storm. It feels bad, it is overwhelming, and
we learn to deny it. Lift the carpet, get the broom. We learn to treat it
just like my "sleight of hand" -- or "slight of mind" -- that lets me
proceed almost every day without exercising.

The unfortunate secret is: The anger is still there. So what is the cost of
pretending it isn't?

We have two ways of dealing with the "anger swept under the carpet."
These two mechanisms are what we use for all those emotions swept in
there. One is to let it "pop" out, the other is to cover it up.

When anger pops out, it turns very negative. It becomes domestic violence.
Rape. Screaming at someone you love. Assault. How else can we explain
the violence against people we love? In 2000, the Department of Justice
report on violence against women found:
- An estimated 1.9 million women and 3.2 million men are physically
assaulted annually in the United States.
- 17.6 percent of all women surveyed had been the victim of a completed
or attempted rape; 54 percent were younger than age 18.
- 64 percent of the incidents of violence against women were by intimate
partners, husbands, boyfriends, etc.
And while I can not imagine myself acting out my anger this way, I know
that I often express my anger at home verbally in a way that is hurtful and
not in proportion to the current situation.

These explosions are misdirected expression of anger. "Just expressing"
emotion, or "venting," does not lead to transforming it (see "Anger, The
Really Mad Kind" for more on the problem of "venting" --
http://www.6seconds.org/news/2001702.html).

When we cover up anger, we seek to create a state of "nonfeeling." We do it
by becoming depressed or by covering the feeling with drugs, alcohol, or
escapism.
- In 1996 suicide was the third leading cause of death in 15-24 year olds
and the fourth leading cause among 10-14 year olds. (Natl. Inst. Mental
Health, 1998).
- Depression is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and worldwide
(Murray, WHO, 1996).
- In 1996, around 600,000 children and adolescents were prescribed
Prozac, Paxil, or Zoloft (IMS America).
- In 2001, 54% of US 12th graders use illicit drugs -- up almost 10% in
a decade (Monitoring the future, http://monitoringthefuture.org/).
Again, my own response is probably less extreme -- but I notice I am
eating cookies as I think about this article.


So faced with all these reasons to be angry, and all these terrible ways of
misdirecting it, "pretending things are ok" seems pretty attractive. Of
course we all know it won't work. Just like I know I need to exercise.

What's your advice? How can I use my anger without turning it into
explosive misdirection or numbing? How do I keep paying attention to
"what is" when that's so overwhelming, when it brings me so close to
despair?

Hold onto your optimism, email me your ideas, and then look for solutions
in Part II of "What Is?"

Truly,
-Josh

====================================================
Feel free to forward or reproduce so long as you keep this bit:
EQ Reflections are published by Six Seconds, a nonprofit organization
promoting emotional intelligence. Learn more and subscribe at
http://www.6seconds.org
©2002, Joshua Freedman
====================================================