Out of the Fog

December 29, 2002


On Christmas day we drove home from a celebration of family cheer, and
found ourselves on the road shrouded in rain and fog. It was raining so
hard that I could hardly see the car in front of me. Punctuated by driving
rain and slapping windshield wipers, the Christmas carols began to all
sound the same. Everyone in the car was drowsy or sleeping, and it began
to seem like all my senses were wrapped in the fog as well.

There were no landmarks, just grayness and water. Nothing marked the
passing miles but the green blinks of the clock. After about 30 minutes,
I thought that I'd been driving forever and going nowhere.

Lost in the fog, I began to wonder if I knew where I was, or where I was
going? How could I tell? Yet I continued down the path, committing not
just myself, but also those I love most in the world, and sped into the
mystery.

As I drove, I thought how much that travel is like life. Commitment means
picking a destination then hurling ourselves from complacency to action.
It means driving boldly down a road without landmarks.

In the metaphor I see two lessons about power. The first is about feedback,
and the second is about intrinsic motivation.

On the road feeling lost in the fog, I wished for someone to clap me on the
shoulder and say a hearty, "Carry on!" "Your care matters." "Thank you
for steering your best course." The feedback would have helped me know
that I WAS going somewhere, that it was not just an exercise in futility.

While I would have liked the support, it is important for me to know that I
could, did, and can drive on without the feedback. And, I also know
sometimes in life's real journeys I get lost without the support to drive as
well, as far, or as boldly as I could. Especially some days when the "road"
is especially dim and vague.

So, my New Year's messages for you:
"Carry on!"
"Your care matters."
"Thank you for steering your best course."
In fact, I would genuinely appreciate it if you would do me the honor of
letting me give you some more personal feedback. Send me an email about
an accomplishment, a challenge, an effort you have made to be your best
self, and let me give you my thanks.

The second lesson is harder: While I wish for feedback, to depend on it is
to give up my own power. Instead, just as when I drove through the rain,
I need some inner compass, some inner measure to check my progress. In
Six Seconds' EQ Model this comes from Intrinsic Motivation and from
Pursuing a Noble Goal.

Intrinsic motivation is the force that drives you from within. It is a font
of inner power that is directed by your deepest aspirations. It is renewed
by integrity and living with purpose, and diminished by shame and arrogance.
In its simplest form, intrinsic motivation gets you through the rain inspire
of poor visibility; over a lifetime it sets apart those who shape history
from those who watch and complain.

These two forces, intrinsic motivation and the desire for feedback, are
often in conflict. I can imagine myself driving down the road, stopping
every mile to wait for someone to tell me I am doing ok, paralyzed by my
need for validation (there is research on intrinsic motivation below).
So, like most of life's most intriguing challenges, there is a fine line.
On the one hand, craving feedback means giving up autonomy; on the other,
it means collaborating with others to share both purpose and power.

So, as you step boldly into a new year, I challenge you to make room in your
life for both inner drive and outer connection -- and even more importantly,
I invite you to share both of powerhouses these with a few people each day.

Warmly yours,
-Josh
Joshua Freedman

PS. I received some wise and empathic comments about "The Ugly Truths
About Fatherhood." One parent wrote that rather than battling about
clothes, she ended up letting her son go to school in pajamas and face his
own consequences; she said she's worked to pick her battles and choose
those with long-term consequences.

Another mom, Joni, sent this message -- I've cried each time I've read it:
"Your reflection leaves me in tears that cover the range of emotions.
All the tea parties, beautiful dresses, attempts at solid parenting, and
cuddly moments are part of my rich memory as I leave to go to the
airport to pick up my daughter from college.
I envy you for your day (even the unglamorous parts) in ways you will
understand years from now."

Thank you for the reminder that even "bad" days will never come again.
-J


PPS. Please check out these two new additions to the web site:

** Certified Associates listing: http://6seconds.org/cert

** Customer Satisfaction surveys on Six Seconds, other orgs, and SEL programs: http://6seconds.org/quality


**************************
Research on Intrinsic Motivation:
**************************

One view is that intrinsic motivation is basically the desire to be autonomous (Deci and Ryan, 1987 -- a good scholarly article is here: http://www.cpa.ca/cjbsnew/1996/ful_enzle.html). As the parent of young children, I can see the incredible power of that drive.

Another model is that inner motivation comes from a match between skills, interests, and environment. For example, "Malone (1981) argues that intrinsic motivation is created by three qualities: challenge, fantasy, and curiosity.... Intrinsically motivating activities provide learners with a broad range of challenge, concrete feedback, and clear-cut criteria for performance" (from http://tip.psychology.org/motivate.html).

In any case, most researchers seem to agree that intrinsic motivation is diminished by the wrong kinds of external forces. A great advocate for this view is Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards. (Here is a good article by Kohn: http://www.gnu.org/philosophy/motivation.html).

Six Seconds' EQ Model, including intrinsic motivation, is described here:
http://www.6seconds.org/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=2


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©2002, Joshua Freedman - http://www.6seconds.org
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