December 31, 2001


"Daddy, when I grow bigger bigger, I want to be a fire fighter," pipes Emma,
in her small high voice. Emma speaks carefully, each word equally
articulated, and with the total certainty of someone who has passed the wise
age of two and a half years.

After a moment, she turns to me again. "Daddy, when you get bigger bigger,
what do you want to be?"

Three weeks later, I am still pondering. At the time I said, "Well, I am an
author, and manager, and consultant." She said, "Oh," knowing that was not a
real answer.

About a month ago, I was talking with Fredrik about his plans after finishing
at Kaospilot University. He was visiting us from Sweden to work on the EQ
Toolbox (http://www.EQtoolbox.org). When Fredrik asked me what I envision
for my future, I started talking about my job, and the fabulous projects we
are doing with Six Seconds.

"I'm wondering," Fredrik said, "not about your work, but about your life.
What life do you want to be living in five years?"

Ah, take a challenging question and make it really tough. This is clear
evidence that Fredrik is ready to be a consultant.

When I get "bigger bigger" I want to be clear. I want to be able to answer
smart consultant's questions. I want to have a plan.

Or do I? On the one hand, a plan makes sense -- it is tough to get someplace
with no end in mind. On the other hand, with no end in mind, I already AM
someplace.

This is a slippery slope, a knife-edge over two deep ravines. One side means
living for the future, building walls out of unmet expectations, and missing
the true joys of the present. In the other is Homer's "Land of the Lotus
Eaters," where false contentment turns energy into apathy.

People react differently to plans. Maybe "plan" means something totally
different to different people. My brother Christo, for example, seems to
loathe the notion of a plan. He would like to stay open to the possibilities, and
sees defining objectives as an exercise in self-delusion. Our father loves
plans. The living out of a plan is not so relevant for him, but making plans is
his way of considering the world.

Maybe that is part of Christo's aversion to plans -- his experience is that
they are not followed. Likewise, Anabel -- Six Seconds' President -- always
cautions people about plans lest they get caught up in making something
happen and cease to treat others as humans. So there are dangers in plans --
they can close the doors, and they can lead you to act in ways that made sense
only in planning, but don't make sense in reality.

Patty says plans give her comfort -- without a plan there are too many
possibilities. I like plans because they create the opportunity for
accountability. Making a plan is a thinking-through process, then following a
plan is a living-through process. It is a chance for me to check in with
myself and measure my ability to predict and my ability to keep
commitments.

Of course, these questions come into close focus on the cusp of a new year.
How do I evaluate the success of a year? How do I balance success in some
areas with failure in others?

When I get bigger bigger, I want to see the difference between a seductive
fiction and a meaningful intention. I want to be guided by my heart and mind
together, so I can seek out wisdom. I want to balance the future with the
present.

Last week, I was at the Q-Metrics holiday party -- naturally a "high EQ
affair" -- where my friend Dina told me about her new year's journal. It is
a small blank book, and each new year she writes a few goals for the year.
Periodically during the year, she checks in on her goals.

This seems like a useful way to measure a year, so I will try it starting today.
I'll write a goal about being a daddy, and making time for my kids to ask me
hard questions. I'll set a goal of continuing my own learning (and related
status-building -- for example, an objective well be to complete another four
courses for my ever-moving doctorate).

I'll also write a goal of making a more family-friendly space for our kids.
This probably means buying a house -- though I'm alarmed by this objective,
since Patty has been reading me real estate listings as a write.

As I set these goals, I am working to differentiate the "what," the "why," and
the "how." A goal is a "what," expressed in a way that makes the "why"
obvious. It is not dependent on a "how." Then, the challenge is to turn the
goals into practical objectives -- so another goal will be about checking in on
my goals to see if I am turning them into action. And perhaps by the time the
book is full, I will know what I want to be.

Today Patty, Max, Emma, and I went on a walk, and Patty asked Emma if she
still was going to be a firefighter, again Emma asked what I was going to be.
"What do you think I am going to be?"
Emma was not prepared for this question. She paused and looked toward the
trees.
"When you grow up, you will be an elephant," she answered.
"What about me?" asked Patty.
"You can be an elephant too."
"That's good," Patty told me squeezing my hand, "we can be elephants
together."

May your new year be abundant with connection, clarity, and peace.
-Josh

******************************************************

Feel free to forward, so long as you keep this bit:

EQ Reflections are published by Six Seconds
http://www.6seconds.org/mail.php3


©2001, Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds EQ Network
http://www.6seconds.org

******************************************************