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 Recently I've been wondering if any of us make it past the emotional development of a 2.5 year-old. I've been watching my daughter, Emma, turn the corner from "terrible twos" back to human, and I keep seeing her act out my own behaviors and the behaviors of other adults. This leads to questions about how "troubled teens" get that way, and how the "Egosystem" drives us to these battles.
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"Troubled Teens"
April 18, 2002
Recently I've been wondering if any of us make it past the emotional development of a 2.5 year-old. I've been watching my daughter, Emma, turn the corner from "terrible twos" back to human, and I keep seeing her act out my own behaviors and the behaviors of other adults.
Those of you who know Emma from reading about her or meeting her know that she is just about the most delightful person imaginable. Except when she does not get her way.
So how do I react when I do not get my way? I'd like to say I cope, learn, and try again. The truth is less pretty. When I do not get my way, I sulk, I stomp, I rage, I cry. I blame, I cajole, I coerce. I make others wrong and bad. I make myself right and righteous. Often I hide this terrible drama, but if you pay attention, you can certainly see it.
This is embarrassing. What's devastating is that I do not know a single adult who does not do the same. If you feel attacked by that statement, you might be doing it right now! While most of us learn to put a "civilized" gloss over the reactions, they still drive us.
I have not written an EQ Reflection in several months, mostly because the Six Seconds team has been deeply absorbed in a new project. We're working with a group of "Emotional Growth Boarding Schools" -- programs for teens who are acting out or acting in. The students have been engaged in self-destructive behaviors, and the schools teach them self-awareness and self-management.
Like the majority of Six Seconds' consulting, we're working with the schools to set new goals and then persevering with them to work toward the goals. Our purpose is to infuse EQ into the schools. Unlike most clients, they already have a total commitment to emotional development -- so it is a delightful project closely aligned with our mission and noble goals.
It so happened that the schools needed some web sites built, and since I do that work too, I've been madly gluing electrons together (you can see some of the results at Click here and clicking to the various schools and program). In managing these web sites, I have been getting copies of inquiries from parents, and that brings me to the point:
Every day I've been reading 10 to 20 messages from parents whose teens are out of bounds. The kids are running away, exploding, imploding, threatening, hurting themselves, crying out in pain, shame, fear, anger, and grief.
What is happening to engender this constant river of pain?
I have written before about one of our teachers, Claire Nuer. She taught about noble goals, and also about something called the "Egosystem" and the "Ecosystem." My embarrassing list of reactions is a direct result of living in the egosystem. In this system, my worth is derived from being right, we compete, and we each take. If you say "no" to me, then I have to punish you, I have to hurt you back, I have to exert my right to be right.
Part of the tenacity of the egosystem is that it feels good to throw a tantrum. It feels powerful to be righteous and to blame and shame someone so I can feel "better than." It only feels good for a moment, but the fiction of power is a heady intoxicant.
The alternative is the ecosystem. In the ecosystem, it does not scare me when you say "no." I know we each can be right, and that punishing you for disagreeing does not help either of us achieve what is most important in our lives. In the ecosystem, we each utilize our unique capacities, our best selves, and greatness comes from giving one another strength.
The river of pain is the result of a world stuck in the egosystem. It should be enough to inspire change -- yet somehow tomorrow we'll see hundreds or thousands more families get better at fighting, taking, struggling, and reacting. I'll contribute to that pattern because it is what I'm used to, and I am guessing you will too.
Today I was invited to lunch with Emma and Gracie, both almost 3. Gracie's mom and Patty were talking about body piercing, and we got to talking about how strongly we did not want our daughters to experiment with that form of expression. We were envisioning the battle of wills that might ensue for the next 15 years, and fully immersed in the reactions of 2.8-year-olds, none of us was sure how these battles would resolve. I got to thinking of the parents writing to CEDU every day, and the escalating battles they are facing.
I would like to think we'll never get to that point with Emma or Max. I know we are good parents, and we are surrounding our children with love. I also know we are living in a place and time where fear is powerful. What can I do?
For now, I will remember that each time I want to give into the intoxication of flaunting my 2.5-year-old self, there is a terrible price. And while that moment can feel sweet, the bliss of my children's trust is far more compelling.
-Josh
Notes and News: For more about emotional growth, you might like to visit the Crossroads and Bridges Magazine (web design by guess who!)
If you are interested in an in-depth experience learning about the ecosystem, Learning As Leadership offers a 9-day course (part of a year-long course) teaching this model of personal mastery: info@learnaslead.com or Click here
The next international Emotional Intelligence Conference is in Durban, South Africa, June 19-21. I will be there! There is more info on thei web site.
Six Seconds' newest team member, Kate Bedford, has been diligently adding lessons to the free Self-Science archive -- I recommend a visit, and please give back by writing up one of your favorite lessons!
If you have not seen the EQ Toolbox, please take a look -- a guide for people to create an emotional intelligence project in their organizations and communities.
Finally, The Center for Social & Emotional Education (CSEE) has a new "spotlight" section on its web site -- currently featuring Dr. Steven Tobias speaking on Developing an Emotional Vocabulary. click here
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Feel free to forward, so long as you keep this bit:
EQ Reflections are published by Six Seconds
6seconds.org
(c)2002, Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds EQ Network
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Posted on April 18, 2002 by Editor
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