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 When Emma asked me, "Daddy, what do you want to be when you get bigger bigger?" it lead me to wonder about making plans, growing, and evaluating each year.
Fortunately, Emma also came up with an answer to her own question.
When I Grow Up
December 31, 2001
"Daddy, when I grow bigger bigger, I want to be a fire fighter," pipes Emma, in her small high voice. Emma speaks carefully, each word equally articulated, and with the total certainty of someone who has passed the wise age of two and a half years.
After a moment, she turns to me again. "Daddy, when you get bigger bigger, what do you want to be?"
Three weeks later, I am still pondering. At the time I said, "Well, I am an author, and manager, and consultant." She said, "Oh," knowing that was not a real answer.
About a month ago, I was talking with Fredrik about his plans after finishing at Kaospilot University. He was visiting us from Sweden to work on the EQ Toolbox (EQ Toolbox). When Fredrik asked me what I envision for my future, I started talking about my job, and the fabulous projects we are doing with Six Seconds.
"I'm wondering," Fredrik said, "not about your work, but about your life. What life do you want to be living in five years?"
Ah, take a challenging question and make it really tough. This is clear evidence that Fredrik is ready to be a consultant.
When I get "bigger bigger" I want to be clear. I want to be able to answer smart consultant's questions. I want to have a plan.
Or do I? On the one hand, a plan makes sense -- it is tough to get someplace with no end in mind. On the other hand, with no end in mind, I already AM someplace.
This is a slippery slope, a knife-edge over two deep ravines. One side means living for the future, building walls out of unmet expectations, and missing the true joys of the present. In the other is Homer's "Land of the Lotus Eaters," where false contentment turns energy into apathy.
People react differently to plans. Maybe "plan" means something totally different to different people. My brother Christo, for example, seems to loathe the notion of a plan. He would like to stay open to the possibilities, and sees defining objectives as an exercise in self-delusion. Our father loves plans. The living out of a plan is not so relevant for him, but making plans is his way of considering the world.
Maybe that is part of Christo's aversion to plans -- his experience is that they are not followed. Likewise, Anabel -- Six Seconds' President -- always cautions people about plans lest they get caught up in making something happen and cease to treat others as humans. So there are dangers in plans -- they can close the doors, and they can lead you to act in ways that made sense only in planning, but don't make sense in reality.
Patty says plans give her comfort -- without a plan there are too many possibilities. I like plans because they create the opportunity for accountability. Making a plan is a thinking-through process, then following a plan is a living-through process. It is a chance for me to check in with myself and measure my ability to predict and my ability to keep commitments.
Of course, these questions come into close focus on the cusp of a new year. How do I evaluate the success of a year? How do I balance success in some areas with failure in others?
When I get bigger bigger, I want to see the difference between a seductive fiction and a meaningful intention. I want to be guided by my heart and mind together, so I can seek out wisdom. I want to balance the future with the present.
Last week, I was at the Q-Metrics holiday party -- naturally a "high EQ affair" -- where my friend Dina told me about her new year's journal. It is a small blank book, and each new year she writes a few goals for the year. Periodically during the year, she checks in on her goals.
This seems like a useful way to measure a year, so I will try it starting today. I'll write a goal about being a daddy, and making time for my kids to ask me hard questions. I'll set a goal of continuing my own learning (and related status-building -- for example, an objective well be to complete another four courses for my ever-moving doctorate).
I'll also write a goal of making a more family-friendly space for our kids. This probably means buying a house -- though I'm alarmed by this objective, since Patty has been reading me real estate listings as a write.
As I set these goals, I am working to differentiate the "what," the "why," and the "how." A goal is a "what," expressed in a way that makes the "why" obvious. It is not dependent on a "how." Then, the challenge is to turn the goals into practical objectives -- so another goal will be about checking in on my goals to see if I am turning them into action. And perhaps by the time the book is full, I will know what I want to be.
Today Patty, Max, Emma, and I went on a walk, and Patty asked Emma if she still was going to be a firefighter, again Emma asked what I was going to be. "What do you think I am going to be?"
Emma was not prepared for this question. She paused and looked toward the trees.
"When you grow up, you will be an elephant," she answered.
"What about me?" asked Patty.
"You can be an elephant too."
"That's good," Patty told me squeezing my hand, "we can be elephants together."
May your new year be abundant with connection, clarity, and peace.
-Josh
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Feel free to forward, so long as you keep this bit:
EQ Reflections are published by Six Seconds
6seconds.org
(c)2001, Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds EQ Network
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Posted on December 31, 2001 by Editor
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