Talking to Emma about feelings, Josh learns that many feelings are really "mad and a little sad." Includes ideas on talking to pre-schoolers about emotions.
EQ Reflection: Feeling Words
Yesterday Emma, Max, and I went for a walk that was a little disappointing. We arrived at the park to find it was literally covered with water! The play structure was like a bridge over a shallow lake.
We went home to see if our own sandbox was better. Since I believe it is validating for people to know that someone recognizes their feelings, I said, "Emma, this is disappointing, isn't it?" She agreed. Curious (as usual), I asked her what that word means.
"Sad, and angry," said Emma. Oh.
"Well, what about when Maxie has a toy you want, what is that?"
She said, "Angry, and also sad."
"What about when you want to do something, and I say, 'no,' what's that feeling?"
"That's sad, and angry," said Emma.
I laughed because she is so right -- most of our "unpleasant emotions" feel a lot alike. We continued to discuss all the different feeling words I could think of.
I suggested that when Max has a toy she wants, that might also be called jealousy. She said jealousy is also when you are really angry, and sad, because you don't get to have the toy.
Here are some of the other examples we discussed:
- Frustration is when you want Daddy to bring your drink right now, but he takes a long time.
- Remorse is when you do something you wish you had not done.
- Rage is when you are so mad you want to bite or hit.
- Joy is when you are so happy and excited you jump instead of walk.
Of course, there are many other feeling words and emotions. We'll soon talk more about fear, sorrow, grief, acceptance, and the other feelings that create the richness of life.
The reason I want her to know and talk about different feelings is that I see her own strong emotions are problematic for my little tempest. She gets incredibly angry when we say, "no," and she is afraid of that powerful force. I hope that by naming it, the feelings become less mysterious, less of fearful unknown.
Also, I know that later we'll be able to work on transforming the feelings by understanding them. Each emotion carries its own message, and by listening to the messages we get more benefit from the emotions with less of the cost.
Of course, as I attempt to teach Emma about emotions, she will continue to teach me more. For all we create these theories, the cognitive ideas, emotions are not about ideas. So, next time life are not going the way I want, and I feel "angry and a little sad," I'll think of her innocent clarity.
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©2003, Joshua Freedman; Six Seconds EQ Network: Inspiring emotional wisdom.
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About the author:
Joshua Freedman is the Director of Programs for the Six Seconds EQ Network, and the co-author of the Self-Science EQ curricula series (http://self-science.com). Josh's most significant challenge is collaborating with his wife, Patty, to stay one step ahead of their children and EQ teachers, Max and Emma (who are 2 and 4 at this time).
