December 29, 2002

On Christmas day we drove home from a celebration of family cheer, and found ourselves on the road shrouded in rain and fog. It was raining so hard that I could hardly see the car in front of me. Punctuated by driving rain and slapping windshield wipers, the Christmas carols began to all sound the same. Everyone in the car was drowsy or sleeping, and it began to seem like all my senses were wrapped in the fog as well.

There were no landmarks, just grayness and water. Nothing marked the passing miles but the green blinks of the clock. After about 30 minutes, I thought that I'd been driving forever and going nowhere.

Lost in the fog, I began to wonder if I knew where I was, or where I was going? How could I tell? Yet I continued down the path, committing not just myself, but also those I love most in the world, and sped into the mystery.

As I drove, I thought how much that travel is like life. Commitment means picking a destination then hurling ourselves from complacency to action. It means driving boldly down a road without landmarks.

In the metaphor I see two lessons about power. The first is about feedback, and the second is about intrinsic motivation.

On the road feeling lost in the fog, I wished for someone to clap me on the shoulder and say a hearty, "Carry on!" "Your care matters." "Thank you for steering your best course." The feedback would have helped me know that I WAS going somewhere, that it was not just an exercise in futility.

While I would have liked the support, it is important for me to know that I could, did, and can drive on without the feedback. And, I also know sometimes in life's real journeys I get lost without the support to drive as well, as far, or as boldly as I could. Especially some days when the "road" is especially dim and vague.

So, my New Year's messages for you:

"Carry on!"

"Your care matters."

"Thank you for steering your best course."

In fact, I would genuinely appreciate it if you would do me the honor of letting me give you some more personal feedback. Send me an email about an accomplishment, a challenge, an effort you have made to be your best self, and let me give you my thanks.

The second lesson is harder: While I wish for feedback, to depend on it is to give up my own power. Instead, just as when I drove through the rain, I need some inner compass, some inner measure to check my progress. In Six Seconds' EQ Model this comes from Intrinsic Motivation and from Pursuing a Noble Goal.

Intrinsic motivation is the force that drives you from within. It is a font of inner power that is directed by your deepest aspirations. It is renewed by integrity and living with purpose, and diminished by shame and arrogance. In its simplest form, intrinsic motivation gets you through the rain inspire of poor visibility; over a lifetime it sets apart those who shape history from those who watch and complain.

These two forces, intrinsic motivation and the desire for feedback, are often in conflict. I can imagine myself driving down the road, stopping every mile to wait for someone to tell me I am doing ok, paralyzed by my need for validation (there is research on intrinsic motivation below).

So, like most of life's most intriguing challenges, there is a fine line. On the one hand, craving feedback means giving up autonomy; on the other, it means collaborating with others to share both purpose and power.

As you step boldly into a new year, I challenge you to make room in your life for both inner drive and outer connection -- and even more importantly, I invite you to share both of powerhouses these with a few people each day.

Warmly yours,
-Josh
Joshua Freedman

PS. I received some wise and empathic comments about "The Ugly Truths About Fatherhood." One parent wrote that rather than battling about clothes, she ended up letting her son go to school in pajamas and face his own consequences; she said she's worked to pick her battles and choose those with long-term consequences.

Another mom, Joni, sent this message -- I've cried each time I've read it:

"Your reflection leaves me in tears that cover the range of emotions. All the tea parties, beautiful dresses, attempts at solid parenting, and cuddly moments are part of my rich memory as I leave to go to the airport to pick up my daughter from college.

I envy you for your day (even the unglamorous parts) in ways you will understand years from now."

Thank you for the reminder that even "bad" days will never come again.
-J

PPS. Please check out these two new additions to the web site

Find an EQ Expert from the new Certified Associates listing: www.6seconds.org/cert

Please help evaluate the quality of SEL programs and organizations with these Customer Satisfaction surveys: www.6seconds.org/quality

Research on Intrinsic Motivation:

One view is that intrinsic motivation is basically the desire to be autonomous (Deci and Ryan, 1987 -- a good scholarly article is here). As the parent of young children, I can see the incredible power of that drive.

Another model is that inner motivation comes from a match between skills, interests, and environment. For example, "Malone (1981) argues that intrinsic motivation is created by three qualities: challenge, fantasy, and curiosity.... Intrinsically motivating activities provide learners with a broad range of challenge, concrete feedback, and clear-cut criteria for performance" (source).

In any case, most researchers seem to agree that intrinsic motivation is diminished by the wrong kinds of external forces. A great advocate for this view is Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards. (Here is a good article by Kohn).

Six Seconds' EQ Model, including intrinsic motivation, is described here.