All About Emotional Intelligence from Six Seconds - "What Is" Part II -- Managing and Using Anger

EQ Reflections: "What Is" Part II -- Managing and Using Anger

In Part One, I asked about how to stay present and focused on the world, despite the overwhelming feeling that the whole thing is a mess. I also asked how to keep anger focused on positive change.

I received a wealth of suggestions about focusing on "What IS" and about productively using anger. Here is the summary, and below are many responses. The last response includes a trove of quotes on reality and hope.

A summary of advice about anger and "What Is?":

- Explore the source, especially the underlying fear.
- Balance the "explosive" with positive feelings.
- Keep my feelings flowing -- exercise helps!
- Ask questions -- reflect on the other person, listen actively
- Don't let the emotion become an excuse.
- See that the "mess" in the world is also part of the beauty and wonder.
- Own my part of it -- and work on myself first.
- Start with the positive and build from there.
- Remember that discomfort is ok.
- Break the challenges into baby steps.
- Build up hope, and use that as a foundation.
- Do creative expression -- painting, writing, etc.
- Serve others, especially children.
- Recognize the self-indulgence of "wallowing" in rage; instead, feel it fully and then do something productive.
- Listen and be listened to.
- Connect with the spiritual.
- End each day knowing I've done your best, done ALL I could.
- Distinguish between suppressing feeling and suppressing action -- feel the anger, and also don't act in anger.
- Proactively release stress.

Here are some additional thoughts:

For starters, we need to know what anger is, what it feels like, what it tells us. Like trying to see one of those tiny insects out of the corner of your eye, it's hard to understand something you can't bring into focus.

Remember, at the core, anger sending a message (as all emotions do). If you listen to the message, you can do something constructive.

Then, we need to assess the messages we're getting from the anger. Anger is a message about dissatisfaction -- about something not being right in our world. Where is the source of the dissatisfaction? What do we want to change? The more specific and truthful we can be when understanding the message, the more we can use anger positively. It is convenient to blame others or point outside ourselves -- and it seems most often the real message is about ourselves.

Also, remember you can't swim across the river if you won't get wet. Using emotions requires FEELING them. For some people this means unlearning the belief that emotion is bad. The challenge is to blend thinking and feeling -- to let them inform one another and build clarity.

The next step is to take action. Rather than letting the anger remain as a lump-under-the-carpet over which we keep tripping, we need to use it to fuel our actions. We need to give up the comfort of depression, the false power of abusiveness, the bliss of escapism, and actually do something to create change.

For me, the biggest challenge is feeling overwhelmed. That list of all the reasons to be enraged is like a wave hanging over me. If I look up, I might have to give up. So now it is time for a dose of optimism: if I want to make change, I've got to hold onto the belief that all these messes are temporary, isolated, and that I can affect them through my own effort (for more on optimism and TIE, see http://www.eqtoday.com/anabel.html).

I am committed to practicing -- and I know I can't do it alone!

Thank you for reading, for writing, and for using your emotions as a source of positive energy.

With love,
-Josh

========================
In my experience as a hypnotherapist, EFT and NLP Trainer I have found that anger is based in fear. Drop down the logical levels of the anger to discover the fear or guilt underneath and deal with that. E.g. drop down from your anger at rape you may discover the fear is that someone close to you may be raped or was raped -- and deal with those feelings through security measures, playing a movie in your head of the worst fear happening yet surviving and becoming stronger, and forgiving those who are only products of their programming - and yourself too for those feelings. As Susan Jeffers says "Feel the fear - and do it anyway".

Sincerely,
Beryl Comar, Dubai

===================================

I know that anger is exhausting. It is not a good way to motivate myself because I can't sustain it and it interferes, overpowers and consumes my other feelings before I can examine them.

If I find myself angry, I can personally find where it is coming from and adjust.

For example, I am driving down the road:

Why did that <bleeping> jerk just cut me off???
a) he considers himself and his needs to be more important than mine.
b) he didn't think of the consequences of his actions and didn't realize he would put me and my family in danger.

Why did I get angry?
a) I want to protect myself and my loved ones.
b) my needs are just as important as his.

I adjust by remembering:
- to drive with an expectation that someone WILL cut me off so that I can be prepared for the danger it creates
- the love I have for the people I care about
- to feel confident in my own thoughts and actions
- to consider my own actions in advance so that I don't do this to others

I learn and remember the situation and motivate myself to teach others to recognize and adjust too. Only then can I effect real change.

Children are our living legacies and the only way to make the changes permanent.

If I am enraged, I easily forget what really matters.
- Dale Asberry

===================

"When it is impossible for anger to arise within you, you find no outside enemies anywhere. An outside enemy exists only if there is anger inside."
-Lama Zopa Rinpoche, "The Door to Satisfaction

I got this off my Budhist Daily Meditations site. Anger is that emotion that can give us positive energy for good once we recognize it. Look at the speech from the movie Ghandi when he addresses the Indian Congress about human/civil rights. He was speaking from his anger but was putting it to good use and the anger of the Congress. When I start to get angry I ask myself: Am I in danger? Am I about to get killed, maimed or physically hurt? If the answer is yes, then I tell myself to seek safety or get an expert (such as a policeman). If the answer is no, then I know I am just uncomfortable and no one died of being uncomfortable. Since I am only uncomfortable, then I ask myself, What is the positive sustainable difference I can make in this situation? That begins a long list of things (the six second pause) that I put my mind to work doing and deflect the anger into more worthy pursuits.

The reason I submit this to you is that my anger once controlled me in a very negative way. It is still there but I live with it now and attempt to use it for some good.

Byron Murray

=================

I usually get angry when I have NOT done something or said something that I know I need to, when I am incomplete within myself. Sometimes I can hang out and blame someone or something outside my self for a while... and then I have to look inside me, at my piece. What was my part in creating this? What do I want to do about it? How do I want to feel about this?

The more self-knowledge I gain about who I am and how I function, and the more I experience intimacy within myself and with others, and the more I express my love and effort to do the "right" things, the less tolerance I have for the pain of being out of integrity, for not speaking what is true for me, for not doing what I know I need to do.

I don't know that it is the right or healthiest motivation, a lot of what I do is based on how I want to feel, and to be in alignment with myself vs. carrying a "load" of shoulds and "I'll do it later" expectations.

When I look at the pain in the world - the ignorance, the poverty and the violence - it feels so enormously wrong and if I allow myself to really feel it it is "crazy making". When I step back and take it to what I call a soul level, I see things differently... that we are all here to have life experience and make choices and learn for as long as we're here. Everyone has a different journey and we don't know consciously what life will bring. I do believe we are here to support each other along the way. The older I get, the more I believe that the best thing I can do to serve the world and myself is to "be love"... and to do my best in all situations.

I am wondering if this sounds simplistic, or philosophical or unrealistic or "airy-fairy". For me it is real and what I practice and the only way I believe I can make a difference in the world. I can't do everything or change everything or make things better for everyone... I can't do it. I can choose the energy I send out into the world (through prayers, thoughts, actions), I can choose what I model for others (my children), I can speak my heart, I can choose how I feel and live in my life, how I spend my life time....that is my freedom.

It's some years ago now, but when Mike and I would get into terrible arguments... yelling at times and doing damage to each other and our relationship and, now I know, to the kids as well, we would be soooo angry! We would go round and round and round... an awful pattern! It always seemed that arguments would build because one of us wouldn't feel heard. I finally learned to step back (out of my ego)and drop my defensiveness and I would see Mike doing this "dance of anger and frustration" and I would look past his anger, and ask myself "what is the message?" and "what am I not hearing that he really wants me to hear so badly?" Everything changed for me... no more resentment toward him, less frustration, energy was directed toward understanding and resolution instead of "being right"... it was the greatest thing. And again, I made a choice about how I wanted to be/feel in my relationship with my husband and in my life.
Love you,
Sue B

================================
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I've learned quite a bit about expressing anger and seeing things for what they are. it seems to me that what you discussed in your article is several parts. There is the response about what to do with your own anger - releasing it in healthy ways.

Secondly, though, you discuss how to view 'what is' without feeling the overwhelm or losing your own sanity/safety. Because really, that's where the overwhelm comes in - if I can't change everything, how safe am I? right? So, one of the things I've learned when I get that overwhelm feeling, is to think in baby steps. I can correct small things first. Myself. I'm in serious, intensive therapy. I can help those who are close to me, by being supportive of them, and sharing what I've learned, if it is appropriate and they want to hear it. The rest, I have to leave until I am able to work on those things.

I know that may not seem like much of a solution, but really, what good is a person that is trying to change the world, and gets burnt out, or goes insane, or whatever? Also, I TRULY believe that to reach or change one person is sooooo important. I believe we can all change this world one person at a time.

Those are my thoughts for tonight.

- Lisa

"If I do the thing that is best for me, it will be, without exception, the best for all concerned"
-- unknown -- The Meadows, Arizona

"Every human being has, like Socrates, an attendant spirit; and wise are they who obey its signals. If it does not always tell us what to do, it always cautions us what not to do."
--Lydia M. Child

====================

I agree anger has a place and it's how we display it that determines who will listen and what will get changed. I work in the youth development field and do a lot of work with parents and schools. As you said, we all know we should exercise or diet but how many of us do it successfully? I don't. God knows there's plenty of education telling me why something is not good for me. I think I should get credit for all the "thinking" I do of changing. But change takes time, energy and commitment and we (generally speaking) are exhausted. Who has more time, more energy, etc? So -- I have found a simple way to teach and motivate those I am trying to reach by first acknowledging what they are doing right. Thanking them and celebrating their efforts. That takes the "defensiveness" away. Then through the use of bulletin sheets, tip sheets, newsletters, TV shows etc., I build on those things they are doing right. Each time a few more tips, a few more hints of how to do what they do a little better, a little deeper. Since my work is based around relationship building, I am amazed what people do that they don't realize the damage they've done just by how they say something. It's been pretty cool and well received because they do not feel threatened or judged. Now, that's a little different from being enraged about crimes against women, the corporate scandals, the environment etc., but in my little corner - bits and pieces and lots of thanks for the 'good' being done is working.

Have a great day. I look forward the Part II.
Sharon Mast

============================

I just read your post on anger and I am moved. I appreciate your transparency. From my limited knowledge, I am reminded that anger is an "active" emotion... you can't suppress it or hide it (forever)... it will erupt.. when you least expect it sometimes.. something will open the box and let it escape ... eventually... you have to respect it for what it is.

We have to learn APPROPRIATE ways to allow our anger to be useful and cause for motivation and a driving force to make our neighborhoods, our governments more effective... I'm now drifting back to our forefathers... without the anger against the violation of freedom Britain symbolized... where would we be now? Where would Paul Revere have gotten the strength to be so brave? I've got to believe that anger was an underlying force.. deep down (perhaps not so deep

Every emotion, if not unchecked or appreciated for it's benefit can be dangerous (even "free love")... I think we need to respect anger and use it appropriately... it's a valid emotion and unhealthy for one not to look at it in themselves for what it is... "Ask not what your anger can do for you what you can do with your anger, appropriately..."
;)
Fondly,
Joyce Moore

=======================

This is very thought provoking. What I attempt to do with my anger is to re-channel its energy into something more positive or at least not destructive. Use it to write a poem or a piece of prose with lots of emotion. Use it to paint a picture. Use it to drive me to go run and burn it up in exercise that benefits my body. The events are usually not particularly good or bad but how I react to them is.

Thanks for the newsletter. I enjoy it.

Mike Smith
============================
Having your anger listened too while it is vented as opposed to venting it unawarely at people who are actually scared of you is the way to heal it. The person who agrees to listen to your anger has to be clear enough to know
that the anger is not about them. Ask the question - what is the earliest memory you have of being angry and having that anger shut down by the adults
around you. That is where anger and rage really starts. For more information visit http://www.rc.org
Janet

================================
I think there are three levels that are at work for me. First, I am a believer, so I pray. I have seen God answer prayer and so that is a definite action -- stir up the spiritual world which everything rests on and bring the energy of God into the problem. Next, I feel that I must be an activist in as much as I am able. I believe that I must forgive myself for only being able to do what I can while I care for myself, my family, etc. But I have joined Working Assets, I write letters to Congressmen, and keep politically active as I can. and Finally, I volunteer in my community. This year I am in National Service and am dedicating my days to teaching local underprivileged children literacy/reading skills. I intend to use my life as a force for good by choosing a career that will benefit my community as well as myself. I live by principle(s), not by the almight dollar -- I weed out greed and live instead by simplicity principles, compassion and kindness. I like what Gandhi said -- we must BE the change we want to see in society. And at the end of the day ... I can say I have done ALL I could. How's that for an answer?

Robin

======================

I don't know how one directs anger appropriately given so much in the world and at home that is worthy of a righteous anger response. One way that I try to avoid the consuming nature of the raw rage is to do something positive to counteract the wrongs that you outline and that I see as well. What does that look like for me?

Since I don't have children, one way that I've found to shed light/hope/encouragement to children is to connect with a specific child at my church each week. I ask how she's doing in school, what's happened that's exciting during the past week, remember birthdays and special occasions. It feels small and it is and I hope it matters to that one child.

In the community I work on one small, organization board that supports a robust and diverse education for pre-schoolers, many of whose families have limited incomes and perhaps, limited social/political opportunities...if nothing were done to improve the prospects for their children.

As for correcting the larger environmental and geo-political atrocities, I am at a loss for how I can impact and improve those corruptions. Perhaps consume less, give more, be more human in my interactions with others and pray without ceasing.

I guess my message is that I am doing what I can where I am. My belief is that, while there is a need for large scale concerted action, I will do what I can do to "lean into the light".

That's it for me. Be at peace,

Sincerely,
Uneeda Brewer

========================

One suggestion for our world is something my husband and I have been involved in for the past several months. It's called Imago Therapy. After ten years as a psych nurse and all of this peace ed/EQ stuff it's the most amazing form of active listening in which I've ever had the privilege of participating. It's making a commitment to ask for the healthy expression of emotion including anger and being willing to take the time to listen just because you care about helping 'the other' heal. Awesome. Our marriage is being enriched in such a deep way. Thanks for all you do and for your great capacity.

In peace and with much love,
Wendy Tobias

===========================

I have come to believe and live the counsel of biblical script ..."be angry and sin not." Have your emotion, whatever it is, however negative, but do the right thing. And the right is not the politically correct thing, but that thing that honors natural laws or principles. It is about learning to separate our response from what has happened or is happening to us. Taking deliberate responsibility for our actions, and driven by a desire to find and express our best selves. The experience I am having, the awareness, what is it teaching me about myself? About others? My response, how does it contribute to my growth, to making this world a better place, even if done one person at a time? How do I channel all that energy towards some higher good?

Toney Olton

===========================

Thank you for your reflections, they have been always very insightful. But that one specifically struck home. I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm almost enraged by all what is happening around us in the Middle East politically economically and socially. But what to do?

I believe the choices are not limited to "Pop Up" or "Cover Up ." Dealing with rage has 2 aspects:
1) Expressing it in a constructive way

2) Releasing the stress caused by the rage you cannot express or do something about.

As for expression:

The first step is understanding the real source of the rage. Am I upset because the news are bad? Or because I can t do anything about it? Or because I m worried that my kids could be the next killed while sleeping? Or simply because it spoiled my dinner?

This is a very complicated process and requires a very high EQ. I found that talking to a friend or even talking to myself or writing a journal helps a lot.

Now that I know why I'm angry, come that most difficult part. Should I go out the streets and protest? Or should I simply pretend that I don't care? Is there any constructive thing I can do to make things better? Or is the solution beyond my reach or not worth the effort?

Each person given his/her circumstances has a choice to do something.. big or small. We make our choices based on the consequences and the resources required. For example, if my spouse is doing something that is irritating. I have a choice to talk about it openly and calmly and explaining why I'm irritated by this behavior. Or I can chose to scream out my anger and make things escalate. Or I can pretend that I'm not bothered (Cover Up) because it's a minor issue. The choice depends on the relationship history, the consequences of any of my actions, the time available and the other priorities. So I might act differently based on the timing and the person I'm dealing with.

The same for example in politics: In a democratic settings, I might start up a pressure group, write an article or organize a strike. In other settings I might choose to write in an underground newsletter or join an undercover party or simply not to do anything because I'm not willing to take the consequences.

So there is always a positive way for dealing with our negative emotions especially anger.

But what if we chose not to do or say something based on our assessment of our resources and the possible consequences of our actions? This might not be a bad choice always. In some cases it would be the wise thing to do. And here is the importance of the next step..

Stress Release:
Unexpressed emotions cause stress. And stress causes a lot of physical and psychological problems. In the real world we take conscious decisions not to express our feelings almost daily. That is in addition to the non-conscious ones. And as the stress accumulates it causes a broad spectrum of physical and psychological illnesses.

Stress management is a popular topic and many tools and techniques are available to help (e.g. Yoga, meditation, exercise, praying, painting, gardening ..etc) I personally found that borrowing crayons and coloring books form my kids helps a lot!

The problem is that we don't realize that we need to do something about stress till it's about too late.

Stress management not only manages the side effects of the unreleased emotions, it makes our reactions and emotions more realistic and proportional to the events.

I'm so sorry to write so much. I know I haven't said anything new. But writing this remind me again of the things I should be doing daily.

Thank you again and best regards,

Eman Albedah

================================

He that loseth his honesty hath nothing else to lose.--John Lyly

We all get angry. It is a human emotion. Like you mentioned there are differing ways in dealing with it, burying it, only for it to surface later sometimes explosively, and misdirected expressions.

I think the solution is hope.

In this world, feeling overwhelmed, powerless is easy to do. In a lack of hope, people feel angry, they lash out in frustration. Anger saps our strength to cope in a more positive manner. Hopeless people do nothing because they think there is nothing to do. A person with hope can recognize that the first step toward a better world is improving our own corner of it. Even closer, ourselves. A healthier person, is a person who is better able to cope with their emotions, anger, misery, etc.

For example, the one you used on exercise... It is actually a positive release for pent up anxiety, anger, and stress. Not only do you benefit physically, but emotionally as well. You sleep better, which we know affects the emotional balance, thus, the coping skills. When we tell ourselves lies that "comfort", we still lose a bit of good in ourselves in more ways than one.

When your brain is pulling out those "lets ignore 'what is' tricks so I can feel good for the moment," perhaps the answer is not a dramatic one, because most of us don't do well with "cold turkey" dramatic type of changes in our lives. As it is a moment then, make it a "choose yourself" moment, and at that moment, use your power to re-choose.

Some positive thoughts about dealing with anger swept under the carpet, we need to find better solutions. Hopeless people turn to extreme numbing such as drugs, alcohol, misguided outbursts (violence), etc. Finding hope, then if not in a power bigger than us, than starting with ourselves, knowing if we can't improve the whole world, we can improve ourselves, and maybe even be a positive influence on others.

A couple ways that works for me is exercise, and journal-writing, and creative writing, being a friend to other people, teaching whenever I can.

Josh. In your writing, I admire your ability to honestly, and objectively look at yourself, and then to be able to share that brutal honesty about yourself with complete strangers for the sake of teaching. I truly esteem, and appreciate that quality in your writing. Thank you.

I also wanted to mention a book for pre-school age that I found excellent in teaching how to deal with anger in a positive way. "When Sophie Gets Angry - Really, Really Angry..." by Molly Bang (Scholastic, 1999) I read for pre-school storytime at my local library and am able to pick my own theme, and stories each week. I strive to include EQ at every opportunity, and 'Anger' was a theme last Spring.

I'll close with some good quotes I found about hope and reality (what is).
- Paula Brown

Everyone has the right to believe and accept what he or she wants, but reality doesn't discriminate. Reality is not different for different people. Not once has reality excused anyone for good intentions ignorance or stubbornness. Reality shows no mercy, accepts no excuses, and issues no pardons. Reality does not "turn the other cheek." This does not mean that reality is cruel, it just means that reality is.
--Gary Ryan Blair

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
--Philip K. Dick

Reality isn't the way you wish things to be, nor the way they appear to be, but the way they actually are.
--Robert J. Ringer

The sky is not less blue because the blind man does not see it.
--Danish Proverb

We want the facts to fit the preconceptions. When they don't it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions.
--Jessamyn West

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men. You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage-payer. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatreds. You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man's initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
--Abraham Lincoln

The capacity for hope is the most significant fact of life. It provides human beings with a sense of destination and the energy to get started.
--Norman Cousins

He that lives in hope danceth without musick.
--George Herbert

Hope is a good thing -- maybe the best thing, and no good thing ever dies.
--Stephen King (The Shawshank Redemption)

Hope, like the gleaming taper's light
Adorns and cheers our way;
And still, as darker grows the night,
Emits a brighter ray.
--Oliver Goldsmith (The Captivity)

I know the world is filled with troubles and many injustices. But reality is as beautiful as it is ugly. I think it is just as important to sing about beautiful mornings as it is to talk about slums. I just couldn't write anything without hope in it.
--Oscar Hammerstein

In the face of uncertainty, there is nothing wrong with hope.
--Bernie S. Siegel

Man is a creature of hope and invention, both of which belie the idea that things cannot be changed.
--Tom Clancy (Debt of Honor)

My theory has always been, that if we are to dream, the flatteries of hope are as cheap, and pleasanter, than the gloom of despair.
--Thomas Jefferson

Of all the forces that make for a better world, none is so indispensable, none so powerful, as hope. Without hope people are only half alive. With hope they dream and think and work.
--Charles Sawyer

Whether we be young or old,
Our destiny, our being's heart and home,
Is with infinitude, and only there;
With hope it is, hope that can never die,
Effort and expectation, and desire,
And something evermore about to be.
--William Wordsworth (The Prelude)

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.
--Helen Keller

Posted on October 02, 2002 by Editor

Don't have an account yet? You can create one. As a registered user you have some advantages like theme manager, comments configuration and post comments with your name.