In a low but strong voice, the transmission would utter, “164 Norfolk.” “Go ahead 164,” replied the dispatcher.  “10-7,” he answered.

You see, my father was a Nebraska State Trooper.  Each evening he would radio to let the communications center know he had safely arrived home and was officially out of service. I would run as quickly as I could upstairs to greet him at the door; many times missing a step or two in my hurry.

He was a tall, slender man with an incredibly gentle soul.  A man made of integrity and honor; a public servant who took his duty to “protect and serve” seriously.  Together we would walk to the bedroom.  I watched as he removed his gun belt and placed it on the floor to be polished.  I became entranced as he carefully hung his uniform on the hanger and placed it in the closet; noticing that the uniform was still neatly pressed appearing as if it had just come from the cleaners.  I was mesmerized as he shined his badge and collar insignia.   And then… my favorite part of our ritual… the polishing of his black leather shoes.  Out came the wooden shoe shine kit made of cedar.

As we sat together over the wooden box he asked about my day.  He listened intently and many times with great empathy.  He shared stories of his day describing every detail of what he had encountered during his shift.  Silence would eventually come over us as we reflected on each other’s words.  Eventually the silence was broken by the cheerful sound of Dad’s whistling as he continued to shine away like a skillful pro at a barbershop.  When he was done, I was enthralled at how shiny his shoes appeared, revealing the reflection of my curly hair and the joy on my face.

Little does my father know of the gift he gave me over that wooden box.  Every evening I walked away with a better understanding of what it means to be humble, empathetic, optimistic, and most importantly, grateful.

Whose shoes do you need to shine today?

I grew up with the concept that the more pure the diamond–the more clarity and clearness without flaws–the more rare it is, and therefore, the more expensive.

And, a little research on the Internet seems to confirm those old thoughts.

Sure enough, yellow color in a diamond is considered a negative, an impurity.  Something about too much nitrogen.

And brown diamonds are firmly lodged at the bottom of the desirability list.

But last week I noticed an ad. It said “Bring a little sunshine into your day. Buy a yellow diamond.”

I was intrigued. Marketers were actively choosing words to increase the desirability of these less-than-top-quality diamonds, to enhance their value, to sell them.

Obviously, for as much money as possible.

Two weeks earlier, I had seen an advertisement for “chocolate diamonds,” a clever description to make lowly brown diamonds sound attractive.

And, although a brown color in a diamond makes it the least enticing, an ad describing them as chocolate diamonds makes them, for me, tantalizing.

The chocoholic in me wants one.

Isn’t that an interesting point about words?  The power of effective ones, paired with things we find joyful, fun, or addictive, is evident.

The context with which we surround something unattractive or unappealing adds considerable value (or not) to its perceived beauty. In this example, by using associative words like ‘sunshine’ and ‘chocolate,’ the previously identified inferior product – a yellow or brown diamond – becomes an alternative to the conventional and its desirability goes up.

People are like diamonds — multifaceted with varying degrees of clarity and color.

I would be happy to be classified as a chocolate diamond – a chocolate anything is decadent and divine, in my well-considered opinion.

I love all things stirred with chocolate—nuts, caramel, etc.

On the other hand, unlike the diamond, I do not want to be regularly scrutinized with a jeweler’s loupe, that ancient tool for determining color, clarity and the smallest of flaws.

Jewelers regularly use these monocular, handheld tools in order to magnify gemstones and other jewelry they wish to inspect. One that magnifies 10X (times) is standard for grading diamond clarity. This is the ultimate level of magnification that affects the grade.

The jeweler examines the diamond under strong light using the loupe. He peers at the center of the diamond, looking closely for black spots or cloudiness that could reduce the diamond’s brilliance.

I have a friend who has an imaginary loupe. She uses it constantly. Everything is examined with it closely and carefully. I would prefer she use it only on diamonds, but that is not the case.

She reads my blog and comments, “I so appreciated your article regarding age. I’m going to remember that – but are you aware you had a typo in paragraph four, line three?”

On another occasion, “Thank you for the surprise birthday luncheon you held for me. Wasn’t it fun? But why didn’t you invite more people?”

Or it might be, “Gee, I love that outfit, Anabel, but your lipstick is a shade too bright.” And then she rolls her eyes at my poor judgment.

Is my judgment inferior to hers, I wonder? And I am left feeling rather more self-critical of others and myself than I would prefer while I remain quiet even though I’m not feeling quiet. At all. I do not like to direct my disgust at anyone.

Paul Ekman, a guru on emotion, asserted at a recent neuroscience convention, “It is not anger which is the most destructive emotion. It is disgust.”

I agree with him.

Interestingly, this emotion encompasses a wide range of feelings from mild denigration to the detestable to the deplorable and finally the despicable. All are variations of disgust.

I think the “d” emotion is responsible for the dissolution of partnerships, of marriages, and friendships.

Can you think of instances in your own life when the “d” emotion interferes with the intimacy of a relationship?

With the cooperation and collaboration needed for a partnership, I wonder if it might not be improved with the “g” emotion – gratitude.

We need to be careful of the depth of our examinations, the words we use, the opinions we form. In our day-to-day relationships, it isn’t helpful to be jewelers – examining with precision, looking for flaws, and grading our friends and loved ones according to them.

Personally, I’m taking a pledge to tell my friends how many things they do right! How many things delight me? How many things make me laugh?  I want their sparkle to stay bright.

I want people around me who will, like the careful jeweler, help polish the facets I have, maybe celebrate my strengths with a gentle sudsy bath, or perhaps give me the occasional stringent dash of ammonia.

But I want to avoid a flood of chlorine or any harsh chemical, which diminishes my cut, my color, and my clarity.

And I’ll dream about chocolate diamonds and think of yellow ones on a sunny day. And marvel at those wordsmiths who, just by planting a thought here or there, can change the way we see things.

Let’s keep our relationships bright.

In 2009 I experienced a situation where I was hurt by someone I trusted.  I was shocked and instantly felt helpless, confused, afraid and hopeless.  I had a choice to make:  Was I going to choose to remain angry, bitter, or resentful or assume the posture of a victim?  Or, was, I going to choose to embrace the pain of betrayal; attempting to understand it and work through it to heal?

I would like to say I immediately took the high road, but I didn’t.  To cope and get through the initial shock, I repressed my pain.

Many times, people don’t know how to deal with the emotional pain of betrayal because our culture doesn’t encourage reflection and genuine expression of our feelings.  We become skillful at distracting ourselves by keeping busy with work in an attempt to shield ourselves from feeling the pain.  Or for some, they self-medicate to ease the anxiety, stress, and hurt.

In the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, we talk about the competency of “Navigating Emotions.”  When we use this competency, we harness the power of a feeling and use it to move forward.  The first step is to acknowledge, and then to accept that the feeling is real.  The problem is that feelings like betrayal are so painful it feels nearly impossible to even face the emotion.

Experiencing a major betrayal is like experiencing a death. We have feelings of loss. Our hearts ache, our capacity to trust may be bruised and our innocence is tainted.  When we’re betrayed by someone we love or respect, the pain can be incredibly intense – perhaps even more than physical pain.

But just as the pain of an injury makes us slow down and rest, emotional pain has value too.  Physical pain is a distress signal that some part of our body needs help. So, too, emotional pain is a distress signal that some aspect of our life needs help. Taking time to understand these emotions and consciously redirecting the thoughts, feelings, and actions can move us adeptly through the situation.

So the next time you feel brutally betrayed, remember you have a choice.  When you’re ready to move forward, tap into the energy and information of your emotions.  Allow the experience of betrayal to bring amazing insights about you and your relationships. Let it provide clarity as to who you are and what you want and need.

I just read a wonderful article by Geoffrey James that  reinforces that success is based on the quality of our relationships, the emotions we experience each day and what we focus on………http://www.inc.com/geoffrey-james/10-questions-that-create-success.html

Here is a summary of the 10 questions that the author recommends we ask ourselves at the end of each day to be more successful.

1. Have I made certain that those I love feel loved? 

2. Have I done something today that improved the world?

3. Have I conditioned my body to be more strong flexible and resilient?

4. Have I reviewed and honed my plans for the future?

5. Have I acted in private with the same integrity I exhibit in public?

6. Have I avoided unkind words and deeds?

7. Have I accomplished something worthwhile?

8. Have I helped someone less fortunate?

9. Have I collected some wonderful memories?

10. Have I felt grateful for the incredible gift of being alive?

These are wonderful EQ questions.  And now,  it’s time for me to take action.   I’ve just printed these questions and placed them  beside my desk where, for the next 4 weeks (and more if I can be that disciplined) I’ll read them before I start my work day and answer them at the end of the work day.  This is my plan for putting “EQ into Action” as I start 2012.

How about you?  Do you have any plans for how you will put “EQ into Action” in 2012?

It’s only much later in life that we may realize the profound lesson behind some of these events and the immense learning it can deliver to us on our difficult yet determined way to success.  Let me share a personal experience with you that follows these lines.

Many years ago, when I was a child, I experienced a strange relationship which I did not give much thought to, but now I see it for what it was and ever since I have realized the lesson it delivered, it has changed my life.  I was the eldest of two children in a small family in Mumbai INDIA, where the family consisted my parents and also my ailing grandmother – my father’s mother, his dad having passed on many years before. It also included an aging unmarried uncle, Dad’s eldest brother, who though a hardy veteran of life in all it’s forms, had experienced terrible setbacks and had retreated to the safety of the family, a shelter from an unfriendly and hostile world.

My mother, was the perfect backbone the family needed. Talented and skilled in art, she set aside her career to look after grandma, and this lasted a long and arduous fifteen years. She was the rock in the family, on which dad could build the home. She was full of life, always busy, always loving, caring to the core, and for us kids, a safe haven to run to in times of trouble. In her arms, and they were strong yet immensely comforting arms affording incredible security, we could find great sanctuary from any form of danger. Mother was invincible. She was later to hold the family together with my father through such terrifying times, that this invincibility was often battered, but never gave way.

Between our two parents we learned several life lessons, not the least being how to hold a family and faith together in violent turbulence. The smaller lessons are what this note is all about.

We schooled quite a distance from where we lived in Mumbai’s northern suburbs, about 15 km away, and with traffic and transport frequency being what it was around 35 years ago, mother took on the task of ferrying us back and forth, the school not having a regular bus service of it’s own. Poor experiences with a neighbouring school’s bus which left us stranded in a monsoon flood in waist deep water left her so furious, she decided that her responsibilities must include this very difficult ordeal.

To regulate life somewhat, mother chose a bus route that took us directly to school without any changeover midway. This meant being exactly in time for the bus and this being a ring route, we also caught the very same bus on the way back home. So we became familiar faces being regular passengers on a generous part of the route itself. Mother as usual would prompt us to greet the conductor as we boarded the bus and thank the driver as we disembarked. We would then wave to the bus driver and conductor as the bus eased away from the bus stop.

The bus conductor was almost priestly in his disposition and demeanour. Silver haired and dignified, he would return our greeting with his own blessing for the day or the rest of it, while the driver, a burly sunburned toughie with a walrus like moustache , would break into the most delightful smile as we thanked him in chorus and later waved him goodbye.

And so life went on, for a  couple of years, before I finally mustered the courage to assure mother that I could take care of my younger brother and steer ourselves and back form school safely, given the regimen we had established. Skeptical of success , but now terribly overburdened, mother made a few dry runs with us to check  our navigational and other competences. She also asked the bus conductor and driver duo to “keep an eye” on us. A request they quickly agreed to comply with. But could you really expect a busy public transport employee, harassed by his very work, barely managing to keep his own equilibrium on even keel, to keep this promise? Well, we were in for a surprise.

Like clockwork we managed to make the daily circuit without any incident worth mentioning or remembering. Life was settling down to an even regularity, as far as transport was concerned.  Till one day this took a big jolt.

The school principal decided to lecture the school, for ten long minutes on some moral values of life after the evening prayer at the end of day. This meant that our timetabled life was now going to be turned on it’s head – there was no way for us to reach our bus on time.  After the lecture, scrambling for freedom, all the kids exploded onto the road at the traffic junction just across the gate.  I didn’t know what to do — until I saw an amazing sight:

Amidst the melee stood a red bus, unmindful of the green signal to go, and the jarring honking of the traffic behind. Puzzled, I looked up, and saw the familiar great big burly face decorated with a walrus mustache, followed by half the burly body, leaning right through the driver’s window calling us to board. Grabbing my brother by the hand, I raced across and boarded from the front, to be greeted with a loud cheer from the passengers, and a huge grin from the driver and a visibly relieved conductor. Thanking him profusely, we spent the remaining journey being grateful for his rescue.

The memory soon passed in the flurry of days, until a few years ago when I read about Emotional Banking. This concept is so simple and so real. It simply states that just like a financial bank, we deposit and borrow from people we deal with everyday. The account we use if the one we open with each and everyone we meet and work with.

Simply put, we need to have a minimum deposit and keep filling in the account to make it work. It helps when we have to make withdrawals. The deposits are simple ones, like acknowledging the other, common courtesies, keeping the small promises we make, being sincere in helping, being sincere in owning up to mistakes made and apologizing with intent to repair the damage done and so on. The small stuff. But all this has to be made unconditionally without plans for withdrawals. No strings attached.

When withdrawals occur, like shortness of temper, demands on time and work priorities, abruptness with courtesies, anger mismanaged, and all the roughshod treatment we dish out liberally in a day, the unconditional deposits we have banked allow us to save the relationship from destruction.

So where does this leave my bus driver, all those many years ago? You got it, the emotional bank accounts we opened with them were liberally filled with the unconditional deposits of children not yet coached with the skills of opportunism of the world. Simple greetings from the heart of innocent children, filled the heart of these veteran workers of the daily grueling grind of life, to extend themselves to assume the role of parents, and reach out beyond call to fulfill this withdrawal they not just sanctioned but offered.

Keeping an eye on the clock, this grizzled bear of a driver, realized we would not make it on time, so he did the unthinkable, only a parent would do. Scanning the uniformed crowd of children, to search and find, two children from amongst hundreds, and get them on board, to keep a promise made so casually must have been the consequence of emotions being driven right to the bank!

Saudi Arabia’s first female team won the national competition in a pioneering program for young entrepreneurs.  Emotional intelligence training and coaching equipped the girls with a competitive edge as they prepared to represent their company and country in the regional Injaz Al Arab 2011 Finals.

EQ coach Solafa Batterjee with CATALYST student company team and Omar Mandorah , Operation Manager

At the beginning of 2011, the Company Program (CP) started with 24 male and female high schools participants. In CP, teams of students create companies with actual capital.  The program allows students to design business, production, financial and marketing plans and strategies. At the final step, students liquidate their companies, produce an annual report, and develop personal career goals. These companies compete on the national level; the winner of the national competition goes on to represent Saudi Arabia in the regional Injaz Al Arab annual competition.

In the Saudi context, there are relatively few role models of women entrepreneurs, and so generally young men enter this type of program. In Saudi there is growing recognition that females are an important part of a competitive business, and organizations like INJAZ are charged with supporting leadership for both genders. So it was a great accomplishment that after 12 weekly sessions of meetings, planning, coaching and hard work, the INJAZ- Saudi Arabia national competition, FIKRA 2011, announced the 1st ever female student company: Catalyst.

The CATALYST EQ contract that included the girls "personal logos"

Catalyst is a partnership of six girls from public high schools. While the “emotional intelligence” skills for leadership are important for all the young entrepreneurs, these girls were also stepping up as leaders in the cultural evolution of the Saudi business world. So, to prepare the young entrepreneurs for the cross-cultural environment and the emotional stress of competing and interacting with peers and professionals from all over the Arab world in the regional completion, Solafa Batterjee was recruited to be the team’s emotional intelligence trainer and coach. The combination of their business accumen and emotional intelligence proved a powerful combination:

Catalyst won the national competition and was qualified to represent Saudi Arabia in the regional Injaz Al Arab Young Arab Entrepreneurs Competition finals in Amman, Jordan.

The Emotional Intelligence (EQ) coaching sessions, based on the Six Seconds Model, were used to guide the girls throughout this challenging and fulfilling life experience. Six Seconds Certified Practitioner Solafa Batterjee facilitated learning on a number Six Seconds’ emotional intelligence competencies such as Navigating Emotions, Exercising Optimism, Engaging Intrinsic Motivation, and Pursuing Noble Goals. The trainees created their personal logos as part of “Know Yourself” portion of the program. The logos became the basis for an EQ team contract that joined their personal aims and objectives into a company business goal to guide them to win the Arab regional competition.

The training also introduced the team to a central EQ concept:

Emotions drive people and people drive performance.

Throughout the training program, the young businesswomen were taken on a visualized trip of the upcoming journey. Expected emotions were discussed openly among them, to make them aware of their behavior patterns that might jeopardize their effort at anytime because of emotional stress.  Instead of experiencing feelings as an obstacle, they learned to use emotions as a source of energy and insight — part of the power of real leadership.

The aim of the EQ training/coaching program was to develop self-confidence, intrinsic motivation, setting priorities, developing wise decision making and self-management, and to emphasize the effect of body language on internal and external judgment.

Developing emotional intelligence skills awareness as a key factor for present and future success was also a primary goal of the entrepreneurship program.

The CATALYST team recognized

The regional Injaz Al Arab 2011 finals was a fascinating rich experience. Young entrepreneurs from all around the Arab World faced personal and team challenges. The incredible energy of these dynamic young people is an indication of a promising future. It was a miniature real world experience of what the future generation will face when they step up as leaders in this thriving business community.

Catalyst, the Saudi student company, was able to prove itself. The six girls won the Judges Award for establishing a business that reflected the most improvement and growth.

Hadeer Sadaga, the winning CEO of INJAZ-Saudi Arabia (Fikra 2011), commented on the occasion and said: “The Injaz program has opened the doors for business and entrepreneurship. Being part of FIKRA 2011 has qualified me to work with all kinds of people. Dealing with the hardships and complications that would most likely happen in a running company, which I believe can only make you stronger and faithful. I now know how to use my time for something valuable that made me even more responsible than I already was. It has given me the chance to be more sociable, confident and an accomplished Saudi young female. It has also given me a chance to learn the true meaning of leadership. Injaz has made me self-determined!

Ten years from now, I will be striving to hold on to my honesty, loyalty and integrity. Throughout the upcoming years I hope and will endeavor to be a respectable woman, daughter, mother, friend and cardiologist. I want to be an educated woman, a role model to those who come in need, an inspiring motivator to those who have lost hope and a treatment to those who need repairing. In order to become all of these things I ought to be a true believer, deep in my heart aiming for righteousness and a steward of Allah Almighty’s dominion.”

Shahad Alsolaimani Catalyst CEO echoed the power of the process: “The whole INJAZ experience taught me how to share and convince others of my opinion, and how to communicate effectively, listen, and use my body language in a natural way. I made sure that I was always smiling and turned those furious emotions into a positive energy that showed how proud and strong I was. Meeting peers from different countries and backgrounds opened my eyes to how the world works. The prior training and coaching sessions unleashed the leader in me and made me more creative and professional. I am now more able to plan on a daily bases and for my future”.

Nael S. Fayez, the CEO of INJAZ-Saudi Arabia recognized the power of emotional intelligence for the Catalyst group: “Having worked with those young ladies right from the beginning at their local public high schools and worked with them 12 weeks in a multi-dimensional training that focused on building their business capabilities and life skills, the effect of Six Seconds and EQ training on those young ladies was evident. Without a doubt, it contributed to their self-confidences, interpersonal communications and presentation skills. Definitely I would think that future students must benefit from this robust training and preferably with the magnificent Solafa herself.”

As a result of that national success, further future cooperation between INJAZ Saudi and Solafa Batterjee of Six Seconds is being planned to facilitate such EQ training to national winners.

For more information about INJAZ-Saudi Arabia, refer to http://www.injaz-saudi.org

Solafa Batterjee is a Saudi change agent and member of the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Network. She believes in the power of education as a key factor to develop nations and create change. For more information http://www.6seconds.org/profile/sbatterjee  or her personal blog http://solafabatterjee.blogspot.com/

Six Seconds is a global organization supporting people to create positive change and increase people-performance. Founded as not-for-profit corporation in the US in 1997, the organization is now led by offices in 11 countries. Six Seconds’ change agents work to improve leadership, collaboration, and effectiveness in every sector. The organization gives a limited number of grants to educational and community programs to provide powerful emotional intelligence assessment and development tools to support positive change. Visit www.6seconds.org for more.

If we don’t shift gears, we are choosing global devastation — socially, environmentally, economically — and while millions of people are working to make things better, humanity is still finding it incredibly difficult to change the game to a sustainable, prosperous, and joyful future.  At Six Seconds we’ve found incredibly powerful methods of catalyzing positive change, and teaching people to lead transformation, each of us starting with ourselves.  By leveraging current neuroscience, we teach the learnable, measurable skills of emotional intelligence:  Will you join us?

My daughter recently shared a powerful video about leading action.  Simon Sinek says it’s about starting with the why  - then the how and what, as I did in the description above (see more about this in the video below).  It resonated with me because at Six Seconds, we measure and teach the skills of emotional intelligence so people can lead positive change.  We articulate these skills in What, How, and Why:

Substantiating these three “pursuits” we offer eight learnable, measurable competencies that enable people to put emotional intelligence into action.  These pursuits and skills drive some 60% in the variation of performance, they’re cross culturally valid, and they can be developed and utilized.  With dozens of published assessments, books, training tools, and development programs, we equip people to learn and use these competencies.  In our training and coaching, we use these three pursuits as a process framework to enable people to move from their current situation toward their most important goals — at work, school, home, and in the community.  Because the current status quo is not working — and the most powerful lever for transformation is tapping the power of emotions.

In my experience, some people are more convinced by the “what and how” – having rigorous data and powerful methodologies.  And, I completely agree with Sinek that the WHY is often missing, and the piece that actually drives the emotion, which drives response.  The Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence is unique in that we’ve identified a competency called “Pursue Noble Goals” as part of emotional intelligence.  When we are totally clear about our purpose, and we put that in action, we’re able to transform our own and others’ emotions in a profound way.

I’ve found that fear of not being accepted causes me to emphasize the “practical” and “businesslike” aspects of my work.  So, if I take Simon’s advice and put the WHY first, it will compel me to put it out there — to stand up and stand out for this message.  Since I see that this is one of the most important commitments I can make, I’ll say again:

If we don’t shift gears, we are choosing global devastation — socially, environmentally, economically — and while millions of people are working to make things better, humanity is still finding it incredibly difficult to change the game to a sustainable, prosperous, and joyful future.  At Six Seconds we’ve found incredibly powerful methods of catalyzing positive change, and teaching people to lead transformation, each of us starting with ourselves.  By leveraging current neuroscience, we teach the learnable, measurable skills of emotional intelligence:  Will you join us?

Will you?

Here is Simon’s video to help you communicate your choice:

What do mirror neurons teach about us about our empathy? This week, leading neuroscientist Marco Iacoboni visited with Six Seconds’ Master Class in Pajaro Dunes, California, for an oceanside chat on mirror neurons and their relationship to empathy and learning.  A few of us collected some of the takeaways:

What are Mirror Neurons?

Mirror neurons are “smart cells” in our brains that allow us to understand others’ actions, intentions, and feelings. The mirror neurons are in many areas of our brains, and they fire when we perform an action such as grasping an apple, and similarly we see others doing it.  As it turns out, our mirror neurons fire when we experience an emotion and similarly when we see others experiencing an emotion, such as happiness, fear, anger, or sadness. When we see someone being sad, for example, our mirror neurons fire and that allows us to experience the same sadness and to feel empathy.  We don’t need to “think” about the other person being sad, we actually experience it firsthand.  The reaction of mirror neurons allows us to socialize and communicate with others as we read their facial expressions. There is also an important ability to dampen this reaction, and there are several centers in our brains that act as “brakes” to keep us from becoming too caught up in others’ experiences. This process can have profound implications for our relationships.

Interestingly, human mirror neuron networks are stimulated in response to actions which are apparently meaningless, indicating a tendency to spontaneously model any and all movements by others (Giacomo Rizzolatti, Fogassi, & Gallese, 2001).

The Chameleon Effect

Professor Iacoboni explained that mirror neurons are the reason for the “chameleon effect” which is the brain-to-brain imitation of postures, mannerisms, and facial expressions.  It’s what causes adults to smile when they see a baby smiling.  He also said that people who are more empathetic exhibit the chameleon effect to a greater extent that other people do.  This is an automatic “matching” that causes humans to connect – even if they’re not aware of the connection.

Broken Mirror Neurons

Professor Iacoboni mentioned that children on the Autism Spectrum may struggle with social interaction because their mirror neuron systems are not functioning properly.  The discovery of mirror neuron deficiencies in people with autism opens up new approaches to diagnosing and treating the disorder.

Modeling

Inspired by Professor Iacoboni’s keynote presentation, we discussed the link between role modeling and the neuroscience of mirror neurons.  Modeling occurs because we can consciously and unconsciously observe someone and learn from them.  We can intentionally improve our abilities by paying attention to someone who is skilled in a particular area.  Iacoboni said that one of the first elements of learning is observing others, and we automatically begin to learn through this process.  We can intensify the learning by focusing on the role model and imagining ourselves doing what they do.  This is why we are committed to modeling excellence in emotional intelligence!  So if we are not achieving our desired results, we should “hang out” with people who are strong in these skills.

This seems to be true for emotions as well.  Through mirror neurons, emotions are contagious — so if we want to be more joyful (for example), a powerful action is to spend time with people who are full of joy.

Leadership

The power of mirror neurons is another compelling reason that leaders need to take responsibility for their own actions and choices.  People are literally mirroring the leader’s actions — and the leader’s emotions. Simply showing up with more ideal behavior and an intentional emotional state is an important part of imparting these qualities to others.   Since mirror neurons are “always on” leaders have a huge responsibility to monitor and manage themselves as role models.

Empathy

Iacoboni repeatedly reminded us that we are, literally, wired to connect.  Humans are social, and empathy is a fundamental component of the human condition.  In the new Afterword to his fascinating book, Mirroring People, Professor Iacoboni points to the importance of this groundbreaking research.  Mirror neurons “help us to be empathic and fundamentally attuned to other people.  This is perhaps the most important finding of all, and it is a beautiful one.”

To hear more about these concepts, listen to this dialogue between  Professor Iacoboni and the Dalai Lama during  “Happiness and its Causes” conference.

She’d recently taken a bad fall and only went to the doctor because my dad and I urged her to make an appointment to check for a cracked rib.

Twenty four hours later my world was topsy-turvy. Mom wasn’t sick.

She was pregnant.

Thousands of thoughts steamed through my head. I would lose my parents’ focus and attention. I would lose their love. I would be displaced by a cherubic angel.

What if it was a boy? Father always wanted sons. Dad had never said so but I had heard other fathers talking about the joys of having sons follow in their footsteps.

What would I do? How could I survive? How could I maintain my position?

My mother wasn’t a psychologist. But she was, and is, a wise woman. One night, long before Baby X’s presence was obvious, she and I went to our favorite hamburger hangout, one where parents were welcomed. We ordered cheeseburgers followed by banana splits with all those gooey strawberry, pineapple, and chocolate toppings.

During dinner, we had chatted about my favorite teacher who taught history and civics, a social function for the cheerleading squad of which I was a member and an upcoming piano recital that I was trying to escape.

As we were polishing off the final bites of dessert, mom said to me, “Anabel, I want to talk about something pretty heavy duty.” “Oh, no,” I thought, “I don’t think I can deal with platitudes of how much we will still love you. Of course, this baby won’t take your place, blah, blah, blah…’

I was still pretty resentful, and although I hadn’t said anything out loud, I’m sure my attitude and body language were clear.

But these were not the words that flowed out from my mother at all.

Instead she said, “You know I’m pretty scared, Anabel.”

I remembered being surprised by this comment. She may have noticed my reaction because she said, “I’m not a spring chicken anymore. I’ll be thirty-seven on my birthday.” She smiled a little and said, “It’s harder for ‘old hens’ to give birth you know. And your birth was long and complicated. I was in labor for three days. I was convinced I would be torn in two, before you finally arrived safely.“

I remembered thinking what kind of a conversation is this? It certainly wasn’t transpiring along any normal recognizable lines from my point of view.

“Anabel, your father and I have a favor to ask.“

Now I was really confused. A favor? What kind of a favor? What was she talking about?

At my perplexed look, she stated, “Here’s our request. If something should happen to me during this pregnancy or during the delivery and the baby lives and I die – “

“Oh, mom, don’t say that – don’t think it – don’t even whisper it.”

Let me finish,” she insisted. “And if I die, I want you to promise me you’ll raise this baby – boy or girl.”

I was in shock. She wanted me to raise the baby?. My gosh, surely there were more qualified individuals than I. She trusted me with this unknown quantity of humanity. I was overwhelmed.

I was also immensely flattered. This could be a future president, this baby. This could be a space traveler. This could be a …

And suddenly I was at peace with my parents and myself.

This request provided perspective for me in several new ways. My mother had created an opportunity for me to glimpse some of her angst about this unexpected truth, some of the tragedy that might occur if this baby had no mother and a glimpse of the ‘hope’ that all new life generates.

This enlarged perspective made me realize that the new baby was not a rival to love, but an ally for building stronger bonds of affection for us all.

This new addition was not going to violate my expectations of being significant in my parent’s life. Instead a whole new importance was going to be developed – one in which my opinion would be solicited.

My jealousy evaporated.

In the years since I have learned that not much good comes from jealousy. In fact, jealousy is probably the harbinger of self-hatred.

When I looked up jealousy in the dictionary, I thought it was fascinating that many of the synonyms were tied to what I would define as by-products of jealousy: resentment, bitterness, and spite.

Certainly, I do not want to fill my life with these wasteful emotions.

Jealousy is essentially about vulnerability. Our self-esteem is in danger. We are anxious and worried because we may lose something of crucial importance.

For me, the potential loss was parental love. As a teenager, I did not recognize either the breath or depth of the loving bonds in my family.

Maintaining self-esteem and avoiding jealousy comes by proving the suspicion groundless or by growing the sense of self so that the threatened need is no longer important.

In this instance, my mother provided the proof that parental love would not be lost.

What I did not know then, but do now is that it is not how much you are loved, but how much you love yourself that is the key to preventing jealousy.

Jealousy is needless, totally unnecessary, if we are confident and secure about who we are.

Now looking back many years later, I wonder why those first feelings of jealousy were ever born.

Tami, of course, came into a world that was always composed of two mothers. Later, after we married and had kids, we learned to be sisters.

What a wonderful love exists between the two of us. I cannot imagine her not being emotionally present for me.

Perhaps George Eliot’s words on friends best describes my present relationship with my sister:

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure word, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”

Sibling rivalry simply doesn’t exist between us. We are secure and supportive and safe in each other’s hearts.

Jealous, we certainly are not.

Recently my family and I I had the pleasure of sitting zazen with an amazing monk.  He’s the fifth generation of monks in this 600-year-old temple, Shunkoin, in Myoshinji (in Kyoto), and his son will be born soon.  Sitting on the tatami mats glowing in the morning sun, looking at the simple geometry of hand-cut wood framing the walls, watching the incense smoke curling around my 10-year-old son (in his bright orange signature colors), I was touched by the confluence of all these rivers coming together in that one moment.  Kawakami-san, “our” monk, reminded us that every moment, the moment is passing.  And as the moments pass, often we end up with fewer and fewer choices.  Life is not a static experience, but one of continuous flow.

This morning, we buried Max’s favorite chicken, Puff.  I tied a few of Puff’s orange-gold feathers with a white ribbon, and gave them to Max.  As the kids filled in the grave, Patty sang “The Red River Valley,” the song we sang to say goodbye to my dad, and I was overflowing with this strange mix of feelings.  Sorrow and loss, but also joy and appreciation.  A stunning day in this glorious place we live — beautiful golden feathers in my lovely boy’s hands, a boy gentle and caring enough to be completely in love with a soft fluffy bird.  This part of my family together, but many of us spread far and wide, including beyond this life.  So many paradoxes, so many threads together.

I thought of Kawakami’s council, that just because life is constantly passing and flowing, we don’t have to lose the choices if we stay more aware, more awake, in the passing moments.  My experience today was that letting myself feel the beautiful mix of emotions awakens something in me, not fighting against myself, not trying to hold still in the flowing current — but feeling it for what it is, opening to it, and learning from it.

So, a New Year’s wish for you, and me, is that we feel more moments.

May your 2012 be abundant, verdant, and exuberant.
- Josh