Rick and I are selling our home. Several weeks ago, we readied ourselves to interview several realtors. Still, we knew our tendency—to go with the first person we met. That was Bob. Nice guy. After hellos, we sat at our dining table and Bob took us through his glossy brochure. He described his brokerage, his sales strategies, and selling philosophy. Then we paged through the contracts. After an hour, we were ready for a walk-thru. As we pointed out improvements and made excuses for eccentricities, Bob said little. We moved quickly from room to room, shook hands, and Bob left.
“So, he seems ok, right?” Rick knew our busy schedules and how much we both hated this interviewing process.
I wanted to go with Bob so we could be done with interviews, but his silence felt like disinterest, or worse. How could he sell our home if he was apathetic (or appalled)?
I arranged another interview. Denise came over the next evening, while Rick was at a Cubs game.
She shook my hand and launched into the living room. Denise had worked designing new homes. I feared she would detest my unconventional art and my “unusual” design choices. But Denise wasn’t a snob. She immediately began talking about what she saw-the furniture, the colors, the architecture. She “got” my style and offered helpful suggestions to make our home more “mainstream.” We spent two hours, going from room to room.
It was now 9 pm. Denise was in heels, but she impulsively began moving my furniture. I grabbed the other end of a couch so it wouldn’t drag on the oak floors.
“Do you always do this on your first visit?” I teased.
“Only with clients who will let me.”
Denise and I had never sat down. She had never formally pitched herself or her company, but here she was, at the end of a long day, moving furniture throughout my home. Her passion for real estate was palpable.
Rick came home from the game to a newly staged living room.
While Bob seemed competent, ethical and kind, Denise’s incredible zeal closed the deal. From the minute she entered the room, it was clear we would employ her talents and enthusiasm. In all lines of work, there is no substitute for passion.
What are you passionate about? Is there a way to bring your passions to your work?
Yesterday I came across a common situation at work and was frustrated mostly by how simple it seemed to make a change. A colleague finds himself feeling stuck, caught in a position between a demanding and sometimes irrational boss and a team that is dissatisfied and distrustful. The team has had many changes ‘thrust’ upon them over the last few months, many of which they did not anticipate. They are working hard but feel that at any moment expectations will change and all the hard work they have put in towards their current goal will be undervalued at best, thrown out completely at worst. To them, the decisions coming from upper management seem random, haphazard and unpredictable. It’s easy to imagine how a team in this situation could quickly feel marginalized and undervalued. One of their biggest complaints is that this manager, while sympathetic to their plight, also has to please the boss and sometimes seems as much an enemy as a friend.
This, to me, represents an enormous opportunity for change! So often in the work environment but also elsewhere in our lives, we ‘play the game’ or do what we feel is expected of us because we don’t think we can do it differently. We continue, stuck in a rut (or on an EQ escalator.) The only part of this equation that the manager has absolute control over is his role; his thoughts, his feelings and ultimately, his actions. By recognizing this and acting on it, he will effect change not just for himself but for everyone involved. There are many options here for him here: Have a conversation with his boss about how his team really feels. Have a conversation with his team about how he, as their manager, really feels. It seems that it is not that having these conversations is hard, it is realizing that we CAN have these conversations that is hard.
What stops him from doing this? Fear of an unknown outcome? Perhaps, but when it’s clear that the situation as it is now is stagnant, there is little to lose and much to gain. When others are touched by the honesty of our feelings and emotions, they often respond by being honest with their emotions as well. Couldn’t this change everything in the workplace? EQ skills, not just IQ.Emotions are contagious, change might be too?
When I moved from working in the theatre to working in an office, I was astounded by the difference in attitudes and norms. My new organization and the workplaces of my clients seemed filled with unhappiness and dysfunction. Could I use my theatre training to help transform the malaise I saw everywhere?
While my clients constantly sought to improve their competitive advantage, I was amazed to see that they often ignored the most glaring personnel challenges. Companies were spending thousands of dollars streamlining their processes through Six Sigma or Lean programs. They analyzed their shop floor data and hunted for the slightest area to refine. But the most vital data—the continuous signals coming from their staff—was often ignored.
At her desk, Jayne scowls. Her co-workers may gossip, “That’s just Jayne.” But why is she scowling? What message is Jayne sending (or trying to hide)?
In the theatre, we paid close attention to all types of communication. We recognized that each verbal or nonverbal expression was filled with important information. Our work centered on sending clear messages and decoding nonverbal signals. Why were companies ignoring these crucial skills?
At work, we disregard the scowl. We say, “It’s none of our business.” We don’t want to insult Jayne. Maybe she’s just having a bad day. Anyway, what could we say?
When we ignore nonverbals, we miss clues that reveal levels of engagement in a project or team. We miss feedback about effective or ineffective procedures. We miss developing our teams and building trust or even community.
If Ann’s anger at Marge is never resolved (or even acknowledged), it doesn’t disappear. Our emotional upsets will emerge later in team meetings, office gossip, or mysterious difficulties that spontaneously erupt. Mislaid papers, misunderstandings that lead to team confusion, and even (seemingly) outside obstacles can result from communication failures from unresolved emotions.
Why don’t we acknowledge the large emotional elephant in the cubicle? Because we don’t know what to say or do. Too many of us are afraid of emotions and convinced that there is no way to communicate safely and effectively when emotions are acknowledged.
But there are proven best practices to ensure safe, effective communication, even when emotions are powerfully in play. These techniques include “I statements,” active listening, and understanding the difference between assertive vs. aggressive dialogue.
Armed with these methods, we can courageously observe and acknowledge any anger or unhappiness in our coworkers or ourselves. Observing our emotions is the first critical step. Once acknowledged, we can decipher the message of our feelings. We can then begin to compassionately admit the emotional undercurrent (subtext) of our daily interactions. We can use this ready source of feedback to make our workplaces happier and healthier.
I had a strange dream this morning. I was helping a new employee who had just been hired in our department. We worked comfortably together but then, at the end of the workday (as can happen in dreams), I suddenly realized that this new worker was actually a former colleague. How did I not recognize her?
In the past my former co-worker, “Cathy,” had caused great disruption and chaos in our department. She had felt like an adversary to many of us. But since I had no recollection of this in my dream, we began our “first” day at work together with ease and collegiality. My dream-state-temporary-amnesia allowed me to treat Cathy with warmth. If I had recognized her, our interaction would have been much different.
How many conflicts could be averted if we had selective amnesia with our rivals or foes? Our conversations would then be free of the tiny microexpressions and unconscious vocal tones that send out defensive messages (despite our best intentions). The problem is, our brain scrutinizes our environment for threats and then sears these threat-memories deep into our mind– for our protection. Our brain doesn’t want us to have amnesia precisely because we would then be more vulnerable to dangers around us.
Emotional Intelligence theories and techniques help us understand our brain’s design. We can then, depending on our circumstances, work to utilize or circumvent our evolutionary programming.
While we can never have complete amnesia about past events, we can at least be conscious of our feelings. These can give us a clue to the unconscious signals we are probably sending. That is why self-fulfilling prophecies work. If I come into a conversation anticipating the worst–my expectations are likely to be fulfilled because of the signals I’ve sent.
Even if we can’t control our unconscious nonverbal behaviors, we can try to compensate for them. If I were to meet with Cathy today, I could emphasize listening, eye contact, smiles, and a gentle tone of voice to counteract other signals I may inadvertently send. Then we might have the same easy relating that we had in my dream.
Destructive patterns of interacting are very hard to change since both parties become stuck sending aggressive or defensive signals. Still, knowing our feelings can help us break these patterns and create new exchanges with our coworkers.
I’m always amazed to hear the stories of how people subtly fight at work.Through procrastination, gossip, stonewalling, and other passive-aggressive methods, co-workers can find clever ways to obstruct progress while appearing helpful.
So much conflict can be hidden under the surface of our actions and conversations.In the theatre, this is called “subtext.”
Here are some examples of ways employees fight while smiling.Names have been changed but the scenarios are true.
1.Creating obstacles.“Tracy” is a talented office manager, but if she feels slighted, her ability to solve problems comes to a screeching halt.Suddenly, numerous intractable obstacles appear.If one is solved, another emerges.Some coworkers have called Tracy, “controlling” and they complain of her micromanaging. Others have learned to keep Tracy “in the loop” and report no problems.They have realized Tracy’s need to feel needed.While some coworkers are stuck in constant battles with Tracy’s procedures, others have found a coworker with incredible talents and a powerful work ethic.
2. Stonewalling.“Joan” feels insecure in her new supervisory position.Because of this, she confesses (to her closest friends) ongoing suspicions of her colleagues’ motives.Because Joan is convinced that most of her staff are against her, she rarely listens to their concerns.Instead, convinced that they want her to fail, she schemes to achieve her goals without her staff’s input.Tracy (see above) works for Joan.Can you imagine their battles?While friends sometimes challenge Joan to question her beliefs, their words make little impact. Joan’s fear overrides every other message.
3.Gossip.“Carla,” also works for Joan, and like Tracy, values being included in decision-making.Carla detests Joan’s autocratic style and has grown to want her boss to fail (those fulfilling Joan’s greatest nightmare).Carla gossips about Joan and has predisposed many in the organization to dislike the new supervisor.
Joan, Tracy, and Carla also have different working styles.Carla and Tracy like order, predictability, and security.Joan likes spontaneity, risk, and quick decisions.As the supervisor, Joan hasn’t taken the time to understand her staff’s need for structure.Joan is certain of her staff’s defiance, but she is unaware of how she has helped create it. Because Joan assumes the worst from Carla and Tracy, she has never tried to discover what these women need to function at their best.Instead, Joan relies on brute authority and her staff finds ways to thwart her goals.
Jay Grant, network member and wellness coach, is a regular guest on Sacramento & Company. Here is a clip about working from home and finding a work-life balance while working at home — including several practical tips!
Once you’ve identified the value of trust, assessed that you need to increase it, and focused on earning trust with the Four Cs – how do you go futher? (Originally from our VitalSigns newsletter.)
EQ VitalSigns: Requesting Trust
Recap of last two issues on Trust:
One of the most important VitalSigns of a healthy climate is TRUST. When your people trust you, they dig deeper, listen better, and forgive more readily. When trust is low, there is more resistance, more fear, and communication doesn’t work as well (because people don’t believe each other). So the first newsletter in this series discussed paying attention to and assessing trust as a two-way street, and using your feelings of distrust as a “barometer” to measure how others trust you. Then I went over the Trust Cs and how to make them more visible.
In this final VitalSign in this trust series, you’ll learn a challenging process called the Trust Alliance.
Your Trust Alliance conversation might go something like this:1. Agree to talk about improving trust.
You: “Carol, I had a realization about our relationship, and I want your help. I realized that the trust between us is not as strong as I’d like it to be, and I’d like to take responsibility for improving that. Would you be willing to discuss this with me?”
Carol: “Well you know I do trust you… our relationship is great!”
You: “Carol, it is great or I wouldn’t be asking you this! And it could be greater — would you be willing to try an experiment with me to see if we can increase our trust?”
Carol: “Sure, of course.”
2. Identify how trust has been reduced.
You: “Ok — here’s the process. I’d like us each to say one time when we felt trust diminish a little with the other person. Then we’ll decide on an action to turn that around.
Before this technique will work, it helps to recognize that your feeling of broken trust is tied to fear. Fear is a helpful, insightful emotion that says, “Hey, I’m concerned! This could be dangerous.” The sense of danger could come because one of the “Trust C’s” (Caring, Commitment, Consistency, and Competence) are at risk:
Commitment – You’re afraid they won’t follow-through.
Caring – You’re afraid they don’t really care.
Consistency – You’re afraid they’ll “explode” at someone.
Competence – You’re afraid they’re not skilled enough to succeed.
Prepare to practice this technique by selecting a person with whom you have a small breach of trust — someone you value and who values you, someone with whom you can practice having a challenging conversation. Don’t start with someone you don’t trust — start with someone where you have trust and you’d like to “take it up a notch.”
The Trust Alliance is a conversation where you agree to support one another to increase mutual trust. The conversation has a few steps:
Agree to talk about improving trust.
Each person identify one way trust has been reduced (one thing the other person did or didn’t do).
Each person identify one action to take to remedy the issue / increase trust.
Agree to take the action, and support each other by identifying when it is done (or not).
Appreciate the importance of this relationship.
On the sidebar, you can see an example of how someone might follow the steps. By practicing the process you’ll learn a lot about trust and building trust. You might then use a similar process with other employees and colleagues.
Trust Alliance a process we use in training once we’ve got a group seriously committed to increasing the quality of their team. It was adapted from work by wonderful educator in Mexico named Angelica Olvera.
As you’ll experience if you’ve tried the exercises in this series on trust, developing trust is both highly challenging and incredibly rewarding. Just focusing on this topic and remembering it’s an essential part of your leadership responsibility can change the way you relate to team members.
Often “trust building exercises” are done away from work (in a classroom or on a ropes course). Instead, I suggest you’ll get a far greater benefit by taking that eight hours and spreading it out to a few minutes a week in the midst of your day-to-day work. Continuously work to assess, earn, and request trust — and let me know the results after 90 days!
Originally from our VitalSigns newsletter, this article identifies the “Four Cs of Trust” and introduces an approach to earn trust.
EQ VitalSigns: Earning Trust
“The chief lesson I have learned in a long life is that the only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your distrust.
- Henry L. Stimson
Recap of last issue on Trust:
One of the most important VitalSigns of a healthy climate is TRUST. When your people trust you, they dig deeper, listen better, and forgive more readily. When trust is low, there is more resistance, more fear, and communication doesn’t work as well (because people don’t believe each other).
In the last issue we talked about paying attention to trust as a two-way street, and using your feelings of distrust as a “barometer” to measure how others trust you. If you practiced the “trust test” you probably found some people and situations where your trust level is not high. Do you believe those people have less trust in you too?
In the next issue we’ll talk about discussing the trust issues — but first invest a little time in practicing the Trust Cs.
Earning Trust:
Trust is built from the Trust Cs:
Commitment = Following through consistently
Caring = Showing the other person matters
Consistency = Reacting in a somewhat predictable way
Competence = Demonstrating ability to meet commitment
You are probably reasonably competent, caring, and committed. And, if you are bluntly honest with yourself, you can probably see that there is more you can do to actively show one or more of these Trust Cs. So try this:
Think of a situation where trust is diminished but not totally broken — and where you want to improve. Take a moment to review the last few interactions you’ve had with this person.
Now, think about the interactions from the other person’s point of view — do they SEE and FEEL your Trust Cs?
Over the next weeks, practice making your Trust Cs more visible:
Commitment = This C usually is broken because of very small compromises. You promise to call someone tomorrow, but it takes three days. You agree to fight for new desk chairs, but the opportunity doesn’t seem to come up. People who have trouble with this C may feel like their in crisis a lot so they’re reacting instead of leading. Practice making very small commitments (such as, “I’ll email you today”) and doing it.
Caring = It’s easy to let caring slip amidst the daily demands of work — your work is important but it feels mundane. People perceive this and make assumptions about your trustworthiness. You can show more caring by giving appreciations to people and activities. “I appreciate that you’re working so hard.” “I appreciate that we’re doing this work together.”
Consistency = People can trust a grouchy tyrant who is, at least, consistent. While everybody can have better and worse days, they get “thrown” if you’re sometimes an angel and sometimes a monster. Maintaining your own balance is challenging, and self-care is a critical component. If you do “fly off” sometimes, circle back and take ownership of the inconsistency.
Competence = People may question your competence if they don’t get to see you in action. Don’t just walk the floor, work the floor! Let your staff see you skillfully doing great work.
Next time we’ll go through a wonderful and challenging technique called “Trust Alliance.”
Originally from our VitalSigns newsletter, this article reviews the importance of trust and provides a process for checking your level of trust.
EQ VitalSigns: Assessing Trust
Trust people and they will be true to you; treat them greatly, and they will show themselves great. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
One of the most important VitalSigns of a healthy climate is TRUST. When your people trust you, they dig deeper, listen better, and forgive more readily. When trust is low, there is more resistance, more fear, and communication doesn’t work as well (because people don’t believe each other, focus on CYA, and defend). One of the key elements of the Organizational Vital Signs (OVS) assessment, trust is the key to an engaged team.
Want more trust? The first step is to assess it, the second is to earn it, and the third is to request it. This issue of EQ VitalSigns focuses on step one: Assessing Trust.
Testing for Trust:
Trust is feeling and a belief, and it is reciprocal. If don’t trust you, I can pretty well guarantee you don’t trust me. Think of one of your direct reports, someone who does a good job, but who doesn’t fully “buy in” to your leadership and direction — doesn’t fully trust you. Now, honestly ask yourself: how fully do you trust her or him?
If you feel distrust, that’s a great signal to you — a warning — that the two-way trust connection is fragile or broken. Use your feeling of trust as a barometer to assess the quality of trust in your team.
Sometimes people are not sure if they trust or not. This simple process will let you check your trust level.
Imagine asking someone to do a task that is possible, challenging, and important — she says, “that’s a stretch, but I’ll do it.” Now, take a quick check:
Body Scan — do you feel any new pain or tension in your stomach, neck, back? If so, you may not trust
Quick Think – Right this second, what’s your first reaction? If you have questions or doubts, you might not trust.
Heart Check — How do you feel? If scared, frustrated, sad, or anxious, you might not trust.
In the next issue, we’ll go onto increasing trust, first by practicing the Four Cs, then by having a challenging and wonderful conversation. In the meantime, increase your insight into your relationships by practicing the Body Scan, Quick Think, and Heart Check techniques. Tune into your own feelings of trust and distrust as a foundation for improving it.
Committed to continuously improving safety, a leading chemical manufacturer launched a new safety program. Where most efforts to improve industrial safety rely on procedures and regulation to drive change, this initiative was developed using the research and principles of Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Instead of more legislation, this program set out to inspire people to act – using emotions as the flames of inspiration.
Taking Industrial Safety to the Next Level
“I don’t sleep well at night. We have great statistics and a proven track record of safety but it isn’t enough to give me peace. I want to take it to the next level. I don’t know exactly what that is or what it looks like; I just know that I never want a serious injury to happen on my watch. I want to do everything possible to prevent that from ever happening.”
- Russell Mait, Director, EHSQ for Evonik Goldschmidt
Anyone who doesn’t recognize the value of a good supervisor has not worked in a manufacturing industry like Evonik Goldschmidt (EG). Today’s industrial and manufacturing supervisors are the key links to achieving desired safety and productivity goals required for success.
Unfortunately, the importance of providing training in safety leadership is often over-looked, resulting in supervisors who lack the needed skills to promote behaviors, and an environment, where injuries are less likely.
While attending a leadership training seminar for managers, Russell Mait, Director, EHSQ for Evonik Goldschmidt, recognized that without committed, well trained supervisors, his vision of sustainable zero injuries would not be achievable. He recognized a strong connection between the skills of “Leading with Emotional Intelligence” and the skills supervisors need to model to take safety to the next level. With his vision in mind, Mait challenged Tom Wojick, an adjunct faculty member with the University of Richmond and a senior consultant certified in EQ, to design a training program for EG that would help supervisors inspire the attitudes and behaviors that would raise the level of safety company-wide.
The first step was to develop a curriculum that would reflect the safety culture of Evonik Goldschmidt and build on the strengths of existing programs’ initiatives. A focus group of employees from all the EG locations was assembled to discuss the EG safety culture and to develop a program that would target the skills that supervisors need to be effective safety leaders. Focus group participants were asked to respond to the question “What do I want from our safety program?” from the perspectives of their team members and colleagues company-wide as well as their own. All the members agreed that without safety as a core organizational value, no company can be successful in the long term.
The focus group recommended a Safety Leadership Training program based on the 4 C’s of effective leadership: Commitment, Competence, Consistency and Caring (based on the 4 Cs of Trust).
Commitment: each supervisor creates a safety vision for their area of responsibility and commits to a set of core values that will guide them towards their vision. A feature of this module is that each supervisor utilizes a personal story of why safety is important. This story is used to personalize the motivation for the program and to connect emotions and behavior.
Competence: supervisors learn skills to improve their communication and listening skills. It is critical to build a team atmosphere in which safety can be discussed and supervisors will listen to their employee’s advice and concerns.
Consistency: commitment, values, communicating and listening are only effective if supervisors are consistent and congruent in modeling these behaviors. Consistency in words and actions build trust and promote excellent safety behavior patterns.
Caring: is the quality that brings energy, belief and trust and drives the process. The program developed the theme, “We care about safety because we care about you,” to clearly convey that this program is not about numbers; it’s about people.
The communication team developed icons that were used as visual reminders around the plants:
The objective of the course is to learn ways to influence and change behavior to meet mutually beneficial goals. Group exercises using mouse traps and mock “toxic waste” dilemma are used to demonstrate the importance of teamwork and trust, and to practice effective communication between supervisors and team members.
The first program was rolled out in October 2008 for sixteen supervisors from the Hopewell Plant. The program will be implemented at the remainder of the EG Consumer Specialties locations in 2009. Early reviews have been favorable and we are enthusiastic that supervisors armed with the skills to encourage safe behaviors and effectively address unsafe behaviors will enable the team to achieve the vision of sustainable zero injuries in Evonik Goldschmidt.
Tom Wojick is a senior consultant with Six Seconds, an international training and consulting organization, an adjunct faculty member at the Robins School of Business Executive Education Program at the University of Richmond and President of The Renewal Group.
The new Business Case for Emotional Intelligence lays out a compelling array of research projects linking EQ and EQ skills to business success. But what about you? How do you define success? And does emotional intelligence have anything to do with it?
Experiment: Think of 3-6 people you know that you consider successful. Maybe they are not “100% successful,” but each has some part of success well dialed.
What are the key elements of success? What qualifies someone to be on your list?
For each person, list their key strengths: Beyond luck and circumstance, what knowledge, attitudes, or skills sets this person apart? How many of these are linked to emotional intelligence? Without using names, post your answer to this question in the comments, below!
What parts of list #1 do you aspire to? What parts of list #2 will help you get there?
This article appeared as a VitalSigns for EQ – one of Six Seconds’ great newsletters.
A survey in 2000 found that the most frequently expressed emotion at work was anger and the least frequently expressed emotion was joy. When I mentioned this to a group of b-school students a few days ago most were not surprised. Anger, they report, is common in their work experience. Expressing joy is associated with being a ‘lightweight’. It is not professional. Anger is associated with power, joy with weakness. This is obviously a problem for all of us. While anger has a place and can be an intelligent emotion, joy and other positive emotions are critical to idea generation and enhancing cooperation. The question is, how do we express joy, or happiness, or as Josh has noted, appreciation and gratitude, in a way that is accepted and heard by people? And how can we convince leaders of the importance – and ‘professionalism’ – of the expression of joy?
Researchers found that healthcare professional high in emotional intelligence are far more effective in a number of key performance areas including stress management, showing that these skills are critical for healthcare professionals – and especially those in leadership positions.
Great article. Focus is on Gottman’s specialty, marriages, and it’s a bit thin on link to biz relationships — but the advice is very practical. 3 points I liked:
1. “Successful couples, he notes, look for ways to accentuate the positive. They try to say “yes” as often as possible.” Gottman uses metaphor of salt shaker that can be filled with “yes” – how often can you sprinkle that on relationships?
2. “good relationships aren’t about clear communication—they’re about small moments of attachment and intimacy. It takes time and work to make such moments part of the fabric of everyday life.” This takes making it a priority! Relationship is at the center of the leader’s job, not a distraction from the tasks.
3. There are a lot of theories about the basic things people fight about. Gottman says no – it’s not about a thing at all: it’s about HOW people fight! In other words, it’s not the subject that matters, it’s the emotional message that’s underneath it.
You can’t change what you are unaware of in yourself. Being able to observe yourself in the heat of the moment is the first step to making a different choice versus your typical programmed emotional reaction.
This comment is key:
There is valuable information in emotions — if you can tune into that internal channel. Feelings can clue us in about the importance and meaning of an event, situation or interaction.
Would be nice to see more depth in what appears in popular media. “Emotions matter” is a good start though!
