Karen McCown, Six Seconds’ Chairman, handed this article to me several years ago. It’s stuck with me as a powerful set of guidelines for being impeccable with words. The children, Patty and I have discussed the “three gatekeepers” often over the last years; we started when the kids were 4 and 6 years old and have carried it forward. I highly recommend you put this one into practice!
- Josh

Because we can’t see them, we throw words around without much consideration for their effect. But words leave lasting impressions. Dr. Wilder Penfield, the great Canadian neurosurgeon, describes vividly the experiments that demonstrated how easily words we thought were long forgotten can be revived by electric stimulation of the brain. It’s all still there, recorded deep in consciousness – emotional depth charges ready to explode when they are triggered.

That is why the Buddha considered Right Speech to be as important as Right Action. I think he would have liked the Arab proverb that everything we say should pass three gatekeepers: “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?”

Any little remark that fails these tests – a joke, a wisecrack, thoughtless gossip, an unverified “fact” or tightly-clenched opinion – can wreck a relationship, destroy trust, even cost a job. But the most glaring violation of Right Speech is the everyday quarrel. We just don’t seem to know how to disagree without being disagreeable.

It starts simply enough: someone says something we disagree with, and for some reason we get angry. (Why? I have never seen the connection.) Or, of course, we say something they disagree with and they get angry. Either way, after just a few words, tempers fray and language starts deteriorating.

How many times have I heard even educated people begin an emotionally charged dialogue with the best of intentions: “We won’t quarrel. Let us confine ourselves to the subject at hand.” Within five minutes one is saying, “That’s not what you told me last Saturday in front of the Wide World of Shoes!” And the other replies – see the absurdity of it! – “That wasn’t in front of the Wide World of Shoes. It was the Narrow World of Shoes.”

Anything to quarrel, anything to contradict.

After that, the quarrel has nothing to do with the subject. It is mostly “You must have done this even as a child” and “I’ve heard stories about the way you behaved in high school.” We may know we are being foolish, but by then we are caught; we can’t escape. All of us have been in arguments like this.

I used to ask my teacher, my grandmother, “Granny, if you found yourself in a situation like this, what would you do?” It took years for me to understand her simple answer: “Son, I wouldn’t get into a situation like that.”

This is very practical advice. Even if somebody is being rude to you or unkind, it doesn’t help to be unkind in return. It doesn’t help them and it doesn’t help you. The more unkind you are, the more angry the other person is going to be – and then the more angry you are going to be, until two people have ceased to be human beings and have gone back to a previous stage of evolution.

Out of control
If we could see what happens in the mind at times like these, we would be embarrassed. The mind simply slips out of control, like a speeding car that careens all over the road. Only when we have some say in where our attention goes can we keep our hands on the wheel.

That is what meditation is for. Then, when we see the mind beginning to break loose, we can brake a little, check the words that are about to burst forth, and choose speech that is kind, constructive, and respectful instead.

If we were to ask the Buddha why we lose control at times like these, he would give a precise diagnosis. First, he would say, the mind never was really in our control. The very nature of the mind is to be fickle, distractable, constantly in motion – in a word, to do whatever it likes. For it to behave the way we like, we have to train it through meditation.

But the real problem, he would say, is self-will: the fierce attachment to our little personal self, our opinions, our ego, that insists on having its way whatever the consequences to others. We just can’t bear to be contradicted, so we get angry and lash out with hurtful words. Most of us would be chagrined to see the underlying message: “You aren’t worth my respect. My ideas are superior; you don’t count.”

Bear with others
To break this cycle, we have to learn to be patient under provocation. “Suffer hard words,” the Buddha says, “as the elephant suffers arrows in battle. People are people, most of them ill-natured.”

There you get the Buddha, who really knows human nature. He doesn’t try to idealize. He doesn’t say, “Everybody is beautiful. Everybody is divine.” He says, “Factually speaking, most people lack courtesy.” This is the characteristic touch of the Buddha, standing firmly on the ground and then trying slowly to help us rise until our heads touch the stars.

For an Indian audience, the elephant is a familiar illustration. The elephant is the mightiest creature on earth, so tremendous in strength and endurance that in battle he ignores his wounds and goes forward gallantly even when his body is bristling with arrows. But he is also a very gentle creature. If you offer him a peanut on the palm of your hand, he will take it without even touching you.

The Buddha’s audience would have grasped the message immediately. Shrug off the daily darts and arrows that life sends, he is telling us, but never shoot such arrows at others. Never upset people, never be unkind to them, never hurt their feelings or treat them with lack of respect, how-ever they might behave themselves.

“In other words,” he says, “in personal relationships, be prepared for a certain amount of impoliteness and discourtesy – not because people are bad, but because they have self-will and can’t control it, just like you.”

This is one of the curious fallacies of self-will. We expect others to show courtesy to us, but we also expect them to bear with us if we happen to be a little unkind. We expect to have our way, but why should others have theirs?

It’s good, I think, not to get upset if you find somebody not showing respect to you, for the simple reason that you may well not be showing enough respect yourself.

Here the Buddha asks a simple question: If you get displeased when others are unkind to you, why don’t you get equally displeased when you are not kind to others? In other words, there is no mystery about these things. You don’t like anyone to be unkind to you. Why don’t you remember that the other person is just like you? Like you, he doesn’t like unkind words. Like you, she appreciates courtesy and respect.

Oddly enough, the person who usually gets upset is the man who expects extreme courtesy for himself, the woman who finds it easy to be discourteous to others. The realist is the mystic, who says, “Well, the world is like that. It takes all sorts.”

In The Imitation of Christ – a marvelous book of spiritual inspiration for any religion – we often come across this same counsel: “Bear with people. Don’t answer back.”

Believe me, for those of us who have lived in the world of education and had our intellect sharpened to be sarcastic, it’s very difficult to restrain oneself. At a meeting when you’re being criticized or attacked, it’s considered part of your academic responsibility to answer back with compound interest.

I, too, was in the habit of doing that, until I began to understand that if somebody attacked me, there was no need for me to get exasperated. After all, most people are capable of using their judgment. So I started just repeating my mantram silently – Rama, Rama, Rama – and keeping quiet.

It was not at all easy. To make things worse, it was sometimes misinterpreted. Somebody who used to keep quiet would think I was at a loss for an answer and join the others in jumping on me. It was difficult training, but very soon I began to see that I was getting detached – not from my colleagues, but from my own opinions. When they were criticizing somebody, they weren’t criticizing me. They were criticizing a statue they had sculpted and set up in the corner. Why should I be bothered if they threw darts at a statue they themselves had made?

This doesn’t mean making a doormat of yourself. Just the opposite. It is training. You are getting your mind under control. First you learn to break the connection between stimulus and response. Once you have a measure of detachment, you can reply to criticism without identifying yourself with your opinions or the other person with hers. Then you are free to choose words that are kind, respectful, and to the point.

The more self-willed and insensitive the other person is, the more reason for you to alert your mind to be calm and compassionate – and, if necessary, to face opposition firmly but tenderly.

We aren’t helping self-willed people when we give in to their demands or let them walk all over us. It only feeds self-will to let them have their way. We have to learn to show respect by opposing them – tenderly, nonviolently, but firmly.

This is a lesson all of us need to learn, and it’s not at all easy. Particularly in personal relationships where people are insecure, they will feel resentment but they will not try to oppose tenderly. When self-will gets inflated, you look upon others as part of your own ego – a kind of ego-annex. This is very common today, especially between parents and children. In such cases it is particularly painful – and all the more necessary – to learn to oppose tenderly, with detachment and respect.

The mental attitude
Criticism, of course, can be useful only when it is constructive. Comments can be useful only when they are friendly. Persuasion can be useful only when it is loving. Even from the point of effectiveness, then, unkind comments only add to the problem. Disrespectful criticism makes the situation worse.

Often, of course, it is necessary to make a constructive comment or suggestion. It is the mental attitude – the tone, the respect, the loving concern – with which we put forward ideas op-posed to others that makes the contribution effective.

I would suggest that whenever you feel you have to make a suggestion opposed to someone else’s, take time to get a little detached from the situation by repeating the mantram silently. Then, when your mind is calm, offer your suggestion in a friendly, warmhearted manner with great respect for the other person. This takes practice, but you will find that it works. It is effective.

Here it helps to remember the Buddha’s observation: most of our problems arise from inflated self-will. And one of the surest signs of inflated self-will is in an inability to see the person’s point of view. It is not that we have to accept the other person’s point of view, but under no circumstances should we refuse to acknowledge that the other person has a point of view – one that deserves to be listened to with respect and evaluated with detachment.

Everyone acknowledges this in principle, but in practice it is all too rare. On campuses I have found even the best-educated scholars sometimes unable to concede that others have a cogent point of view.

This is the intellectual climate I was trained in. It took years of retraining my mind through the practice of meditation to learn to listen with respect to utterly opposite points of view and yet retain my own.

When you are able to do this – to be completely loyal to your ideals and yet not reflect on other people’s integrity – often the other person begins to respond. What matters is the friendliness you show, the lack of ill will – and, more than anything else, the complete absence of any sense of superiority. The more spiritual you become, the less superior you feel to others because the less separate you feel from others. The superiority complex is most rampant where separateness is inflamed.

Right Speech
By making Right Speech part of his Eightfold Path, the Buddha is giving us a precious clue. Right Speech is not just a nice way to behave. It is a spiritual discipline, part of a very skillfully designed path for self-realization.

Once we grasp this, every disagreement becomes an opportunity for spiritual growth.

Facing anger, for example – your own or others’ – is one of life’s best opportunities for training. It’s very much like learning to lift weights. You start by lifting chairs, then tables, then a desk, and after a while you’re lifting a VW Bug. You can pick up a thousand pounds, raise it over your head – what do they call it? “clean and jerk” – and then drop it onto the mat with a lot of noise.

It is the same with anger. You start with those absurd little quarrels about the Wide World of Shoes. As you learn to be patient, you get confidence. Next time, when a bigger outburst comes, instead of retaliating, being unkind, making sarcastic remarks, you use the incident for training the muscles of your mind by repeating the mantram.

Just as we admire people who can lift a thousand pounds, we all benefit by being with somebody who can be patient under attack, kind when opposed, and detached enough to see the situation clearly and compassionately. This is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.

Daily review
Athletes, I understand, often keep a daily record of their training. In the same spirit, I take a few minutes every evening to get a bird’s-eye view of training my mind and see where I can improve the quality of my daily behavior.

This is not a negative survey. You are not finding fault with yourself. You are asking, “Where can I be a little more patient? Can I be a little more loving toward Amelia tomorrow? Can I be a little more helpful to John?” These are the positive ways in which we can improve the quality of our daily living tomorrow in the light of what we have done today.

Interestingly enough, this makes every day new. Tomorrow is never the same old day. There is always something more to be done: one or two more steps to take on the path upward, some greater care to avoid the mistakes that all of us make in some small way. Instead of repining over mistakes or being resentful over them, I would suggest taking every possible care not to repeat those mistakes tomorrow and make at least a little improvement in your daily behavior.

This is why we have been given the competitive instinct: not to compete with others, but to compete with ourselves. Every evening you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, “You did a pretty good job today, I agree. But watch out! Tomorrow I’m going to outdo you.”

Original goodness
When you refrain from unkindness, you are uncovering your real nature. That is the real meaning of the Buddha’s word nirvana: the removal of every shred of the selfish conditioning and self-will that brings such sorrow to us and others.

When we have removed all anger, what remains is compassion. When we have removed all selfishness, what remains is selflessness. When we have removed all hatred, what remains is love.

This is the glory of the mystical tradition: We don’t have to make ourselves loving; we have only to remove hatred from our hearts. Those who have learned to be kind even when others are unkind move in the world with freedom. Their love flows to all around without any question of “Is he being nice to me? Is she being kind?”

Life holds us hostage with such questions. But when we are free – when we attain the stage where there is no possibility of my dancing to your tune or making you dance to mine – all sorrows come to an end.

“You cannot add to the joy of such a man,” the Upanishads say. “You cannot add to such a woman’s security. Whatever life gives, whatever life takes, they are always full.”

Max and I were at the sushi bar this evening and I indulged in my “restaurant vice” of listening to the conversations around us.

There was a guy about my age who seems to work in construction or trucking; he was talking with his buddy about the woman he’s been dating the last few months.  What intrigued me was his experience of beginning to build a relationship with the woman’s three daughters, and the “raking over the coals” they were giving him.  I was struck by the complexity of this situation, and was touched by the care – even reverence – he held for the situation.  At least to his buddy, he expressed no impatience, no regret, no blame, but you could hear some pain and uncertainty and hope all mixed in his voice as he shared what it’s been like to be introduced to the girls as their mom’s new “friend.”

While I was touched by his tenderness (though presented in a “guy” slap on the back fashion), I was also thinking that the poor guy’s in over his head.  As the generations roll on, we’re increasing the complexity and removing support systems.  Many, maybe most, of us are trying to do right by one another — but we don’t quite know how to navigate these new situations and roles.  While the logistics are not that daunting, the emotions are very messy; maybe it’s just that there are so many opportunities for “big” emotional experiences in all this social complexity?  And how do we learn to navigate this new terrain?  We’ve barely learned to cope with the world as it was, and each day we’re adding complexity — creating situations none of us is equipped to handle…. yet somehow, with luck and the many blessings that strengthen us, we stumble onward and sometimes it seems to work.

Talking to lovely grandparents, they were asking if I thought it strange how teens are so public, for example posting comments about crude behavior….  On the one hand I do find it strange.  Looking @ what videos are popular on myspace — why would someone post a video of drinking at a party… and why would 7 million people watch it?  On the other, isn’t this what teens have done for time immemorial?  In the “Grease days” it was “tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far?” (dan nah na na nah na nan nah.)  Now instead of bragging at the diner it’s posting a vid from your phone.

And yes, it’s much more public, but that’s one of the key differences for this generation – their connections are broad and thin vs narrow and deep.  Today it’s 500 “virtual friends” versus last century’s 5 “real world friends.”

“But those aren’t real friends,” says Grandma.  For you, they wouldn’t be – but for your grandson they are.  As “old people” we have a different definition, a different concept of connection.  Feeling connected is a primal – maybe even THE primal need; it appears we’ve accidentally changed the way people experience that connectedness.

This has profound implications at work.

Was talking to “Alia,” a 20-something who was frustrated that her bosses don’t “get” her and her generation.  “They think if we’re online we’re wasting time, but that’s how we network.  I spend hours online linking people to know about the company.”

Managers often tell me that the young generation is not motivated.  Au contraire – as we see with Alia, they are highly motivated… but motivated to their own approach.  Just ’cause us oldsters can’t engage that motivation doesn’t mean it isn’t there – it means we aren’t crossing the gap.  Affinity is like a tidal force, there’s little that’s as motivating.  In the recent past, affinity was to a company and a team and a place.  Now it’s squashed flat and spread wide.

Back to the grandparents, they were anxious how much time the boy spent on Facebook, and I asked if they had a fb page.  “No, we didn’t want to give in.”  Give in??  There is a gap!

I encouraged them to make one that night and invite their grandson as a “friend.”  Not because it’s fun for them to hang out on fb, but as a vehicle for creating common ground.  It’s only when we’re willing to make that common ground and step into the circle that we have a chance of connecting with, influencing, and engaging those on the other side of the gap.

Great experience w my kids discovering a way to make a difference – and how that connection to purpose created emotional transformation.  Wrote it up on family travel blog…

http://redsuitcase.wordpress.com/2009/10/30/j-orangutan-heart/

Six Seconds Network member Shahnaz Bahman shared this article she wrote for Woman this Month magazine.  Are You an Emotionally Intelligent Parent? (PDF)

How do we change out of a destructive pattern?

Emma (my daughter, now 9) frequently makes a big fuss when it’s time to do work that’s not appealing, especially “dumb writing homework” (despite usually liking writing and being an outstanding student).  This has gone on for years, but a couple of weeks ago I noticed myself becoming very reactive.  I was getting more and more irritated with her — and the irritation about homework seemed to be bleeding into our relationship-in-general.

I’d say hello in the morning and she’d grouch at me… say hello in the afternoon and she’d ignore me.  Then the homework fuss would come up, and I found myself thinking in such a judgmental way, labeling her as “drama queen,” “irrational,” and a few I won’t put in print.  As my frustration grew, I found myself thinking things like, “she can bloody well sit in her room ’till the work is done” (and thinking it with a kind of violent savagery ala “that will show her!”).

There are two aspects of this reaction that I’d like to explore with you:

First, when I felt disrespected and excluded, my patience for the “homework drama” plummeted.  My hurt feelings translated to wanting to hurt back.

Second, as I was feeling impatient, I fell into a pattern of force (power and control) and dealing with superficial “facts” — despite my certain knowledge that this DOES NOT WORK.

In Six Seconds’ work on change, we teach that people behave the way they do for emotionally valid reasons, and that unless you change the underlying emotional dynamic, you don’t create change.  This concept is explained well in Alan Deutschman’s book, Change or Die, which I constantly talk about (here’s an interview I did with him about this).  Deutschman says the dominant, but failing, paradigm when trying to drive change is to use facts, force and fear.

As I get more and more frustrated, I begin to rely on power and control.  I start using facts to back up how right I am, and force to reinforce my sense of power, and fear to accentuate my own power over her.  In that FFF paradigm, we try to make people change.  This doesn’t work, because people don’t want to be forced.  When people feel pushed, they resist.  The resistance causes them to protect, and they become less open to risk.  Meanwhile as we push, we become more irritated and less open to understand what they’re feeling and what’s really blocking the change.

Nice mess — and I KNOW this, but knowledge is not enough.  So here I am, getting frustrated with my daughter, and the more frustrated I get, the more I find myself shooting down this track, a track that I intellectually know leads only to more frustration.  But nonetheless, I’m sucked in.  It’s like I’m in a terrible daytime TV show where these messages are beamed into my brain.  And the more irritated I get, the more I’m in this reactive, superficial, destructive mindset.

Once I started to reflect I could see this pattern — this track I was on.  Which was great to recognize, but then what?  Getting off requires a shift in thinking+feelings — a way to step out of the dynamic.

Fortunately, it came a day later at bedtime.

I was just kissing my daughter goodnight and she had a rare evening of not having a book in hand… so welcomed a sleepy snuggle.  She’s so big now, and so fierce in her opinions.  But laying next to her I had this vivid memory of 9 years ago when we were on our first long plane ride and told her about it.

So long as one of us was walking around holding her, Emma was content.  But as soon as we sat down she fussed.  I remember walking up and down the long 747 aisles in the dark, with glimpses of night as we walked past the rows of windows, pacing endlessly at 500 miles per hour with this sleepy warm angel.

I remember quietly singing the same little song over and over and over (“la mar estaba serena, serena estaba la mar…”).  Probably as much for me as her; I can still feel the soothing rhythm of it.

I remember looking out the small galley window, watching the endless stretches of Nordic ice in the moonlight, and wondering at the infinite variety of that unknown alien landscape, so cold and distant.

At the time, I had no sense that this would become a precious memory… but now it’s so vivid… and tinged with the sepia tones of nostalgia.  Amazing what become printed in our hearts.

And from that place of appreciation, the whole “homework drama frustration” simply evaporated.  I remembered the precious (and willful) innocence inside this person.  I “made her good” in my mind and heart and this let me step off the reactive track.  This emotional connection is empathy, and it’s a doorway to a whole new way of seeing — and the antidote to the FFF paradigm.

In the week since that evening, we’ve had no conversation about changing the “homework drama,” but it just hasn’t come up.  It’s like the circuit is (at least for the moment) diffused.  While it’s likely to resurface, I’m now more keenly aware of the trap — and at least one way out.

♥

Dr. Anabel Jensen, President of Six Seconds, once told me that if I would get any magazine it should be Scientific American Mind. She told me it would inform by trainings and my overall life! Little did I know at the time that she would be so right! In the February/March issue of Scientific American Mind the feature story is “The Serious Need for Play–How it Improves Your Creativity, Emotional Health—and Cuts Stress.”

As a former teacher (always a teacher!!) and administrator I had many discussions with fellow colleagues and school parents about the importance of play. I don’t mean soccer, baseball, theater practice, rollerskating, etc.although they are all great structured activities! I mean that wonderful time when our imaginations soar! I mean that time when children go out in the backyard and say to each other,”What should we play?” I submit that not enough children are getting enough time to learn how to create play out of free time. Many times they say, “I am bored. I have nothing to do.” We are providing great structured activities for them, but we are not always modeling for them how you take that amazing free time and build something of their own!

In the neighborhood in which I grew up I remember my friends and I telling each other we would get together at someone’s home and “”figure out what to do.” What followed was some playing with dolls, and much time writing stories we would share with the neighborhood, playing “Caveman” (an original game) in our basements, writing stories we would share with the neighborhood, portraying teachers, creating plays in which we would play all of the characters, and having tremendous fun. Not one time did we feel we were bored! We learned that free time provided us with an opportunity to create our own world! Now I know some of you may think I am romanticizing my childhood. I must tell you that that may very well be true, but it was just an amazing time to explore.

Back to the magazine article… In her article, Melinda Wenner reports,” in 42 years Stuart Brown, a psychiatrist, has interviewed about 6,000 people about their childhoods and his data suggests that a lack of opportunities for unstructured, imaginative play can keep children from growing into happy, well-adjusted adults. “Free play” as scientists call it is, critical for becoming socially adept coping with stress and building cognitive skills such as problem solving.”

The article continues with this very important data: “According to a paper published in 2005 in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, children’s “free play” time dropped by a quarter between 1981 and 1997. Concerns about getting their kids into the right colleges, parents are sacrificing playtime for more structured activities. As early as preschool, youngsters’ after-school hours are now being filled with music lessons and sports—reducing time for the type of imaginative and rambunctious cavorting that fosters creativity and cooperation.”

I could go on and on with the gems in this article. I suggest you get this issue of Scientific American Mind.  You can go to http://www.sciam.com/sciammind/

As we talk about how children develop social-emotional skills, I also submit that play is important for adults, too. Let’s all find some time for that wonderful, unstructured, play time! Also, let’s model for the children how exciting that time can be!

Source of the graph: http://ceel.psc.isr.umich.edu/pubs/papers/ceel013-00.pdf

Jay Grant, network member and wellness coach, is a regular guest on Sacramento & Company.  Here is a clip about working from home and finding a work-life balance while working at home — including several practical tips!

Found this to be a powerful example of a family Knowing, Choosing, and Giving Themselves…

T.R.E. Frankel’s from B-Rilla on Vimeo.

Several years ago when Emma and Max were small, I heard that on average, fathers spend 5 minutes per day with their kids.  This seemed impossible.

Yet this morning, after being away all last week, while Patty & the kids were having breakfast, I was answering email.

Why?

Partly just habit now… maybe it grew from a pattern of mine: When I feel overwhelmed, I retreat and make myself busy.  When there’s “too much going on” (ie, normal family chaos), I retreat to the office and get on the computer…and maybe now I’m just used to hanging out at my desk?

But I have this sense of the window closing – the time when the kids WANT to be with me is growing shorter – and I’m feeling a bit sad and anxious about this.  Those important, valuable, unpleasant feelings are leading me to wonder about the choices I’m making.

As I wrote in my Heart of Leadership book, of all the “hats” I wear, the one that feels most significant to me is “daddy.”  But at the same time I recognize that I short-change that role as I allocate the hours of my day.  I believe I am a good father, and my kids seem to be wonderful — complex — challenging — strong — amazing — people.

And I fear that they’ll grow up and say, “Our dad is a good person, it’s just too bad he was gone so much.”  I hope they’ll say, “We admire how he was always committed to making a difference and sacrificed to make the world better…”  But this is a fine line, and I’m not sure I’m able to land firmly on the latter.
I just added a line to our home page about making a positive difference — everywhere, all the time.  To me that’s the commitment and promise of EQ.  By using this intelligence, we are, every one of us is, able to add love, hope, possibility, vision, and energy (to make a positive difference) in every interaction, in each moment, in every sphere of our lives (everywhere, all the time).  And, as I think about how I’m spending my time, I wonder:  is there enough to go around?

It’s a rainy day here on the California coast.  I’m home in front of the fire listing to Jack Johnson.  And in this kind of quiet moment, I am totally confident there is — there is enough, there is abundance.  The challenge, I suspect, is to hold onto this certainty amidst all the “noise” that comes into the small moments.
My boy just came home — so I’ll get off the computer now!

Six Seconds Network members Michele Sagan & Ranita Rajandram use EQ in a beautiful program to help children succeed for life:

Children today need a more holistic education than what is currently available, she said adding that “they need to learn about emotional intelligence instead of just focusing on academics, which was why she was inspired to start the InsightKIDs programme.

Sagan was speaking at the official launching ceremony of the InsightKIDs learning centre in Medan Damansara in Kuala Lumpur.

The event was attended by Deputy Education Minister Datuk Dr Wee Ka Siong and Deputy Minister of International Trade and Industry Datuk Jacob Dungau Sagan, as well as parents of children enrolled in InsightKIDs programmes.

“InsightKIDs should stand out as an example in the private sector for complementing the exisiting education system,” said Dr Wee.

Source: http://thestar.com.my/education/story.asp?file=/2008/12/14/education/2786170&sec=education

Finding Peace Amidst Holiday Stress – Tips for an “Emotionally Intelligent” Holiday

Joshua Freedman

"Maybe we don’t have a choice between "the way it is" and "the way I dream it," but in between there are countless options"

Paradoxically, holidays are extremely stressful.  Given all the bad news we’re facing in the economy, this year may be especially challenging.

There are so many expectations, so much to accomplish, and so many feelings all rolled together.  Holidays are rituals and we load them with symbolic meaning — even if we’re not "into it," the culture makes so much noise about these days that we can hardly stop wondering how we’re measuring up to a fictional ideal.  This will be doubly challenging for hundreds of thousands of families this year as so many of us are not sure how we’ll pay the mortgage next month.

While I personally love the holiday season, it’s still complicated. And this year especially bittersweet.  As we have for almost 20 years, this year we’ll celebrate Christmas at my step-dad’s house — but this year he will be with us only in spirit.  Just imagining being there without him I can hardly type with my eyes welling up.  I just don’t know how I can make it everything we dream of for our kids while I’m so sad about losing Hank.

But as Max, my 7-year-old son says, "The best way we can remember Grandpa Hank is to do the things he loved."  So we’ll decorate the traditional 12-foot Christmas tree and sing some carols and we’ll cry together, and that sorrow will be a forge that strengthens our joy in being together.  And next year it will be easier.

Recognizing that adversity is temporary is one of the key mental habits of optimism. In the midst of stress, I often feel like the pain is interminable. That reaction causes an increased level of reactivity and negativity. My dad won’t be back — and the sorrow will fade.  If you’re out of a job, or laying people off, this is a brutally difficult period — and the economy will come back.  If you’re alone amid the revelers you may feel lonely — and you will make new connections.

"light is returning, and each of us can kindle that spark"

This does not mean ignoring the pain or dismissing it; the pain is real and deserves to be honored so we learn. Feel the feelings of the present and know they’re temporary. This helps maintain perspective making it easier to find your footing on the path forward.

Another major challenge of holidays is the way we get "sucked in" to dysfunctional patterns.  Maybe I’ve outgrown teasing my sister on most days, but when we all get together I find myself acting like a 13-year-old again — parts of which were great, but the powerlessness is painful.  If you want to get out of these kinds of patterns, the first step is to recognize that you’re "going there" again.

Particularly in well-entrenched patterns, recognizing choice is a bear of a task. Begin by watching the process. Observe yourself as your stress increases, your patience wears thin, you "ramp-up" your reactivity, you explode. For many people, holidays are a perfect time for this exercise — you’ll get to see yourself go through this process a hundred times in a few weeks!

Don’t judge, don’t tell yourself you’re an idiot for doing it AGAIN, don’t fuss at yourself. Just observe the pattern. What’s happening? In what situations are you fighting? Fleeing? Freezing? What are your thoughts? Your feelings? Your actions? Use these challenges as a laboratory and be curious as you watch your patterns unfold.

Just this shift from self-judgment to self-discovery will make a huge difference in your experience. In self-discovery you can let go of frustration more quickly, listen to a bigger range of emotions, and have more peace. 

People often add stress to their stress with three common mistakes:

1. Try to change too much at once.  It’s almost inevitable that if you try to fix everything at once you’ll be disappointed!  Take it slow, focus on one change and get that right.

2. Blame yourself.  People often tell me "I shouldn’t feel this," or "I should be past this."  Fine.  But if you’re not, your not!  People are quirky, irrational, and erratic… so when you are too, that’s part of being human.
3. Give up choice.  When "things" are tough we protect ourselves by saying, "I don’t have a choice."  That makes it easier to accept that the world isn’t the way you want it, but it also makes it harder to make it better!  The fact is we all have THOUSANDS of choices.  Maybe we don’t have a choice between "the way it is" and "the way I dream it," but in between there are countless options: 
   • How much sleep do you give yourself the night before a busy day? 
   • How do you say "good morning" to your family?
   • Are you adding kindness or meanness to the world? 
   • Do you plan ahead and write a nice card to your colleague or do you wait to the last minute then purchase an expensive trinket out of guilt? 
   • What do you tell yourself about this day?

I could go on an on; the point is that when you start to have that "victim feeling" to recognize:  I may not be able to change everything, but I DO have choices!

Perhaps the most important lesson is to treat these wonderful challenging days as practice.

This holiday season is a practice round preparing for next year. This isn’t the Olympic finals, it isn’t the Superbowl.  No matter how "perfect" you make it, no one is going to give you a Noble Prize for Gift Giving. By holding onto the knowledge that this is a practice round, perhaps you’ll give yourself permission to enjoy it just a little more.

There are several powerful, practical tips below — please experiment! 

And most of all, please find a few moments to add peace to the world.  For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, we’re coming to the darkest nights of winter.  But light is returning, and each of us can kindle that spark and warm one another in the glow.  It won’t be perfect, it won’t all be blissful, but with a little practice I’m confident we can each find a way to let the blessings of this season into our hearts.

A guide to an "emotionally intelligent holiday" from members of Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Network around the globe:

Take care of yourself.  Take baths, sip tea in a quiet place, go for  a long walk, touch or observe nature, don’t spend money obligatorily, play games, create art, meditate. Let people love you. Get rest. Drink lots of water and eat healthy foods.  Turn off the news and put down the newspaper (the world, and all its troubles, will be here on January 2nd).  Give yourself a conscious break – there will be more of you to go around.
– Robin Meredith, California  

Make breakfast with your family for a week and enjoy it…with a selection of music.
– Waris Candra, Hong Kong 

We are so busy running around that we often forget that the best gifts do not require money but a little time.  For example: For people with young children, baking cookies together is always a good one. Take time to have a cup of coffee/tea/drink with a spouse or friend alone (no stress and no preparation). Call and say "I love you."
– Susan Charles, California

One thing that I’ve found that is helping me ride the waves of holiday emotion is holding fast to one ritual that keeps me grounded during the rest of the year. My goal is to continue making time for this particular ritual (which happens to be an exercise regimen, but could be anything) no matter what. If that means I have to say no to some of the other things that come up, then that’s okay. I remind myself that my ritual is what keeps me grounded and when I honor it, I have always have positive results.
– Julie Binter, Arizona

Because of my active temperament, I had to make a point of carving out quiet time each day. I began a family nightly ritual where we gather together to light candles, tell inspiring stories and share from our day, and sing songs before settling into sleep.  Now that my children are older, I give each of them a disposable camera and every day ask them to take one photo of something good/inspiring that they see every day leading up to the New Year.  When the excitement of the holidays has passed, we create a very simple photo book as a way of completing the season.  I also spend a few minutes every night gently massaging my boys to sleep.  These simple practices provide a bit of refuge and a sense of stability from the over-stimulation inherent to the season.  Given all the changes in diet, sleep and routines, my children thrive whenever I can provide predictability and connection.
– Sally Clapper, California 

Try out a new self-calming strategy every day!  Some examples: Knead bread, Plant flowers, Organize a closet, Listen to music, Imagine an uncomfortable feeling floating away, Knit, Pound a drum, Build with legos, Take a bubble bath, Lie down outside, Watch a funny video — or Eat chocolate!
– Hanny Muchtar Darta, Jakarta 

Begin every day in a state of peace.
How?  Upon waking and before starting your routine, spend 5 min (or even better, 15 or 20 min…but 5 will do if you are rushed), in quiet mindful breathing.  Focus on appreciation or gratitude — something or someone or some place that brings you an emotion of peaceful, happy, appreciation.  Sit with this feeling for the moments you have available.
Then as you get into the rest of your day stay in, (or return to frequently) this "inner slowness," even as you move quickly about your business — your inner state has a better chance of existing in a peaceful and mindful condition when you begin the day is this way.  From this place we are more apt to make thoughtful and wise decisions, and to not as likely fall off centre when the chaos around us gets overwhelming.
– Cheryl Bakke Martin, Calgary 

Having just lost a major portion of our income (temporarily) I am reminded that there is still much I (we) can do during the Holiday period (as well as through the year) that doesn’t cost money: Looking to help make someone else better.
This can be in the moment and only for a moment — with a smile or kind word; This can be with an "old fashioned" holding of the door for someone else; This can be with a more overt gesture of handing out bread loaves (or something) to the homeless or destitute, those on the many street corners and freeway off-ramps. There is so much that we / I can do that feeds our / my soul and it is all more than rewarding for all of us. I believe that it helps the positive "resonance" of our goodness in the human experience. As such, it is extremely therapeutic and lovely for us as well as the recipient.
– Marek Helstrom, California

Take a nap!
– Mary Lou Reker, DC

I’ve decided that if I’m unhappy that’s a temporary problem which can only be cured by taking some steps to get outside myself and do things that I love to do during the holidays — like going to hear the Hallelujah Chorus, going to see the Christmas Boat Parade, attending church on Christmas Eve and being grateful for all of the blessings in my life. So my tip for the Holidays is to make a list of all of your blessings and to do all of the things that bring you joy.
– Genie Lee, California

At an event, invite each person to share a funny story about one person in the group — followed by a heartfelt appreciation of how that person has touched the sharer’s life (or a wish for that person).
– Mark Sng, Singapore

Joshua Freedman is the Chief Operating Officer for Six Seconds EQ Network and author of At the Heart of Leadership as well as numerous tools for individual and organizational change. And thank you to the members of the network who contributed tips!

Six Seconds’ COO, Joshua Freedman, was interviewed for Feb ‘07 Redbook:

Are You Smart About Your Feelings?

Five ways to boost your emotional intelligence.
By Tara Rummell Berson

Excerpt:

Cultivate your curiosity.

We frequently ask questions out of habit without really caring about the answer (for example, asking someone, “How’s it going?” as you speed by her in the hallway). “Try honing your empathic skills by asking a question you want to know the answer to,” Freedman suggests. It could be as simple as, “How is it going with that new babysitter?” When you ask, look the other person in the eyes and wait for her answer. She’ll see that you’re truly interested, so she’ll answer thoughtfully — and likely ask how you’re doing. Creating these moments for emotional understanding has its perks, Freedman adds: Your blood pressure drops when you’re fully attentive to what someone else is saying — plus, you’ll develop more satisfying relationships.

Emma, Max, Patty and I were coming near the end of our family vacation in Montreal and there was some, shall we say, fussy behavior. So we began to talk about beginnings, middles, and endings and I’ve been thinking more about these phases and the feelings that go with them.

Awareness of beginnings, middles, and ends helps me in many other areas; it applies to all kinds of projects, relationships, and events — at work, at school, at home, in love and in war. It seems that if we could become more effective in all three phases life would be a lot better!

Lately the kids have been watching “Little Einsteins” on TV, each episode features a piece of classical music. So on the vacation we talked about how classical music is created with beginnings that set up a theme, middles that explore the theme, and endings that bring everything back together.

With the kids (who are now 7 and 5), we talked about what else has a beginning, middle, and end. We decided almost everything does: trees, popsicles, vacations, activities, and even life. At work, I’d add projects, changes, teams, organizations, and careers.

There are different emotions that go with each part, or phase, of the cycle. Different people experience the phases differently — for some people beginnings are exciting, for others they are frustrating or boring. For some people endings are peaceful, for others they are sad. Understanding your own and team members’ preferences and perceptions of this cycle can help improve workflow and effectiveness. Simply talking about the phases is an effective way to improve the flow.

I’m someone who loves beginnings — I get so excited about the possibilities and plans. Patty is great at middles, but she doesn’t have a lot of patience for the “set up.” She loves actually DOING, not planning. Neither of us is great at endings — maybe we’re too busy going onto what’s next.

The next day, I asked my family about our vacation’s beginning, middle, and end, and how we wanted each part to be. Often our “ends” are marked by unpleasant behavior — fussing, fighting, or getting really busy — probably to avoid some of the difficult feelings associated with endings. I’ve noticed the same behaviors with clients and work-teams; frequently people “act out” because they don’t know what to do with the feelings. Even if the feelings are a natural and normal part of that phase of the project cycle.

This discussion was very helpful for our vacation! While we did have some of the “usual” ending behavior, overall the ending of this vacation was lovely. We had some time for sorrow and saying goodbye, and reflection about our favorite parts, and excitement about what’s coming next.

Each phase is important in the life cycle, and short-cutting any one has consequences.

Beginnings are important because they set the stage. A good beginning provides focus, clarity, and shared understanding. Shortcuts here waste time later, create misunderstandings, and cause unexpected outcomes.

Middles are important because they are the perseverance. A good middle provides quality, consistency, efficiency, and effectiveness. Shortcuts here reduce quality, decrease replicability, and diminish value.

Ends are important because they create closure. A good end includes reflection, mourning (sometimes) or celebration (sometimes) or both (rarely), learning, and transition. Shortcuts here cause the same mistakes to be repeated, old issues to remain unresolved, and drain energy.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself and others about these phases:

How do you feel about each phase? Where are you usually excited, bored, scared, joyful, frustrated, hopeless, hopeful? Do you know why?

Which phase is typically your strength? How about the others in your work team or family? As a team do you have a balance? Do you respect one another’s strengths in these phases, or is one devalued?

When have you “skipped over” or minimized a phase, and what were the effects?

What is one change you would like to make in the way you attend to beginnings, middles, and endings? What effect would that change produce? How will you make that change occur? (Be sure to consider the beginning, middle, and end of this question!)

An ending thought: Sometimes I get so caught up in “doing things” I forget what I’m really doing. Reconnecting with my Noble Goal helps me pay attention.

It is Independence Day here; when I was younger, it was a day for blowing stuff up, for a little thrill, and also for the ephemeral beauty of fireworks. A little less young, now it is a day for barbecues, family, and thinking about what it means to belong to a nation.

We spent the weekend surrounded by family and friends. Emma’s first 4th of July in a year of firsts. Strangely both my mother and mother-in-law (Patty’s mom) are moving right now. So this weekend was also one of saying good-bye to old houses, which is sad because so many memories get tied up in those places– saying good-bye to the bricks and mortar is easy, but knowing I won’t again sit on the deck, or walk in the roses, or see our carpentry is hard.

So maybe that poignancy led me to thinking about our fathers. I have never met Patty’s, and while I have one present father, I have one who still has not seen Emma. I was wondering if they are her grandfathers, or more like the distant relatives that I know only from a fading photo.

I feel so certain now that I will always be part of Emma’s life. Today I was imagining her being 30 and not seeing her, not seeing her baby. I can not picture myself in this absent role –maybe because of my own experience, or maybe because of my own lack of experience, I can not see us severed.

So what about our fathers? Not just Patty’s and mine, but all of our absent fathers. Are they distant because of us, or because of themselves? Even more, I can’t understand their distance from Emma. Nothing in my life has felt closer to the divine than holding Emma as she sleeps. How can they bear to miss these moments?

My absent father is not a bad person, and I do not blame him or my mother for their divorce. These severed relationships, our absent fathers, are the product of a system that does not support us to build lifelong commitments.

In my own case, my guess is that we are all a lot healthier and happier for that divorce — but I do not understand the absence, the severance, the walls. I do not understand how our world can survive filled with these rifts.

As a middle school teacher, I remember with alarming regularity parent conferences beginning, “we are going through a difficult time….” In my advisory group, most (60%?) of my students experienced divorce between 6th and 8th grade. Nationally and internationally, the statistics are staggering. Same old news.

With a two month old, it is new again for me.

Thinking about Emma’s grandfathers and myself as a father, I am concerned that as a society we have become confused about independence. We have convinced ourselves, especially men, that independence means not needing anybody. This kind of independence is easy. There are no real consequences, we are safe behind our emotional fortresses, it is easy to cut the strings. Yet there is no freedom, there is no opportunity to come together as something larger than ourselves. Bogart walks into the fog, “Three tiny lives don’t amount to a hill of beans” or some such —it plays well on the screen, but leaves a superficial meaninglessness to our greatest aspirations.

We have a society filled with the rifts of severed relationships perpetuated by people bound and determined to need no one else. We have become a society of single parents, single children, single people who come together around the holiday barbecues to celebrate Independence Day.

But this year, around the barbecue, I got to see people who love my daughter simply because she is a beautiful baby, and part of our family, and because we need one another. Today I got to see that there are other options — that it can be Interdependence Day. This does not mean our absent fathers with suddenly reappear –but that we can change the system.

I hope this is a year of extending relationships, and that next year I will watch the fireworks and see the glimmering motes as the connections we have built.

- Josh