Max and I were at the sushi bar this evening and I indulged in my “restaurant vice” of listening to the conversations around us.

There was a guy about my age who seems to work in construction or trucking; he was talking with his buddy about the woman he’s been dating the last few months.  What intrigued me was his experience of beginning to build a relationship with the woman’s three daughters, and the “raking over the coals” they were giving him.  I was struck by the complexity of this situation, and was touched by the care – even reverence – he held for the situation.  At least to his buddy, he expressed no impatience, no regret, no blame, but you could hear some pain and uncertainty and hope all mixed in his voice as he shared what it’s been like to be introduced to the girls as their mom’s new “friend.”

While I was touched by his tenderness (though presented in a “guy” slap on the back fashion), I was also thinking that the poor guy’s in over his head.  As the generations roll on, we’re increasing the complexity and removing support systems.  Many, maybe most, of us are trying to do right by one another — but we don’t quite know how to navigate these new situations and roles.  While the logistics are not that daunting, the emotions are very messy; maybe it’s just that there are so many opportunities for “big” emotional experiences in all this social complexity?  And how do we learn to navigate this new terrain?  We’ve barely learned to cope with the world as it was, and each day we’re adding complexity — creating situations none of us is equipped to handle…. yet somehow, with luck and the many blessings that strengthen us, we stumble onward and sometimes it seems to work.

Talking to lovely grandparents, they were asking if I thought it strange how teens are so public, for example posting comments about crude behavior….  On the one hand I do find it strange.  Looking @ what videos are popular on myspace — why would someone post a video of drinking at a party… and why would 7 million people watch it?  On the other, isn’t this what teens have done for time immemorial?  In the “Grease days” it was “tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far?” (dan nah na na nah na nan nah.)  Now instead of bragging at the diner it’s posting a vid from your phone.

And yes, it’s much more public, but that’s one of the key differences for this generation – their connections are broad and thin vs narrow and deep.  Today it’s 500 “virtual friends” versus last century’s 5 “real world friends.”

“But those aren’t real friends,” says Grandma.  For you, they wouldn’t be – but for your grandson they are.  As “old people” we have a different definition, a different concept of connection.  Feeling connected is a primal – maybe even THE primal need; it appears we’ve accidentally changed the way people experience that connectedness.

This has profound implications at work.

Was talking to “Alia,” a 20-something who was frustrated that her bosses don’t “get” her and her generation.  “They think if we’re online we’re wasting time, but that’s how we network.  I spend hours online linking people to know about the company.”

Managers often tell me that the young generation is not motivated.  Au contraire – as we see with Alia, they are highly motivated… but motivated to their own approach.  Just ’cause us oldsters can’t engage that motivation doesn’t mean it isn’t there – it means we aren’t crossing the gap.  Affinity is like a tidal force, there’s little that’s as motivating.  In the recent past, affinity was to a company and a team and a place.  Now it’s squashed flat and spread wide.

Back to the grandparents, they were anxious how much time the boy spent on Facebook, and I asked if they had a fb page.  “No, we didn’t want to give in.”  Give in??  There is a gap!

I encouraged them to make one that night and invite their grandson as a “friend.”  Not because it’s fun for them to hang out on fb, but as a vehicle for creating common ground.  It’s only when we’re willing to make that common ground and step into the circle that we have a chance of connecting with, influencing, and engaging those on the other side of the gap.

MSNBC has a news article about institutionalizing the use of the phrase ‘at hope’ kids instead of ‘at risk’ kids using the legislative system. It’s an interesting idea and one that fascinates me very much. Language is so very powerful, often in ways we aren’t thinking about when we use it. Even when we decide to pay attention to our word choices it’s often difficult to be consistent. In addition, there are countless disciplines in the areas of science, social science, law and many others where specialized language is required. Or at least it is thought to be required. And sometimes it’s misused or used to disenfranchise others without the same knowledge base or education level. What about parents of a seriously ill child who become experts in complex medical terminology in order to be able to understand the situation their child is in and to track their progress in ways quite similar to their doctors?

In this case, perception is the issue. Using the phrase ‘at risk’ to describe a group of children lacking in basic resources for life has, for some, gone from a helpful tool used for change and to create urgency to a label that inadvertently blocks change and growth.

The arguments against the official change in wording are equally interesting and both sides are undoubtedly complicated by politics and economics. Overall this reminds me how central language is in our daily work and how important it is to be mindful and thoughtful about our choices. I think it’s also important not to be afraid to reevaluate language as we have done in many circumstances throughout history to make sure the current accepted norms continue to be the most relevant word choices to impart the meaning we desire.

Here’s the link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34826655/ns/us_news-life/

So, I know you’ve probably heard it everywhere in the last few days. I have too. What will we do differently this year?

Now, I’m not usually one for New Years resolutions, mostly because I feel like I make changes in my life when they’re necessary and it doesn’t generally correspond with a tidy date. However, waking up today on the 2nd of January and realizing there’s something I desperately want to accomplish gave me the idea of using the new year to actually further a plan for change this year. A plan to tackle one big, nasty, persistent problem in my life that I have just not handled effectively yet. Today I thought, “What if I could wake up a year from now and be able to say that for 364 days I had done this thing well?” Wow, I really liked that idea!  I needed a strategy for making change that was based on me, my patterns and my ‘operating system.’ And, for once, I liked the idea of attaching a number to it.

So, here’s to day 1 – January 2nd, 2010! What will inspire you to make changes this year? How well do you know yourself and use that knowledge to choose change strategies that will work for YOU? How much more effective can we be when we use our knowledge about ourselves to tailor our plans and when we’re not afraid to do things in a way that we know feels right to us? We’ll see how it goes for me. I’ll report back in a year, give or take a day…

In the Six Seconds EQ Model, the “capstone” is a competency we call “Pursue Noble Goals.” Members of the Six Seconds’ team were discussing this last week, and reflecting that especially in “tough times” it’s easy to feel stuck and have a sense that the work you really want to do is occluded by the “stuff you have to do.”When we say “pursue” Noble Goals, that could sound like, “I have to give up the day to day and totally focus on the truly significant.” Nice, but unlikely.

Pursue Noble Goals really means putting purpose into everyday action. If your purpose is supporting equity, how can you build more equity between the people in the elevator today? If your purpose is sustaining a vibrant earth, how can you change what you buy for lunch to be more sustainable? If your purpose is nurturing compassion, how can you think and feel as you wash the dishes so you end that experience more compassionate?

In other words:  Consider the alignment between WHAT you are doing each moment, each day — HOW your are doing that, and WHY?  Is your intention coming through both in the action and in the way that action is undertaken?

In promoting Satyagraha, nonviolent compassionate activism, Gandhi explained that you can not make peace through anger. Anger and violence make more anger and violence. Real peace only can be made through peaceful means. Sometimes we think the “end justifies the means,” but in this vision, the means IS the end and the end is made of the means. So when we talk about Pursuing Noble Goals, that’s the standard: Live it. It’s not something to work toward in the future, it’s a future to bring into the present. Everywhere, all the time.

Yesterday I came across a common situation at work and was frustrated mostly by how simple it seemed to make a change. A colleague finds himself feeling stuck, caught in a position between a demanding and sometimes irrational boss and a team that is dissatisfied and distrustful. The team has had many changes ‘thrust’ upon them over the last few months, many of which they did not anticipate. They are working hard but feel that at any moment expectations will change and all the hard work they have put in towards their current goal will be undervalued at best, thrown out completely at worst. To them, the decisions coming from upper management seem random, haphazard and unpredictable. It’s easy to imagine how a team in this situation could quickly feel marginalized and undervalued. One of their biggest complaints is that this manager, while sympathetic to their plight, also has to please the boss and sometimes seems as much an enemy as a friend.

This, to me, represents an enormous opportunity for change! So often in the work environment but also elsewhere in our lives, we ‘play the game’ or do what we feel is expected of us because we don’t think we can do it differently. We continue, stuck in a rut (or on an EQ escalator.) The only part of this equation that the manager has absolute control over is his role; his thoughts, his feelings and ultimately, his actions. By recognizing this and acting on it, he will effect change not just for himself but for everyone involved. There are many options here for him here: Have a conversation with his boss about how his team really feels. Have a conversation with his team about how he, as their manager, really feels. It seems that it is not that having these conversations is hard, it is realizing that we CAN have these conversations that is hard.

What stops him from doing this? Fear of an unknown outcome? Perhaps, but when it’s clear that the situation as it is now is stagnant, there is little to lose and much to gain. When others are touched by the honesty of our feelings and emotions, they often respond by being honest with their emotions as well. Couldn’t this change everything in the workplace? EQ skills, not just IQ. Emotions are contagious, change might be too?

Tidbit from my physical therapist:  When you’ve experienced a lot of pain, for example from a ruptured tendon, when you go to try to use that muscle again your brain says, “NO!”  Not because it hurts now, but because your brain “knows” that activity will be painful.

I’ve certainly experienced this in physical therapy with my knees… but also elsewhere in my life.  Before my dad died, for example, there were things I wanted to tell him, but I way afraid — not because it would hurt now, I suspect, but because by brain “knew” that activity would be painful.

So often we “protect” against the old and imagined hurts, and we don’t experience that we’ve grown past the memory of pain.

To get past it in physical injury, I have to risk, trust, hope, have an ally — and commit.  I suspect the same is true with the emotional injuries.

The world urges world leaders to:
Seal the Deal at COP 15 on a climate agreement that is definitive, equitable and effective.
Set binding targets to cut greenhouses gases by 2020 to avert the climate change threat.
Establish a framework that will bolster the climate resilience of vulnerable countries and protect lives and livelihoods.
Support developing countries’ adaptation efforts.
Seize this defining opportunity to protect People and the Planet.
Power green growth; launch the green, low carbon economy of tomorrow

2. Take part in Hopenhagen

"Hopenhagen is a movement created by the United Nations together with the International Advertising Association and a coalition of the world's leading advertising, marketing and media agencies to empower global citizens to ensure the world's leaders make the right choices for our planet and our future."

Is it bad form to dip into books that you buy as gifts for other people? Probably. Never mind, I couldn’t resist. Embracing the Wide Sky is the second book by amazing Daniel Tammet, who is ‘a high-functioning autistic savant gifted with a facility for mathematical and natural language learning’.

CIBA Specialty Chemical is engaged in a major change initiative — and using emotional intelligence to accelerate the process. The commitment to EQ assisted the CIBA team to achieve important business goals — for example, over two years, productivity increased by 18% while simultaneously reducing complaints by 73%.
Read the rest of this entry »

I just got back from a presentation. It went well but my perfectionist voice harps incessantly. Did that one participant need more time to grapple with an exercise? Should I have tried the roleplay together instead of letting them work separately? Since each group reacts to exercises uniquely, it is impossible to control outcomes. I’m glad I have high standards and seek to constantly tweak and improve my workshops. But it is also helpful to remember that true perfectionism can be damaging. It can cause us to procrastinate and it can rob us of enjoying our real achievements.

I am a lousy vegetable gardener. I’ve never been formally taught and since I don’t use pesticides, it is even harder to ensure a crop. But every year I learn more and every year my family enjoys fresh lettuce, broccoli, rapini, Swiss chard, peas, beans, tomatoes, cucumbers, arugula, peppers, and (if I’m lucky and outwit the nasty squash vine borer) zucchini. My garden isn’t organized; sometimes the plants grow too close. Tomato plants have sprawled on the ground, propped up by a cockeyed collection of poles or milk crates. My focus on the vegetable beds can leave little time to weed and other areas of the yard look messy. But because gardening is a hobby that doesn’t trigger my perfectionism, I continue despite my (very obvious) mistakes and enjoy whatever the garden yields.

I continue to work to be a smarter, more productive gardener but I am also able to celebrate each delectable success.

How good are you at balancing the quest for high standards with allowing the flow of natural learning, mistakes, and life’s unpredictability?

© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

We’re in the midst of collecting responses on the 2009 Workplace Issues Survey

Here’s a “teaser” of some results. Interestingly despite current economic pressure, thus far this year the vast majority of responses still focus on the “people side” — for example, based on rough calculations from responses to date….

• 89% say employee’s feelings are “important” or “essential” to solving the issues the organization faces
• 91% report that “emotional intelligence” skills are “important” or “essential” to solving the issues the organization faces
• The “people issues” are perceived to be about 63% more significant than “technical issues”
• Only 9% report that they’ve received training to effectively deal with the issues they’re facing
• And by about a 20% margin, “mentoring” is perceived as the most effective way for people to develop the needed capacity to deal with all these issues!

Here are the top scoring words from comments so far (bigger is more frequent)…Graphic created with Wordle

What are the top issues you’re facing at work?  Are they “technical,” “people,” or something else?
Do feelings matter?  Please share your views on the survey — and invite colleagues to do the same!

http://www.6seconds.org/wi

Ace was a better tennis player than his sister Sophie. He usually won their bi-weekly games. Then Sophie decided to take some lessons. She had taught herself to play and now she really wanted to improve her game. Her instructor required Sophie to take apart her swing, and her abilities deteriorated. Ace teased his sister mercilessly but she persevered. Week after week, Ace demolished her on the court. Then slowly Sophie’s game improved. Soon she was back to her former ability and then, rapidly, she became much more skilled than her brother. Sophie’s technique was consistent. Her serve was impossible to return. She played with less effort but more accuracy. Ace was forced to run the court from side to side since Sophie knew how to place the ball just out of his reach. Ace could no longer compete with her.

To improve our skills in any endeavor, we often have to sacrifice our old habits and familiar outcomes. We may be more prone to mistakes at first, but if we are willing to question and dismantle our attitudes, beliefs, and knowledge, we can develop abilities that are even more advanced.

What is your experience with learning a new, more beneficial habit or way of thinking?

I’d like to write several posts about this — about how EQ helps us plan for change, how it is key to our resiliency, and how it’s essential for leading change.  But for today I’ll focus on how this intelligence can give us insight, or understanding.

Change is confusing.  While we’re fabulous at change, usually, sometimes we get stuck.  Then it’s hard!  What’s happening to us in that process, and what intelligence can we apply to unwind the knot?

I like way that William Bridges explains that when we face change, there are two parts.  One part one is the change itself which often happens at a certain point in time — the day you get your pink slip, the moment you see the officer at your door with tragic news on his face, the last cigarette you smoke before quitting, the day you get on that flight to a new city.  These changes can be planned or unplanned, happy or sad, they’re a fact of life and while we can resist, they don’t stop.

The other part is the transition.  The transition usually starts well before the change and continues long after.  My dad died nearly a year ago and I still am in this transition.  I changed jobs 13 years ago and it took 10 for the transition to be complete (-ish).

The change is largely factual.  The transition is largely emotional.

The change is often driven externally.  The transition is internal.

We can understand the change with IQ.  Understanding the transition takes EQ.

When we’re stuck in the process, usually it’s in the transition.  Then we try to back out of the change.  We get scared.  Then the voices of the apocalypse* start in.. But that’s irrational!  Stop being so stupid, just do it.   It’s only a little ____. There must be something wrong with me.

Because we’re “supposed to be smarter than that,” and we have not sufficiently developed EQ, we find this state of confusion very very problematic.  We analyze more, but the more we analyze the more we get this particular cork stuck in the bottle:  We’re analyzing away, but the issue is not intellectual.  It’s not an IQ problem.

So we flail around, the voices of the apocalypse get louder, and we get mad at ourselves – and mad at others – and jealous – because we perceive our path is blocked.  This should be easier!  Why can’t I be ___er??

Over time (sometimes short time), we feel helpless and sad.  I’m GREAT at change, I’ve accomplished SO MUCH, but I can’t even ___???  I’ve tried 100 times, nothing works.

Then we protect ourselves from these unpleasant feelings, usually by distracting ourselves (shopping, hanging out at the bar, blogging — ahem!)  Or by acting out (other destruction), or acting in (self destruction).

What a mess!  What if there were a way for us to tune into these transitions, value and honor the emotional challenge, and deal with the feelings rather than pretending to deal with the facts?

By the way, here’s a paradoxical * about the word apocalypse.  We use it to mean end of the world, but it actually means “revelation.”  Maybe those “irrational” voices are not the words of doom, but revelations of those deep fears and uncertainties that can teach us, protect us, and keep us focused on what’s truly most important as we navigate change?

This is an excerpt from a keynote for young executives in the Malaysian government (aka “emerging leaders”).  My goal in this session was to engage them to consider how they show up as leaders and the opportunity offered by using emotions more consciously and effectively.

The clip starts with our “EQ-Performance Chain” which shows how emotions are critical for driving results — then goes into a brief overview of the Six Seconds Model.  Later in the talk I go into a little more detail on each of Know, Choose, and Give yourself with a few interactive discussions, video clips, and activities.