This quote really rings true to me.  How about you?  (It also metaphorically describes the biology of habits and neural pathways.)

“As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.” Henry David Thoreau

Your thoughts are like commuters on a bus. You are the driver of the bus. The passengers may make critical, abusive, intrusive, distracting, and shouting directions as you drive. You can ignore these comments.  You can allow these passengers to shout noisily while keeping your attention focused on the road ahead.  You can focus on keeping the bus heading towards your goal or value.

©lewis-barr (Adapted from Hayes et al 1999 and Carol Vivyan 2009)

Emotional Intelligence explores how thoughts create feelings.  Here’s a deceptively simple tool.  When I’m caught in a worry cycle, I can use this flowchart as a good reminder.  I can examine my situation and take action.  One action is changing my thoughts –which will change my feelings.

We’ve all worked for or with those leaders whose first priority seems to be garnering credit and praise — so what is it that lets a rare few truly galvanize others around the mission? While the archetypal CEO is brash, even arrogant, and struggling to appear powerful, the real stars have an ancient and invaluable gift: Humility. EQ leadership consultant Bruna Martinuzzi - author of The Leader as a Mensch – offers a practical guide to this essential attribute of Level 5 Leaders.

Many years ago, one of my university professors mentioned that “windowsill” was voted the most beautiful word in the English language. Being an armchair linguist, this factoid naturally stayed with me. Words have enormous power. They can make us erupt into laughter or bring tears to our eyes. They can influence, inspire, manipulate and shock. They can build and destroy. Some words have different effects on different people. One such word is humility. It is one of those words that are seldom in neutral gear. Some, like me, love the word and all it stands for. Some almost fear it and interpret it synonymously with lack of self-confidence or timidity.

The dictionary defines humility as someone who is modest, who lacks pretense, someone who does not believe that he or she is superior to others. An ancillary definition includes: “Having a lowly opinion of oneself, meekness.” The word humility first struck me in the context of leadership when Jim Collins mentioned it in his seminal work Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and Others Don’t.[1] In this book, Collins examined companies that went from good to great by sustaining 15-year cumulative stock returns at or below the general stock market, and after a transition point, cumulative returns at least three times the market over the next 15 years. Among the many characteristics that distinguished these companies from others is that they all had a Level 5 leader. Level 5 leaders direct their ego away from themselves to the larger goal of leading their company to greatness. These leaders are a complex, paradoxical mix of intense professional will and extreme personal humility. They will create superb results but shun public adulation, and are never boastful. They are described as modest. An example of such a leader who epitomized humility is David Packard, the co-founder of Hewlett-Packard, who, in Jim Collins’ words, defined himself as a HP man first and a CEO second. He was a man of the people, practicing management by walking around. Shunning all manner of publicity, Packard is quoted as saying: “You shouldn’t gloat about anything you’ve done; you ought to keep going and find something better to do.”

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Despite all our technological advances, isn’t life still full of mystery?  One enigma is our emotional inconsistency.  Some days we are the essence of centeredness and calm.  Then, out of seemingly nowhere, we are quick to explode.  We may be expert at hiding our emotional eruptions.  But even if they aren’t apparent to others, we know (if we’re honest with ourselves) that our inner switch is flipped—we’re enraged, furious, incensed.  Then we feel ashamed.  We deny our feelings to others and our self.  But do we take the time to ask—why does this situation lead to a sudden burst of anger?

Emotions don’t always give us “accurate” information about our environment but if we learn to use this unique internal software, we can benefit from our emotional data.  Through trial and error, we can learn our personal “program.”  We can repair any “faulty wiring” and analyze the emotional reports generated moment by moment.  Then we can use our emotions as an internal GPS—a guide through the dizzying array of choices we face everyday.

This week, on two different occasions, I was uncharacteristically outraged.  As I thought about each event, I realized that my anger was recurring –and growing.

My short fuse shows me that my choices aren’t working.  In one case, I’ve found myself fuming after a prospective buyer is a ½ hour late for a showing of our home.  Why such an over-reaction?  It “shouldn’t be” such a big deal.  Then I realize that after a year of showing the house, I’ve become more frazzled and frustrated with the endless trials of selling a house.  My emotions tell me, “Enough!   It is time to give up (for now).”

My other challenge is a relationship.  I’ve tried to “make it work” but my reactions give me another message.  I’m not weathering minor conflicts well.  Each small struggle seems huge to me.  I’m quick to feel outrage, to sulk, or brood over an injustice that, in other situations, I’d barely notice.  When I think of ending our contact, my anger subsides and I immediately feel calm.   I may argue that I “shouldn’t” let this friendship end.  Maybe I “shouldn’t.”  But if I’ve worked through my psychological blind spots (an ongoing task), my current emotions may discern more about a situation than I (as yet) consciously understand.  It may be months or years before I finally comprehend what my unconscious emotional self knew all along.

I don’t like being angry. (Who does?) Rage is murder on the immune system and people don’t like a furious person.  But anger gets my attention.  It’s like a good friend who will tell me the truth, even when I don’t want to hear it.

All emotions send us daily data that we can use for better living.  Are you utilizing the messages of your emotions–your internal GPS?

Warmly yours,

- Tom

Tom Wojick is Senior Consultant for Six Seconds; previously he was a senior executive in healthcare.

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person.  Still, in some situations, my brain doesn’t work well.  I struggle with simple math calculations.  And I get lost.  A lot.  Yesterday I walked a mile in the wrong direction until I slowly understood my error.  At first, I denied the possibility.  I’ve always turned left at that intersection.  I know I turn left.  If the street looks different today, it’s because I’m walking instead of driving.

I plodded along looking for landmarks.  Finally, I asked for help, but when the driver pointed in the opposite direction, I didn’t believe him!  My brain couldn’t compute that I was going in the wrong direction. (Can we say cognitive dissonance?)    I continued walking.  But after several others confirmed my error, I stopped.  I stood still, in the middle of the urban jungle, trying to comprehend how my sense of direction could be so wrong.  I was only duplicating my previous travel to this site.

If only I could understand what happened.  But even without understanding, I now had to face the truth.  I had walked at least a mile in the hot sun.  Now I was even further from my goal.  I had given myself ample travel time but now I would be late.  I couldn’t be late—I was the one with the key !  I am never late!  That is why I gave myself 2 hours to reach this appointment.

I trudged along.  I had just missed the bus (of course).

As I walked in dismay, I suddenly realized my simple error.  It is the error I always make when I get lost and it is the error I never see or anticipate.  I had made an assumption.  My assumption was so rapid and unconscious I didn’t even know it was there.  I had assumed that I was coming from the same direction but now I wondered–had the train left me off at the same spot as my car route?  It had looked the same.  The train ran along the same highway I had taken previously.  I had scanned the intersection, confirming my route.   I had exited at this spot many times.  But there were no buildings as landmarks.  And then I remembered!  The “Blue  Line” train moves in a “U” shape.  My inaccurate assumption:  visualizing myself coming from home (west), when in fact, I had been turned around downtown.

I have a bad habit of making these kind of assumptions when I travel in unfamiliar places.  I always see myself as coming from the North or West and never think to question this.

Do I also make similar (unconscious) assumptions when I talk or listen to others?

One more realization emerged from this adventure.  Although I was traveling to an unfamiliar place, I had chosen trains I had taken before.  Later, I realized that other routes, using buses, would have been far easier and more direct.  I had followed the most familiar path available, never questioning other options.

It was a strange, woozy feeling to suddenly see my assumptions—the “sea I swim in.”  It was both embarrassing and exhilarating.   The world suddenly opened up, past my pre-conceptions.

When the events in your life attempt to point you in another direction, are you willing to question your assumptions?

© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

It had been a long grueling day at a conference.  I was happy to see taxis waiting just outside and rushed to grab one.  But I was also a Chicago gal, and I feared getting stung on an unknown rate.  I always ask cabbies what they charge before I get into their car.  I marched up to the first cabbie.

He mumbled, “I’m not sure, it’s a meter.”

Nope.  I wasn’t going to do that.  I walked down the row to the next cab.  He was asking too much money.  I moved to the next cab.  His fare sounded reasonable but as I moved to get into the car, he moved slowly forward to follow the line of cabs.  I followed him.  Finally, a ride toward home!

As I approached the car door, a large union worker barked at me.

“There’s a line here!  You need to get in line!”

Was it my great fatigue, or was it anger at the accusation?  I wasn’t the type to cut in line.  I hadn’t noticed any line.  My voice was strong and fierce.

“I’ve been here! I was here before the others!”

I moved to the cab again.

“You need to get in line!”

I wasn’t going to fight with the burly union worker.  There was one woman waiting for a cab.  I stood behind her.

“Go ahead,” she said kindly.

Again, I moved to the cab.

“You need to—“  The union worker was yelling now.

“She told me to take this cab!”  I was almost pleading.  What was going on?

“How should I know that?”  He bellowed and continued to complain to himself and others.

Finally, I got into the cab.

I told the driver my destination.  He repeated it, using a slightly different name.  I confirmed.  We drove in silence.

I’ve always been nervous taking cabs.  I prefer to walk if I can.  Now we were driving in an unknown part of town.  I repeated my destination.

“I know where I’m going,” he said, “just let me drive!”

I was shocked by his angry tone.  Chicago cabbies could be tough but this seemed extreme.  We continued through unknown streets.  He wanted me to be quiet but I wasn’t going to risk a misunderstanding and an unwanted destination.

“I’m sorry,” I started, “but I want to make sure we’re going to Union Station.  I don’t recognize where we’re going.”

“I know where we are going.  This is the route I always take.  If you want to get out of the cab now, I can stop now.  Don’t tell me how to drive.”

What could I do?  I was driving with an enraged cabbie in a dodgy, unfamiliar neighborhood.  Still, I had learned to be strong in the city and not let myself be a victim.  Also, my taxi ride that morning had taken me to the wrong spot.

“I just want to make sure that—“

“Listen lady, just because you’re having a hard day and you’re screaming at everyone else, doesn’t mean that you get to scream at me.  I won’t take it.  I won’t.  You don’t get to throw your garbage at me.”

I sat stunned.  This was a bad dream.  Yelled at by the union worker, and now this cabbie.  Even though my tone had been soft and civil, he assumed I was a raving witch.  How had I seemed to him earlier, as I struggled outside his cab?

I kept quiet.  The cabbie continued to berate me, and then also grew quiet.    I saw we were nearing Union Station.  I gathered my bags.

“Have a good day, lady.”  He said.  Was he feeling sorry for his tirade or just sorry for the angry woman with a bad attitude?

I hesitated.  I had a choice:  create more anger or seek peace?

I took a deep breath.  “You have a good day too.”

We see all events through a prism of our history, our current mood, and our beliefs.   I saw myself as a tired commuter, unaware of the taxi line protocol.  To the cabbie, I was a pushy woman who abused his friend, the union enforcer.   Our communication was further complicated by my fears of taxi rides and (probably) the cabbie’s own challenging day.

My cab “disaster” was a vivid lesson showing me how all interactions are a complex mix of conscious and unconscious attitudes and assumptions.  Even though I felt mistreated by the cabbie and the enforcer, I suddenly realized that they were only trying to do their jobs and each saw me as a rule-breaker.

I doubt that I’ll ever see either Chicagoan again.  But the event helps me remember that we each see the world differently.  Keeping this in mind can help me communicate with more compassion and help bring more harmony to my tiny corner of world.

I have been so heartened by hearing President Obama talk about looking for empathy as one attribute when choosing a Supreme Court Judge–one of our leaders of the United States. In fact, I have heard the word coming up so frequently in many discussions and presentations. I do not remember hearing such an emphasis on empathy. Perhaps it was a “given” that we would look for leaders who had empathy, but to hear it is amazing to me.

When reflecting on the various leaders with whom I have worked I would say that without exception, empathy was one of the important attributes of each of the leaders. I know I have had some nay-sayers say that a leader needs to be strong, not too sensitive. “You cannot always “tune in” to the needs of others,” is a comment I have heard frequently. Conversely, I would say that the leaders with whom I felt valued and respected were empathic—and did not apologize for being so.

I have been thinking about New Year’s Eve for many days. My husband, Bob, and I joined his parents at a lovely gathering with friends in North Carolina. Laughter, great food, and dominoes were all part of the agenda of the celebration of the new year’s birth. However, what really punctuated the evening was an emaciated, tired, hunting dog who came upon their property. Seemingly “out of the blue” this dog lumbered onto the property with sad eyes and even sadder physique. He was in need of much attention. Who knew how long he had been lost? By the looks of this kind and gentle dog time and the elements had worn him down to a pitiful sight.

Now I must confess that I do not feel confident enough about my dominoes game playing so that might have had something to do with the fact that I had to retreat to the front porch where the dog was residing. I noticed he was shaking and so I asked for a towel or blanket to cover him. This needy dog needed someone who cared to sit with him and watch him sleep. Intermittently, I rejoined the party and many people asked about how the dog was doing. The owner of the house called the numbers on the dog’s collar to let the owners know that their dog had wandered off and the people at those numbers did not seem to have the appropriate response. We wondered if they had been drinking too much that evening as they had slurred words. The police, an animal control organization was called, etc. What I noticed throughout the evening was that the empathy for the dog was growing—-people expressing disbelief that the owner did not want to immediately retrieve their dog, the police did not want to take the dog and so on. The attendees at the party were conversing about how they felt about this poor unfortunate dog. What I was so taken with was that the gentleman who owned the house, my parents-in-laws dear friend, continued his quest to find a safe place for the dog. He could have easily turned away from that responsibility. He truly cared about that dog—his empathy “shining through.” Also my father-in-law checked in with the dog and me as we were sitting on the porch.

Someone mentioned about this “gift” of the dog that evening. Yes, I feel that the dog was gift. It was a check-in for all of us to live our values. When we see a child, adult, animal, etc., who is in need it is all part of our collective culture of values that we care for each other. Just so you know the outcome of this story… on the road back to Houston we got a call from my father-in-law saying that the owners came the next morning to pick up their dog. I hope when they look in those sad and gentle eyes of their dog they soon realize that their dog is and was truly a gift for the new year.

I love this poem.  It succinctly explains the work of Emotional Intelligence.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place but, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. my eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

I”m not close with one of my sisters. This is a painful truth. I could give you theories to explain why we’ve grown distant but that could take days. When family (or workplace) relationships disintegrate, it takes time. Trust is lost and then more trust is lost until a canyon of suspicion separates us and obliterates bridges of empathy and understanding.

I’ve been getting requests for training in motivation. Many employers seem mystified-how can they get their workers to care? A complex question! And I’m reminded of my struggles with my sister. It’s tempting to blame her but I know that we have both created our relationship. Workplace dynamics are equally complicated. Employers often hope for a magic wand to transform their “lazy” workers into enthusiastic employees. But, unless a disengaged worker is simply unwilling to work (rare), the employer is probably contributing to the problem. To motivate workers, employers may need to start with changing themselves. Have they taken the time to know the employee and see what intrinsically motivates him/her? Is the company creating a product or service that the employee can offer with pride? Has the employee received enough feedback and training to do his/her job? Is this employee the right person for the job?

The bad news is that recovering lost trust and interpersonal harmony is hard work. The good news is–each side has the ability to improve the frustrating situation. For my sister and I–we may achieve only a truce. But at least we know we’re both responsible for our struggles. We begin with that knowledge.

Nurturing a positive workplace culture unleashes creativity and enthusiasm. Such a transformation will not be instant, but it can happen if employers seek to change not only their employees, but also themselves.

Every Emotion has a Purpose is a basic tenet of Emotional Intelligence.  I thought of this today when I heard about  a study quoted on national news: “Bad moods can actually be good for you, with an Australian study finding that being sad makes people less gullible, improves their ability to judge others and also boosts memory.”

Here’s another quote:  “…research suggests that sadness … promotes information processing strategies best suited to dealing with more demanding situations.”

Good to know that my moods can provide some benefits at work!

You can read the entire article here.

You have a tremendous power to heal others.

Listen to them.

Without interrupting.

Watch what happens!