I have been so heartened by hearing President Obama talk about looking for empathy as one attribute when choosing a Supreme Court Judge–one of our leaders of the United States. In fact, I have heard the word coming up so frequently in many discussions and presentations. I do not remember hearing such an emphasis on empathy. Perhaps it was a “given” that we would look for leaders who had empathy, but to hear it is amazing to me.

When reflecting on the various leaders with whom I have worked I would say that without exception, empathy was one of the important attributes of each of the leaders. I know I have had some nay-sayers say that a leader needs to be strong, not too sensitive. “You cannot always “tune in” to the needs of others,” is a comment I have heard frequently. Conversely, I would say that the leaders with whom I felt valued and respected were empathic—and did not apologize for being so.

I have been thinking about New Year’s Eve for many days. My husband, Bob, and I joined his parents at a lovely gathering with friends in North Carolina. Laughter, great food, and dominoes were all part of the agenda of the celebration of the new year’s birth. However, what really punctuated the evening was an emaciated, tired, hunting dog who came upon their property. Seemingly “out of the blue” this dog lumbered onto the property with sad eyes and even sadder physique. He was in need of much attention. Who knew how long he had been lost? By the looks of this kind and gentle dog time and the elements had worn him down to a pitiful sight.

Now I must confess that I do not feel confident enough about my dominoes game playing so that might have had something to do with the fact that I had to retreat to the front porch where the dog was residing. I noticed he was shaking and so I asked for a towel or blanket to cover him. This needy dog needed someone who cared to sit with him and watch him sleep. Intermittently, I rejoined the party and many people asked about how the dog was doing. The owner of the house called the numbers on the dog’s collar to let the owners know that their dog had wandered off and the people at those numbers did not seem to have the appropriate response. We wondered if they had been drinking too much that evening as they had slurred words. The police, an animal control organization was called, etc. What I noticed throughout the evening was that the empathy for the dog was growing—-people expressing disbelief that the owner did not want to immediately retrieve their dog, the police did not want to take the dog and so on. The attendees at the party were conversing about how they felt about this poor unfortunate dog. What I was so taken with was that the gentleman who owned the house, my parents-in-laws dear friend, continued his quest to find a safe place for the dog. He could have easily turned away from that responsibility. He truly cared about that dog—his empathy “shining through.” Also my father-in-law checked in with the dog and me as we were sitting on the porch.

Someone mentioned about this “gift” of the dog that evening. Yes, I feel that the dog was gift. It was a check-in for all of us to live our values. When we see a child, adult, animal, etc., who is in need it is all part of our collective culture of values that we care for each other. Just so you know the outcome of this story… on the road back to Houston we got a call from my father-in-law saying that the owners came the next morning to pick up their dog. I hope when they look in those sad and gentle eyes of their dog they soon realize that their dog is and was truly a gift for the new year.

I love this poem.  It succinctly explains the work of Emotional Intelligence.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place but, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. my eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

I”m not close with one of my sisters. This is a painful truth. I could give you theories to explain why we’ve grown distant but that could take days. When family (or workplace) relationships disintegrate, it takes time. Trust is lost and then more trust is lost until a canyon of suspicion separates us and obliterates bridges of empathy and understanding.

I’ve been getting requests for training in motivation. Many employers seem mystified-how can they get their workers to care? A complex question! And I’m reminded of my struggles with my sister. It’s tempting to blame her but I know that we have both created our relationship. Workplace dynamics are equally complicated. Employers often hope for a magic wand to transform their “lazy” workers into enthusiastic employees. But, unless a disengaged worker is simply unwilling to work (rare), the employer is probably contributing to the problem. To motivate workers, employers may need to start with changing themselves. Have they taken the time to know the employee and see what intrinsically motivates him/her? Is the company creating a product or service that the employee can offer with pride? Has the employee received enough feedback and training to do his/her job? Is this employee the right person for the job?

The bad news is that recovering lost trust and interpersonal harmony is hard work. The good news is–each side has the ability to improve the frustrating situation. For my sister and I–we may achieve only a truce. But at least we know we’re both responsible for our struggles. We begin with that knowledge.

Nurturing a positive workplace culture unleashes creativity and enthusiasm. Such a transformation will not be instant, but it can happen if employers seek to change not only their employees, but also themselves.

Every Emotion has a Purpose is a basic tenet of Emotional Intelligence.  I thought of this today when I heard about  a study quoted on national news: “Bad moods can actually be good for you, with an Australian study finding that being sad makes people less gullible, improves their ability to judge others and also boosts memory.”

Here’s another quote:  “…research suggests that sadness … promotes information processing strategies best suited to dealing with more demanding situations.”

Good to know that my moods can provide some benefits at work!

You can read the entire article here.

You have a tremendous power to heal others.

Listen to them.

Without interrupting.

Watch what happens!

One of my triggers is a desire to “fight for my rights” if I sense that I’m not supported in my work.  My fight response may manifest subtly as a tenacious search for an “unavailable” library book or the dogged pursuit of information from a tight-lipped colleague.  But underneath my smiling mask, I’m angry and even a bit paranoid at my treatment.  Why is this book unavailable when I know interlibrary loan has hundreds of copies to share?  Previously, the librarian had seemed miffed at my voracious reading habit.  Are her curt responses a way to dissuade my extensive borrowing?  Or am I imagining this?   Just because I’m (somewhat) paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get me…..

One of the many benefits of EI is that, knowing my patterns, I can question my assumptions and try to avoid overreacting to real or imagined threats.  While I mostly relate with patience and kindness to others, if I’m triggered, my distrust looms large.  Suddenly simple conversations become minefields.  I expect the worst and then….I get it.  Instead of peaceful and pleasant exchanges, I find that others are angry and unreasonable.  Why won’t they help me get what I need?

It’s remarkable to realize that even when I try to hide my fear or anger, others sense it and react.  Because we are all civilized humans, our squirmishes can be extremely subtle and happen in a microsecond.  We may be smiling but through tiny shifts of nonverbals and inflections, we’ll send a message covertly.  The true dimensions of our fight happen outside our awareness.  Then we can each feel innocent and victimized.

I’ve learned through much inner work that I can trust my intuitions.  I’m not crazy.  My librarian may indeed be thwarting my desires.  But even if she is, my inner reactions say more about my own psyche than the outward situation.  Why are my reactions to this so strong?  (No one else might see it, but I know I’ve been triggered.)   My book requests are important to me.  They represent a chance at learning and growth and advancement.  I’ve coached myself throughout this past year to not react too strongly when “Rita” seems to avoid my requests.  When she wouldn’t answer my emails, I went to her office and had a pleasant visit.  Another time, when she seemed upset, I brought cookies.  We’ve had great chats and my book crisis seemed solved–my patience rewarded.  But then I get another cryptic email and my anger and despair rush forward.

I’ll keep working on my reactions.  Rita may be slow to help, or maybe I continue to misread her communications.  Whatever the case, these events offer great stories for my training and a hefty opportunity to explore some “hot” wiring in my psyche.  And my discomfort?  A wise teacher once helped me see that my discomfort is a form of grief –in this case, grief from some past injustice.  She told me that if I could simply allow myself to feel this pain, i.e. to grieve, my feelings would dissipate and lose their hold.  A simple concept and so hard to do!  But she was right. As I feel these difficult emotions, they pass through me and I grow stronger.

I write to remind myself of what I already know.  To encourage myself to feel my grief when I want to wring Rita’s neck.  It’s a small thing, a library book, but the small moments can teach us the most.  Huge events can be too overwhelming.  Or we rationalize and say that our extreme reactions are justified because the issue is so big.

What small events push your buttons? Is there grief hiding under your anger?

Does your company use assessments such as the Myers Briggs tool?  Many of my clients use these measurements to build empathy.  Through them, employees learn that their different styles of communication are all acceptable and “normal.”

Lately, I’ve realized that differences in our emotional reactions can also be seen as a “style” issue.  Some of us naturally want to “fight” if we feel threatened while others withdraw in “flight.”  In the workplace, both fight and flight can be very subtle:  a look, a few words, or a tone of voice.  But if we are honest with ourselves, we can discover the hidden impulse of fight or flight in some of our reactions.

Fighters (my own tendency) can see themselves as passionate and feel that those who withdraw “don’t care.”  Flee-ers want to keep the atmosphere pleasant and may see Fighters as destructive and out of control.  Today I’m feeling more empathy for a co-worker who withdraws.  I had thought he “didn’t care.”  What a relief to realize that we show our care in different ways.

The daily work of EI never ends….

What is your experience of fight or flight at work or home?

Six Seconds Network member Shahnaz Bahman shared this article she wrote for Woman this Month magazine.  Are You an Emotionally Intelligent Parent? (PDF)

We honor writers and musicians who bare their souls. We gravitate toward speakers or colleagues who share their deepest selves, warts and all. So why, after decades of self-disclosure, is it so hard for me to trust that I won’t be judged for what I reveal?

It isn’t that I don’t disclose. I do. I reveal my inner world to friends and colleagues, as a blogger, and in my training seminars. I’ve always been emotionally literate and have valued sharing my “true” self. When I discovered the field of EI, I felt immediately at home. But…. I’m aware enough to sense my desire to hold back details. And lately, I’ve sensed a slight inner queasiness after self-disclosure. Is this because I’ve moved from the realm of fiction (my work as playwright where I could hide behind characters) to nonfiction (myself as the canvas).

What do you think about self-disclosure?

The inner world is incredible, wondrous, and mysterious, isn’t it? Suddenly tonight (after taking some vital R & R) I finally see the connection between my striving and my deep loneliness. (How’s that for self-disclosure? I’ll probably feel unsettled about that one tomorrow).

You may suggest that my discomfort illustrates I’m sharing too much. Maybe…. But I’m not naïve enough to want to share everything. I understand healthy boundaries. Perhap I’m learning to trust more. Maybe I’m suffering as an athlete does and I’m building stamina and trust. Perhaps there is no way around this psychological vertigo (at least for my own psychology).

What are your rules about self-disclosure?

Dr. Gary Small’s iBrain: Surviving the Technological Alteration of the Modern Mind suggests that current brain research reveals that “digital natives” may be developing different brains than Baby Boomers.  A  Newsweek article explains:

Small says these differences are likely to be even more profound across generations, because younger people are exposed to more technology from an earlier age than older people. He refers to this as the brain gap. On one side, what he calls digital natives—those who have never known a world without e-mail and text messaging—use their superior cognitive abilities to make snap decisions and juggle multiple sources of sensory input. On the other side, digital immigrants—those who witnessed the advent of modern technology long after their brains had been hardwired—are better at reading facial expressions than they are at navigating cyberspace.

Small speculates that when younger people spend lots of time using technology, they may be neglecting the neural circuits that we use in social situations. Through practice with others, we learn to read nonverbal cues. But what happens if young people are spending much less time with others? Since there is a “pruning away” of under-used synapses during adolescence, Small wonders if younger generations may be deficient in social skills like empathy because they are spending so much time online. He describes one study in which students played violent videogames before viewing facial expressions. After playing the games, the students had a marked reduction in their ability to accurately recognize the faces. Dr. Small suggests that digital natives may need “empathy upgrades.” © 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

On of our network members, Shabbir Latif, wrote this reflection about putting emotional intelligence into action:

I live in San Jose and work in Soledad (90 miles) away where I rent a room for four days during week. When I first started working in Soledad, I used to go swimming at a 24 Hrs Fitness center in Salinas, about 25miles away. I have been swimming regularly since when I was a kid and this 25 miles drive was acceptable. During my workout, I swim different strokes, including butterfly. One day as I was swimming butterfly, I was stopped by a lady, she said it was against pool etiquette to swim butterfly. I was aghast, I thought, “What does she mean against pool etiquette. I have been swimming all my life and never heard of any such claim!” The first couple of times I switched to a different stroke. When this happened more than twice, I decided that I had enough.

I used to swim butterfly three-quarters of the way in my set. The lady entered the pool about that time. One day before I started my swim, I asked people around if they mind my swimming butterfly. Everybody I asked responded in negative. One person even said not to worry about that lady, “She complains all the time.” That day when I was stopped by the lady once more, I told her that I had asked everybody and nobody has any problem; so I don’t see any problem and just continued swimming butterfly. The lady shouted “#%@x you” at me, when I left the pool. Obviously this shook me up even more. While I was showering I started thinking, “Hey I am facilitating groups on anger management and conflict resolution, what am I doing? I will be thinking about this problem when ever I come here, and won’t be at peace until it is resolved.” So after my shower, I put my swimsuit on and returned to the pool. The lady had a waist-float and was walking back and forth in the pool. I went straight to her and calmly said, “Excuse me lady, there are enough people fighting in this world; we both come here for our peace of mind so let us resolve this problem. I can see you are bothered by my swimming butterfly.” At first she was still hostile and said she cannot stop from her work out. I got into the pool and started following her while I was talking. After I acknowledge her problem, she agreed and said that I was right, there are two many wars. She explained that she didn’t want to have her hair wet and butterfly created lots of waves. I asked her what day, what time she was coming and that I was coming one day a week and I am willing to accommodate her schedule. Her anger went away and she started advising me that I should swim more often and one day was not enough. In any case, she ended up by stating, I need not worry, there won’t be any problem any more, and that I don’t need to adjust my schedule. We left after knowing ourselves on first name bases.

I didn’t see the lady anymore for several weeks. One day I was late and I met her entering the facility while I was leaving. She greeted me and commented that I was late. I told her that I work in Soledad and sometimes get out late from work. She exclaimed why I was coming all the way here when there a beautiful pool in Soledad. I couldn’t believe her. She said she was a real estate agent and she is sure. Upon checking I discovered that there is pool five minutes from the room I am renting and the Olympic size pool is much more beautiful facility than the little pool at 24 Hrs Fitness.

Just before this incident, I had read, Unlikely Teachers: Finding hidden gifts in daily conflicts by Judi Ringer. I learned my lesson experientially. Judy is an Aikido Grand Master and she says every opponent on the mat has something for us to teach. She continues, “You are practicing Aikido whenever you listen with curiosity to an opposing view or search for mutual understanding, respect, and purpose.
She quotes Einstein,

“From discourse, find harmony.
In the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity.”

Now I not just know about this, I know it. I hope you get a chance to experience this too.
Be in Peace and Grow!

sml:-)
Shabbir M. Latif, M.S. Therapeutic Recreation, CTRS.
Xtra-assist Consulting; shabbir@xtra-assist.com
Six Seconds Certified EQ Associate
Electrical Engineer, Ph.D.

Just finished listening to a great interview on Shrink Rap Radio with Psychologist Elisha Goldstein. Dr. Goldstein’s work focuses on the power of mindfulness meditations to help us combat stress, addictions, and other psychological maladies. Did you know that regular meditation can actually change the brain? Dr. Goldstein shared research from Sara Lazar, Ph.D.

Using MRI brain scans, she (Sara Lazar, Ph.D.) found thicker regions of frontal cortex, regions responsible for reasoning and decision making, in those who had a consistent mindfulness practice compared to those who did not. Additionally, she found a thicker insula, considered to be the central switchboard of the brain that helps us coordinate our thoughts and emotions. (for the entire article read here)

But how do we find time to meditate? Dr. Goldstein offered two choices: “formal,” (sitting down for a specific time) and “informal” practices. The latter focuses on noticing the present moment. A person showering would direct their attention away from future thinking (worries or plans about the day ahead) and to the present moment—the feel of the water or soap on their skin. Dr. Goldstein described a busy mother who used this informal method. She practiced being present with her children, slowing down to look them in the eyes and really listen to their responses. She savored their breakfast time together, noticing each element. This slowing down and meeting each moment is a form of meditation that even busy people can integrate into their lives.

Whether at work or at home, taking time to practice formal or informal “mindfulness” will have powerful effects. Research suggests that even 5 minutes of daily meditations can help us be healthier, happier and more productive, creative, and resilient.

A true story.

Rick and I are selling our home. Several weeks ago, we readied ourselves to interview several realtors. Still, we knew our tendency—to go with the first person we met. That was Bob. Nice guy. After hellos, we sat at our dining table and Bob took us through his glossy brochure. He described his brokerage, his sales strategies, and selling philosophy. Then we paged through the contracts. After an hour, we were ready for a walk-thru. As we pointed out improvements and made excuses for eccentricities, Bob said little. We moved quickly from room to room, shook hands, and Bob left.

“So, he seems ok, right?” Rick knew our busy schedules and how much we both hated this interviewing process.

I wanted to go with Bob so we could be done with interviews, but his silence felt like disinterest, or worse. How could he sell our home if he was apathetic (or appalled)?

I arranged another interview. Denise came over the next evening, while Rick was at a Cubs game.

She shook my hand and launched into the living room. Denise had worked designing new homes. I feared she would detest my unconventional art and my “unusual” design choices. But Denise wasn’t a snob. She immediately began talking about what she saw-the furniture, the colors, the architecture. She “got” my style and offered helpful suggestions to make our home more “mainstream.” We spent two hours, going from room to room.

It was now 9 pm. Denise was in heels, but she impulsively began moving my furniture. I grabbed the other end of a couch so it wouldn’t drag on the oak floors.

“Do you always do this on your first visit?” I teased.

“Only with clients who will let me.”

Denise and I had never sat down. She had never formally pitched herself or her company, but here she was, at the end of a long day, moving furniture throughout my home. Her passion for real estate was palpable.
Rick came home from the game to a newly staged living room.

While Bob seemed competent, ethical and kind, Denise’s incredible zeal closed the deal. From the minute she entered the room, it was clear we would employ her talents and enthusiasm. In all lines of work, there is no substitute for passion.

What are you passionate about? Is there a way to bring your passions to your work?

Came across this message from an author named Saskia Davis:

SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences

An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment

A loss of interest in judging other people

A loss of interest in judging self

A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others

A loss of interest in conflict

A loss of ability to worry

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature

Frequent attacks of smiling

An increasing tendency to let things happen
rather than to make them happen.

An increased susceptibility to love extended by others
as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it

WARNING: Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many already have been exposed; and it is possible that people, everywhere, could come down with it in epidemic proportions.

This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be too far advanced to be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk.

Source (poster of this piece available there): http://symptomsofinnerpeace.net/Authors_Website/Wall_Poster.html