Perhaps self evident: When people are hurt or scared, we often protect ourselves by becoming spiky or hard – creating a shell or a wall. As we shut down our feelings to prevent more distress, we shut down not just the painful feelings but all feelings. As the spikes get sharper, the walls higher, we shut out not just the source of threat but everyone else.
In those times we have a choice — to be protected, isolated, and numb vs vulnerable, open, and vibrant. While the latter sounds more obviously rich, it’s not a trivial risk. When we “know” that the world is dangerous and people are “going to” hurt us, vulnerability isn’t an easy choice.
The paradox is that no matter how sharp the spikes nor high the walls, we’ll never be safe that way. And, even more surprising – even miraculous – is that softening, opening, accepting… walking into the fires of vulnerability we actually find the deeper safety that we crave.
What’s the first step?
July 28th, 2010 at 10:07 am
I totally agree how “walking into the fires” is a requirement of leading a rich and full life. I subscribe to this way of living by creating a meaningful and resiliant boundary system, then acting on it when needed. It’s a meaningful way of connecting with the world through loving self expression.
Thank you for your post!
Warm regards,
Jim
July 29th, 2010 at 12:19 am
My experience of “walking into the fires” comes from a physical, rather than emotional, experience. I would imagine the physical, in this case, was strongly connected to the the emotional.
I grew up in a coastal city, with beautiful beaches but never learnt to swim as a result of being involved in a ‘near drowning’ experience as a young child.
I was 46 years old and living in an extremely cold climate when I decided that I wanted to swim and ‘took the plunge’ with the assistance of a swimming instructor. It took only a few lessons before I was comfortable in the water and learning the basics and more.
I’m not an expert swimmer now, but enjoy the refreshing feeling of being in the water. To do this, I had to overcome my fear of drowning. I did this by exposing myself to experiences where I saw others enjoying themselves in water. Also wanting to experience this enjoyment, I enlisted the help of a competent and sympathetic instructor who was able to assist.
I have applied what I’ve learnt from this experience to other aspects of my life.
Greetings,
Carl
August 1st, 2010 at 9:17 pm
It’s how we perceive it.
Even if the other people may be totally wrong, they don’t think so. So instead of condemning them, let’s understand them. Suppose we had inherited the same body and temperament and mind of that person, we would then be precisely what he was or is and where he was.
We deserve very little credit for being what we are and those who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are.
We need to sympathize with them, for but for the grace of God; I don’t know what I would be.
There must be a reason why the other person thinks and acts as he does. Search out the reason and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.
Try to put yourself in his place.
People are hungering and thirsting for sympathy and we need to give them and not judge them.