I admit it’s a terrible habit – again sitting in a restaurant listening to the next table… but the guy was so loud I could hardly not! Three people, “Joe” and 2 friends, Joe says he’s so glad to see them again and launches into a story. Eventually says, “but I don’t want us to just talk about my stories…” and the proceeds to dominate the conversation for half an hour of virtually nonstop monologue. Every once in a while the others manage to slip in a word but Joe grabs back the conversation. It seems like Joe KNOWS he dominates and has at least a vague intention of sharing the stage, but doesn’t.
So: Is Joe self-aware?
And, if he is, what’s missing?
Sometimes people talk about emotional intelligence as “paying attention to feelings,” which is nice but inadequate. Maybe even useless. We do need to ACCURATELY identify and understand feelings, but I contend that to be “intelligent” we also need to use that data effectively. When we use mathematical intelligence we accurately identify the info and use it to come up with answers that solve problems. How about when we use EQ?
(And, how about my admission of my terrible habit?)
♥
October 20th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Thanks for the blog Josh…
I used to be just like Joe!.. and it is a terrible habit. You’re right, self-awareness isn’t enough, but it is a very important start. That’s why I believe self-awareness is the gateway for all the other emotional and social intelligences.
Next Joe needs some support in getting underneath his habit and understanding it. Why does he continue even when he knows he’s doing it? What is driving this habit? And… like most habits, he needs to know some action steps. He needs to know what he can put in it’s place… and have the knowledge and skill to do it.
He needs to learn a whole new way of being and relating with his friends.
I worked with a personal coach for over 3 years… and made some significant changes. That was over 8 years ago and I’m still working on it. One thing I’ve come to realise is that developing emotional intelligence is a lifelong process – we never stop growing!
The amazing coach who helped me to break this irritating (and anti-social) habit is Anya Sophia Mann and she can be found online at http://www.ConsciousJourney.com
So Joe, if you’re reading this.. don’t despair – there is help out there!!
October 20th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I also listen to conversations at other tables. In fact I’ve been an observer of groups of people for probably all of my life. And why not? It’s absolutely fascinating! I’ve actually given information to people by saying “sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing that you were talking about … xxx … this might help”. No-one has been angry at me, in fact the information has been accepted with delight in most cases.
Er… back to the topic. I wonder why it is that Joe’s friends say nothing to him about his domination? They are obviously bored with his stories … I can see that. And I wonder why, when he realises he dominates, that he is not also aware of the feelings of the others around him?
I agree with Ruth. Joe needs support in getting underneath his habit and understanding it. I like to ask “I am curious about …” questions from my narrative therapy background.
Awareness may not equal emotional intelligence, however it does give some hope to the Joe’s of the world that they are a little closer to understanding themselves.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Reading this story it occurred to me I may sometimes behave like Joe. If and when I do, it usually is because I am so excited about something and want to share it immediately. The conversational give-and-take dance is a subtle and often tricky one. I admit I can be somewhat domineering at times and I like to tell a good story. But during the last 10 – 15 years( I am in my sixties) I have consciously kept quiet to allow others to speak. It’s OK not to always have your say.
Now, I do have a friend who is at least a hundred times worse than I am. She loudly proclaims her opinions and beliefs and tells her stories and doesn’t know when to pause or ask a question to ‘draw’ out other people. She also has the habit of raising the volume when someone else tries to get a few points or a story in. I recently found out why.
During a car trip, I was driving, she talked, as she often does, about her family of origin. She told me there were always 10 people at the dinner table; parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters and various other relatives.
My friend was the youngest in the group. (She is in her sixties now) To be heard at all, she had to raise her voice and be persistent. I.e. not stop talking when someone else wanted to say something. She learned to just keep going. And to raise her voice.
I took the opportunity to share my insight about this pattern in her speech and she was surprised. She knew she could be domineering, but she did not realize she also raises her voice when anyone else tries to say something. As we know Awareness and Acceptance are the first steps to changing habits so there’s hope for all the talkers out there.
That said I also would like to point out it is up to the other people to be assertive and tell the domineering person what he or she is doing. In a nice way of course.
With good friends you can even develop a secret code to remind the friend to ‘shut up’.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:44 am
Hi Yolanthe – perhaps the “measure of the dance” is not just how we interact at one meal or one car ride, but how we share over those decades of relationship?
I’m reminded that we’ve (Patty & I) been talking to our kids about “playing conversation ball” and the idea that we “pass you the ball” then you “pass it back.” We’re trying to teach them to engage in social conversation appropriately, challenging, esp when they’re a little uncomfortable. Both highly intelligent people, and one is a bit of an introvert + perfectionist + concrete thinking — so she doesn’t handle “spontaneous” so well. So we’re experimenting with ways for both of them to learn how to pick up and add to a conversation.
- Josh
October 21st, 2009 at 11:23 am
Joshua, what a great story to share and question to ask!
I think Joe is self-aware, to an extent. I think it’s the extent that matters. Ruth, I think you nail it, Joe needs to take his awareness to the next level. Why is he talking about himself?
My initial take on how Joe could turn awareness into EQ: He’d figure out the why, and probably realize it has something to do with wanting to be heard or understood by his friends. Then, hopefully with enough awareness, he’d realize that clogging up the conversation actually hurts his case, because instead of truly listening, his friends are probably distracted by some annoyance, maybe even resentment. So in the end, they’re not really getting to know him the way he’d like for it to happen. And his excessive story-talk probably gets in the way of expressing himself they way that he really wants to.
But that’s just one possibility, and I don’t really know Joe! Still, thanks for the interesting discussion!
October 21st, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I agree is takes more than self awareness to be EQ. And, being aware of one’s behavior is not the same thing as being aware of one’s emotions. I’m curious as to what emotion is driving Joe to keep talking, even when he has some sense of dominating the conversation. Is he simply excited, or is there fear or perhaps shame beneath the surface that drives his behavior?
In my work as an emotion educator, I find that people often have a hard time recognizing the subtler experiences of emotions and don’t have the language to name the actual emotions they are feeling. As they are able to discern and name their feelings, they have greater choice as to how they can manage it. Sometimes what works best is to be present with one’s feelings without an obligation to do anything other than be present. This often leads to more listening than talking!
October 21st, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Dear Josh,
Glad to write to you again. In Joe’s case, I agree with Melissa’s opinion that Joe is self-aware to an extent. The fact that he said he would not want them to talk about his stories suggests us a possibility that once he was reminded by someone for being too dominating over a conversation. However, his effort to change this habit may not have been consistent so far. He may have received very little feedback about the consequences or impact for being too dominating. In order for us to effectively change a habit, we need to stop the old habit and at the same time start a new one. In this case, a new habit to ‘listen’ to others. Joe has a great chance to change with the help from people close to him. They need to be assertive; tell them their feelings and thoughts when Joe dominates a conversation. Hopefully, this action will help Joe to develop the extent of awareness. As I cited from Josh’ book; “Awareness is the capacity to stand apart from ourselves and examine our thinking, our intentions, our behaviors, and our effects on what is arund us. It is the ability to turn our ‘reading glasses’ inward upon ourselves.”
Many thanks and see you in Singapore on November 19 Josh!
Regards,
Hery Ratno
October 21st, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Great question Joie! It’s so important that we look beneath the behavior — people act the way they do for reasons, often unconscious emotional reasons, and discovering those drivers would give Joe, and us as his allies, much greater opportunity for change.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Thanks Hery – excellent point – there’s awareness of the behavior, awareness of the emotions, AND awareness of the impact… perhaps it takes all those to get to Aha!
Glad to hear you’re coming to the to the Singapore conference! It will be a fabulous event!
November 11th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Josh, I love this whole topic! In my opinion, this issue is really applicable to the concept of leadership as well as personal interactions. So often leading is predicated on a personal agenda which often translates, literally and figuratively, to doing all all the talking. Listening is such a valuable skill and sometimes it’s most difficult to employ when we feel that we know the answer or have something to contribute.
Thanks for the great discussion!
Alex