Priorities Magazine | March/April 2000

Harnessing the Power of Emotional Intelligence

by Joshua Freedman, Anabel Jensen, Ph.D., and Marsha Rideout

Emotional intelligence is the capacity to choose thoughts, feelings, and actions to create conscious choices in your relationship with yourself and your relationships with others. These choices shape your daily interactions, at every level and in all situations. So what directs those choices? The skills of emotional intelligence, or EQ, are simple, profitable, and central to joy, love, and success - and they can be learned.

By building your EQ, you become increasingly able to align those moment-to-moment choices to create the future that you want.

Six Seconds is a nonprofit organization that teaches EQ skills in schools, families, and organizations. In our work in 40 US state and 14 other countries around the world, we have found that people from all "walks of life" share common concerns about improving the quality of personal and professional relationships. Whether you are a Fortune 100 CEO or a kindergarten teacher, you will benefit from improving your emotional intelligence and using those skills on a daily basis. The good news is that with conscious effort, you can raise your own emotional intelligence.

Think, Feel, Act Unlike some other ways of looking at people, emotional intelligence works to integrate the various aspects of a person -- for us, thinking, feeling, and acting are not three separate realms; they are inseparable, overlapping, and they shape one another.

Our model for bringing EQ to daily life is based on the wisdom of the ages: Know Yourself (Socrates), Choose Yourself (Kirkegaard), and Give Yourself (many religious leaders including Buddha, Jesus, and Mohammed). If you work to Know Yourself, Choose Yourself, and Give Yourself, you will be raising your emotional intelligence -- and your emotional wisdom!

The Six Seconds' Model

Know Yourself is a set of skills related to building emotional literacy and recognizing patterns.

Choose Yourself involves skills of self-direction -- from moment-to-moment decisions, to habits of mind, to life-changing commitments. These skills include consequential (or strategic) thinking, evaluating and rechoosing, motivation, and optimism.

Give Yourself includes the skills that help us function as part of society and help us make sense of the interdependence of our lives. These include empathy and committing to noble goals. While most experts agree that empathy is a part of emotional intelligence, Six Seconds is unique in adding noble goals to this construct. The addition of noble goals is the step that moves an individual from emotional intelligence (which is a "raw" skill set) toward emotional wisdom (which is a conscious and conscientious application of those skills). More about Six Seconds' EQ model is online at <www.6seconds.org/eq>.

The EQ Model At Work

Know Yourself: Why do I do what I do?

Josh's Computer Story, Chapter One: It's time to migrate our bookkeeping to PC, so I get on the phone to Dell. The well trained Dell salesman: “Sure! It will ship in 4 days, or maybe even earlier!"

Two days later, I get the "it is going to be 5 more days..." message. A week later, Marsha (one of my colleagues at Six Seconds) tells me Dell called, "They want to know if you want to cancel the order because it is going to be a couple more weeks before shipping."

I tell her I am calling to cancel, and to voice my dissatisfaction. Marsha warns me, "You're going to get mad. I know how you feel about people not taking responsibility, and on the phone the guy was not even apologetic."

I call, and of course I get angry. By the end of the call I am jumping up and down. I slam down the phone, and sit stewing. The is the very pattern I wanted to avoid. Not because I believe EQ means “being nice,” but because I had made a conscious choice to not repeat this pattern. I wanted to act, not react.

Analysis:
In terms of self-knowledge, the computer story demonstrates the importance of feedback, the power of the emotional brain, and the persistence of patterns. In looking at Josh's computer story from the EQ perspective, it is important to see that there is nothing wrong with his frustration, anger, or disappointment. These "negative emotions" are not wrong or bad -- in fact they often provide essential energy for making change and growth. Self-knowledge is a limitless pursuit -- the more we come to understand of ourselves, the more layers are revealed for exploration. And because people are social beings, is not reasonable to attempt this journey by yourself.

In fact, there are aspects of yourself that those around you know, see, and/or understand much more clearly than you do. In Josh's story, he could simply have listened to Marsha's feedback that the Dell call would certainly make him angry, and averted the situation from the start. In fact, he could have used Marsha's perception to help learn - for instance by role-playing the scenario and being prepared for a variety of possibilities.

Key Competency for Know Yourself:

A key to knowing yourself is recognizing what is happening in your brain - how your thoughts, feelings, and actions are actually created. The brain is built to learn and repeat patterns. So, if throwing a tantrum gave you what you wanted when you were five, your brain may decide that same pattern ought to work again. And if it does, the pattern goes from a footpath to a trail, and through repetition eventually because a superhighway.

The Limbic Brain Another key competency of self-knowledge is some understanding of what is actually happening in your brain and body when you feel emotions. This awareness helps you recognize and redirect emotions because it helps you tune into the signals that your brain and body are sending you. The main "control center" of your emotional brain is called the limbic ring. Among the functions of this middle part of the brain are memory, attention, and emotions. In the story, Josh experienced the power of the emotional brain: once the limbic brain gets excited, it can shut out conscious thinking and leap into reaction. This reaction is directed by two almond-shaped centers on either side of the limbic ring. Typically, the amygdala initiate a reaction based on what has "sort of worked" in the past. Like most of the brain, they are expert at storing and repeating patterns

Patterns are useful "labor saving devices" for the brain, but some put us in a spiraling circle that hurts us and hurts others.

To learn to recognize patterns: Listen to the words you are telling yourself ("self-talk") and see if you can identify that "broken record." If you hear yourself saying the same things over and over, you probably you are seeing a pattern of reaction.

You can also see patterns through “hot buttons.” What do people say or do that is sure to make you mad? Or make you sad, frustrated, jealous, or any other one of your “usual” reactions.

Personal Development Tool for Know Yourself:

Asking for feedback: Feedback can either “reinforce” or “revise” some aspect of our self-concept. Generally it is easier to "hear" the reinforcing pieces - feedback which matches our pre-existing beliefs whether those are "positive" or “negative.”

Try asking someone (a family member, colleague, or friend) to give you one specific piece of feedback every day. While s/he talks, write the information in your journal and do not defend yourself. Be sure to ask for an example or clarification so you understand the feedback. If you can collect this data for a month, you will be able to see patterns: What kind of feedback is most frequent? Are there particular people or situations that seem to trigger certain reactions?

Choose Yourself: Am I doing what I really mean to do?

Josh's Computer Story, Chapter Two: After failing to get a Dell on the bookkeeper's desk, I went down to the local Staples and picked up an HP, and managed to get it functioning right away. I was feeling quite proud of my new accomplishment until I tried to print on our network printer. After four hours on the phone with HP's print-server tech support, I was ready to buy stock in the company because of the tech's patience and persistence. He gave me a list of instructions and said to call back once they were completed.

When I called back, my new support person, Dave, listened to the scenario, put me on hold, came back and said, "Sorry, we don't support networking."

I asked, “So how I might get support for an HP computer connected to an HP printer?” Dave suggested that I take the printer off the network and plug it straight into the computer because he is allowed to help me with that. When I tell him that won't actually solve my problem, things deteriorate. "Well," Dave snaps, "Why don't you buy a networking book."

I am now ready to throw the computer through the phone at Dave. And to further spice the emotional stew, in walks Patty, my wife, with our baby Emma -- who both want my attention now.

Analysis:
Chapter Two of our computer story illustrates how choices about emotions effect interactions. Neurologically, there is a part of your brain that responds to these kinds of situations by literally flooding your brain and body with feeling-molecules. These quickly dissipate (3-6 seconds) unless you choose to release a new flood. Typically strong emotions are like bonfires on which you pile log after log until the fire is 10 feet high.

Is EQ an Intelligence? While it is easy to see that the EQ skills are valuable, is it really an intelligence? Yale researchers Peter Salovey and John "Jack" Mayer have led the way in proving that these skills are more than the sum of their parts -- that taken together, the emotional skills are a "construct" that can be best described as an intelligence. The work coincides with Howard Gardner's research into multiple intelligences where he demonstrates that there are many distinct kinds of intelligences in each person and that it is misleading to lump all cognition together under one term. Most convincingly, you can see the intelligence of emotions at work in your own life. Are there some people who seem to have a deep capacity for getting on with others? Or some who you immediately identify as particularly self-assured or with real strength of character? Look at your own life and list the qualities that make you successful. While some of those items are clearly related to rational thinking, you will see aspects of yourself including commitment, relationship skills, vision, mission, and balance that go beyond the traditional idea of intelligence.

Clearly there is some aspect of this process that is subconscious; there is also a significant aspect that is conscious. If you are in doubt about your ability to choose your emotions, imagine you are in this situation: You are in the midst of conflict with a subordinate, and just as things are heating up, the phone rings and it is the CEO asking for your help. Do you scream at the person who just called, or do you choose new emotions appropriate for that moment? Next time you are in a charged emotional situation, pay close attention to yourself : are you adding logs to the fire or cooling it with water?

Key Competency for Choose Yourself:

So why did Dave act the way he did? Why did Josh react in turn? Dave was clearly agitated in some manner. Dave's emotions became part of his communication with Josh, and they were probably misplaced emotions. Josh then also had to make choices. When emotions are ignored and unexplored, they may pervade all communication in a messy spray.

Consequential thinking would have helped both of them make better decisions. Consequential thinking is another way of talking about an individual's strategic planning. It involves evaluating options, and then assessing the costs and benefits of each option. Generally speaking, when you are able to clearly evaluate costs and benefits, it is easier to make a choice that leads you where you want to go. Confusion, internal conflict, and indecision come when the costs and benefits are unclear or when you have not thought through the options. At first, this can appear to be a time consuming process, but like any skill it can become smoothly integrated into your daily life.

Personal Development Tools for Choose Yourself:

Emotional Accounting “Dell” pattern Pro feels active * release of tension sometimes I get my way w. anger Con not dealing w. problems * “spills” over to rest of life *** not living values people misperceive me

Emotional Accounting: To practice assessing options, try a little emotional accounting. Make your usual “pro” and “con” list. Then, cross out any items that are not truly significant, and put one or more asterisk by the ones that matter deeply. This “weighting” is essential because not all items on the lists are of equal importance. In your journal, evaluate at least one decision per day for 21 days. For the next 21 days, practice using the technique without writing.

Give Yourself: Am I recognizing interdependence?

Josh's Computer Story, Chapter Three: After doing some consequential thinking (Chapter II), I knew that I did not want to use my slam-down-the-phone-and-stew reaction with Dave. To move from a sense of crisis, I chose to be empathic and to identify with Dave's feelings. I decided that Dave really wanted to help me, but was getting heat from his supervisor to move this call along. By reframing his response and asking myself what he might be feeling, I was able to divert from the old pattern and accept that Dave and I are both people dealing with the challenges of our respective jobs.

Of course I am still disappointed that the computer won't print, and I may have to return it -- which I told Dave -- but I also told him that I appreciated him trying to help and that I would work on solving the problem.

Analysis:
Martin Luther King Jr. said that, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moment of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." The same is certainly true of emotional intelligence: the challenge is not to avoid negative emotions or conflict, but rather to use the emotions and the experience to help create the world you want.

Improving the world of our work, play, family, or personal life can only happen to the extent that we can sense with another's hurt, identify another's anger, recognize another's pride, share another's joy. With this expanded emotional life, it is possible to generate both the energy and the creativity to transform problems into challenges -- and to put our best selves to work learning and growing from them.

Key Competencies for Give Yourself:

Empathy is the ability to feel in response to someone else's feelings. It is "putting yourself in someone else's shoes" not just in an intellectual way, but also at an emotional level. In essence, empathy is a way of expanding your emotional life to include other people.

Josh used "reframing," a key tool for building empathy, to create a different perspective on the situation. He also acknowledged his negative feelings in a way that expressed them without blaming and inflaming.

Personal Development Tools for Give Yourself:

Reframing: This tool is about giving someone else the benefit of the doubt. Begin by assuming that there is a valid reason for the person's actions. To practice shifting your perspective, ask yourself "What is happening that is pushing her/him to act this way?" Then identify "What is s/he feeling?" When you see her/his perspective, what are your feelings?

For the next two weeks, practice this technique when you are in a situation that could escalate (any conflict, or even road rage or air rage). List three legitimate reasons why the person “on the other side” may have chosen her/his actions. In your journal, create a chart or graph of your own empathy level -- and see it increase as you practice reframing.

Josh's computer Story, Epilogue: While I left the computer struggle frustrated, I am not letting that frustration run my life. Instead I am doing work about which I care and I am doing it in a way about which I can feel good.

As a result, I avoid the cost of a new window and most importantly, can give my family the kind of attention and love that I am committed to giving. So despite these challenges, I left myself in an emotional state where I could appreciate Patty's hug and Emma's smile.