“How are you doing?”
Easy enough question, but do you want the Fine answer or a harder one? I’m not being shot at while watching a music festival, not drowning on an island with no power. I’m not being beaten by police officers sworn to protect me, I’m not being bombed for my political beliefs… so really, “Fine” should suffice.
But I’m not.
I know it’s much worse for many, vast numbers, of people facing real trauma. I’m safe and comfortable, and want to be caring, and I want to make a difference. My pain is so small compared to those on the front lines of strife around the globe. And I feel assaulted by the daily headlines. Las Vegas, Myanmar, Syria, Puerto Rico. Missiles over Japan. Police brutality in Catalonia. My first reaction is to shut down. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to turn off the news feed. Stay off social media. Stay in my bubble of comfort.
How are you doing? Fine. I’m comfortable. Isn’t that good enough?
Our brains present a particular challenge when faced with strife. Our brains LIKE being comfortable. As stress rises, our own brains push us to deny facts and cling to righteousness. We find people who agree with us. We withdraw into a smaller circle sameness in a primal drive for protection.
My second reaction is rage. I want to curse and stop and smack some sense into this turbulent world. Isn’t it time to grow up and play nice? But then I realize that my rage is hiding something deeper. Underneath is the lurking dark. Helpless and hopeless, impotent as the raiders burn the village.
This morning, amidst the onslaught of stories in my once-was-fun-“social” media, I saw a quote from the Dalai Lama, perhaps this one:
“…use our short time here in living a meaningful life, enriched by our sense of connection with others and being of service to them.”
My first reaction, this morning? No.
But on deeper reflection, my third reaction is yes. This is the world I believe in. This is the world that I’m spending my life toward.
How are you feeling? I’m feeling the thunderstorm of change.
Yes, I’m shocked by the thugs with tiki torches, horrified by brutality that seems to be growing all around. Terrified to see the depths of human depravity. Despairing. I feel rage. I feel helplessness. Yet at the very same time, I feel fierce. I feel the determination rising. I feel the voices echo in my head and heart: never again.
I walked today by the ocean, and now I feel the crashing waves. Powerful, incessant, even brutal – yet the waves are beautiful as light glistens through the water. This is the paradox of emotion. These feelings don’t cancel each other out. They coexist; literally they are chemicals, mixing and stirring within us, preparing us to cope… or at least to try.
I’m So Stressed Out
In an effort to simplify, often we put this thunderstorm of feelings into a word: Stress. I love Kelly McGonigal’s definition in her book, The Upside of Stress. Stress is when our perceived challenges are greater than our perceived resources. In the face of these intense, brutal, impossible challenges, I feel inadequate. I don’t have resources to solve the problems, and voila, stress.
Yet McGonigal and others’ research throws light on a basic truth of emotion. Feelings are power. She wrote that how we think about stress changes our reaction to it. Stress and excitement are twins. Perhaps this can be true for despair and determination?
If stress means, “the problem is bigger than my resources,” we need to either shrink the problem, or grow our resources. What if emotion, itself, is a resource. What if our fear is a voice of clarity? Our rage is a voice of conviction? Our helplessness is a voice of solidarity? What if all these turbulent feelings, this thunderstorm of emotion, is harnessed to step forward?
How do we turn our turbulent emotions into resources?
1. Stop hiding.
It’s ok to have big feelings. Big feelings mean something big is happening.
2. Get real.
Our feelings are based on our perceptions of the world. Don’t accept the narrow slice of data from the iPad. Go outside. Listen to real people. See your neighbor arguing with his son about how the lawn should be cut, and the bagger at the grocery store flirting with the cashier. The world of pundits and politicians is fiction, the real world is all around us.
3. Get active.
Channel the energy somewhere worthwhile. Go for a walk. Talk to a friend. Write a letter. But most importantly, find someone to support.
The Big Ripples of Little Actions
In the world of Big Headlines we may be powerless, but the real world is different, it’s our world. Maybe we can’t change the course of history, but we can change the course of one another’s lives. In the epics, there are magnificent villains and heroes – magnificent as in, magnified. In the real world, the villains are regular people who long for love and respect, but can’t find it inside, so they try to make people respect them. They are petty bullies who laugh at a kid pushed to the floor, or a bureaucrat who says, “wait in line” when there is none. The heroes are all of us, the ordinary people who live in ordinary time and turn to help someone with their suitcase on the subway.
Natalie Hampton was bullied in middle school, assaulted and harassed till her stress and depression were brutal. When she changed schools, she gained a chance to try again. Remembering the despair of hiding alone during lunch, she wanted to help others who suffer from this isolation, so she created an App, Sit with Us. Here’s an interview we did with her last year.
Natalie’s work has grown to the point that few weeks ago she spoke to the United Nations. This weekend we caught up with her, and she shared a story of a fellow teen who faced a similar struggle that led to the creation of Sit with Us. Spontaneously, Natalie asked this girl to, “Come sit with us” at lunch. Years later, the girl told Natalie, approximately: I’d started harming myself, and I was thinking of suicide, but that small invitation to lunch changed everything for me. Natalie recently told the story of the creation of Sit with Us in an absolutely lovely TEDxTeen talk. She concludes,
She says it without fanfare, but it’s profound truth, hard won. Our greatest power takes just moments of attention, moments of compassionate action. In the real world, we suffer not from “fake news” or even presidential pettiness. In the real world we suffer because today we feel lost and lonely and helpless, and one small action alters the moment. The moment ripples to another moment, and another, and our lives are transformed by the most basic acts of human decency. Of human connection.
Call Your Mother
Michael Miller, a writer on our team and Editor of the EQ.org library, told me that his parents were in Vegas over the weekend. When he saw the news, he called her, they were safe. The stunning moment for him: I don’t called my mother often enough.
It sounds so small, yet it’s like Natalie’s story. Contained in this moment is a whole world. We FEEL disconnected, yet most of us belong to many circles. Circles of friends, of family, of neighborhood, of church/synagogue/mosque, bowling club, office mates. These are our circles of influence. These are the circles of our most profound power.
Sure you can call your elected officials if you’re lucky enough to live in a place where that’s possible. But if you really want to change the world? Call your mom. Call your childhood friend. Call that person who you danced with in 7th grade and never had the courage to call up afterward. In these small acts we defy the politicians who seek to divide us to strengthen their own power. We defy the petty differences on which so much media focuses so ardently.
The statistics that say we’re more lonely and afraid than ever in history. We have very little power to affect the 7.5 billion people. We have very little ability to change the course of global warming. We have almost no capacity stop flying bullets. But we have nearly infinite capacity to share love and compassion.
I heard something about our culture being much more interested in “heroes” as the folks who ride into battle to confront conflict. We rarely spend the same effort recognizing the much more time intensive process of growing, healing, caregiving, teaching, making. It takes a moment to destroy something and a lifetime to create. Let us spend our lifetimes creating in the real world, with the tremendous power we each have to connect. One smile. One invitation to lunch. One moment of generous service. One hug. Then another.
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- Knowing Isn’t Coaching: Three Emotional Intelligence Tools for Professional Coaches - April 3, 2024
- Coaching Down the Escalator: 3 Emotional Intelligence Tips forCoaches to Reduce Volatility & De-escalate Conflict in a Polarized World - March 6, 2024
- Dr. Daniel Goleman Explains the History of Emotional Intelligence - February 29, 2024
Moved me so much. Thank you.
Do do list :
Hold a hand, hug someone,
Drive carefully, giving way when you need to
Call your friends,
Remember your family
Take your blind friend to the railway station
Sing
Thanks for the article Josh. Once I read I called my mother to day Hello, how is she?
Simple applying how noble goal work..
Prima Adi S
Josh, beautifully stated and profound. Keep reminding us that, in the end, it is all about the daily caring connections.
Susan Charles
Thanks, Susan, for saying just what I wanted to say!
Thank you! Empowered by your text!
So let’s consider WHO or WHAT is responsible for the condition the world is in today.
Politics? Money? Education? Churches? Genes?
Or is it possible that in living a life – breathing, thinking, behaving – each one of us weaves a thread into the fabric of mankind?
Each one of us is this special package… the ‘human being’ package.
No, it’s not up to the illustrious leaders and lofty decision makers, it’s up to you and me. We are the designers of the future and each day we are given fresh hours and opportunities to spread kindness and love all around. It is you and I that have the power to change the world and make it a way better place.
The problem is that most persons wish to forget that there is a Creator, God, to whom we have a duty to obey. Although He gives us freedom of choice to accept or reject His way, we have to abide by the consequences of our decision. The evils that surrounds us and seem ready to engulf the world are indicative of man’s decision to follow evil and not God.
Josh a timely reminder of how we can make a difference in these times when it looks like the world has gone mad. I think it helps to focus on what’s going right, the outpouring of love, the generosity of spirit, the communities coming together, families reaching out and the prospect of governments collaborating . Sharing our Emotional Intelligence tools and information will help people understand and become more self aware of how they can keep in balance and still feel useful and not to descend into fear.
These are tumultuous times to be sure, but not historically unprecedented. Human history is tumultuous. But, one thing has changed everything for us. The communication and information revolution that puts human triumphs and tragedies almost instantaneously right in front of us.
This is not to dismish in the slightest way what is happening around us. Rather, it is poignantly real and calls us to a deeper expression of compassion, to reach from disillusionment to ceaseless optimism and the compelling vision of a better world that all of us at Six Seconds are about.
The phoenix will rise from the ashes.
My island Dominica was also ravaged by the hurricane. It would be so easy to get cynical and give up because we live in a world full of violence and hatred. Yet, we have to turn to each other and appreciate the people who help. Always look for the helpers, they are here always.
Excellent article, Josh, and well written, but unfortunately only for those of us who care and can empathize. My guess would be, sadly, that when we’re asked how we’re doing, probably fewer that 1% of the askers really care, the rest preferring the “Fine” answer so they can just continue with whatever important or mundane task in which their mind is already engaged. The struggle I had as an EQ mentor was that while its basics can be taught, the character traits so essential to maintaining a high EQ cannot. These would include empathy, humility, self-honesty, having an open mind, etc., etc., etc., ad infinitum.
We need to work on that.
Hal, I would guess there are many many people you’ve taught who learned some skills and insights… and maybe didn’t care at that moment… but as a result of your teaching were ready when the moment arrived. We sow seeds, and some bloom soon, some never bloom, but some bloom in new seasons — right?
Josh, thank you for reminding me that we all can make a difference to how it is; that in our daily interactions with others we can be awake to being a part of making a difference. And I love Natalie Hampton’s way of doing that.
It all begins in the well-being of our children, and our children, everybody’s children, need to develop within an environment which sustains their sense of connectedness to all others.
It’s the surest way to begin to dissolve that feeling of alienation which allows any one person to feel ‘right’ about wiping out another.
More power to this way of thinking and being…
xxx
This,
This is SUCH good stuff.
Well said, Josh.
Thanks.
Beautiful. Thank you.
I have recently decided to become an advocate for Emotional Intelligence by posting daily on Linked in, Twitter, Facebook and my own blog. Many of the people who are in the greatest need for EI are likely to even know it exist.
Educators and Mental Health professionals need to become more conversant on the value of Emotional Intelligence for the community at large.
Thanks for this opportunity.
I have recently decided to become an advocate for Emotional Intelligence by posting daily on Linked in, Twitter, Facebook and my own blog. Many of the people who are in the greatest need for EI are likely to even know it exist.
Educators and Mental Health professionals need to become more conversant on the value of Emotional Intelligence for the community at large.
Thanks for this opportunity.
This would be an excellent article to repost on a Facebook page. I did not find it as a Facebook post on the Six Seconds page but would share with others if it was posted.
Fantastic points made. Thank you.
Thank you Lesa – we’ve posted it! https://www.facebook.com/sixseconds/posts/10155270446092862
I agree with you Josh; to me the problem seems to be the indifference of the people about others. I might have enough experience to talk about this since we, Venezuelans, are suffering a disastrous situation everyday. Thousands of people died every year because the crime, political violence, shortness of medicines and food. We have faced this problems for the last two decades, and other countries do not pay attention since the say: “This an internal problem; therefore, it has to be solved by Venezuelans. I do not know if you see my point. The problems of my coworker, neighbor, acquaintance, anyone; it is not mine, I do not care.
Perhaps, most people is so stressed out that is frustrated, blocked, and they cannot see a way out. That is why, I am trying to make a small contribution trying to bring Emotional Intelligence at home, work and my neighborhood. I have to tell you it is very hard for a person which is to be extremely rational, I am an engineer, but I am quite confident that this is the way out.
Kind Regards,
JL
Dear Jose Luis – Just want to say: I can feel your people suffering. When we had a call recently with team there, it was so clear, the pain people feel of seeing themselves helpless in the face of a “man made tsunami.” And I’m deeply impressed by your commitment, as a rational engineer, to see that the pathway forward is understanding that we humans are not solely rational.
Persevere.
Well said.. all around!
Ever act of kindness is never to small … it trickles to the next and next … the gift we have is to be in service to others and every living thing- that’s why it feels so good – what are you all waiting for
Yes, every event in our lives are connected. Either vicariously or personally; we should do something. Even a prayer for people who have been in trouble could do magic to our own well-being. Empathy is a must learning for all to have, unlearn bad teachings and relearn the ancient wisdom of golden rule.
Thank you – your article is so well written and sums up my thoughts (far more eloquently than I could!).
It is so true that we do nothing because we feel that we are powerless but it is also true that the ripple effect can actually make an enormous difference.
I am going to focus on today & the small actions, knowing that they are a ripple for good.
Me too Lisa. Together then!
We three! We never know how profoundly one small act of kindness, compassion, empathy, encouragement, gratitude, trustworthiness and/or patience, shown toward a person who may need it so desperately, can impact the world around us.
Way too much violence. To see young people victimized like this is terrifying. Violence is overwhelming us and jeopardizing the sense of well-being.
Thanks for writing this. Adding a comment here helps me to feel better because I get the feel of taking action. I totally agree that it is the small things each one does that really matter. It reminds me that Hope endures even though it is so frail and dented. If we fail to see the distress of a quiet person, fail to look past the apparent well-being, and fail consistently, the emptiness in that person will expand and engulf others who have never set eyes on that person before. I wonder, with all the debate a massacre throws up, will we remind ourselves that we are all connected
Dearest Anjana, “hope is frail and dented” indeed. And perhaps more precious and beautiful for this. It’s what I see in the TEDx of Natalie that I mentioned in the article. The “dents in her heart” turned out to be the foundation of a profound form of power. Maybe that’s what the bullies are most frightened by?
About the natural unpredicted events I have nothing to add now! I have tothink ! But about the Las Vegas it ca beeasily prevented and still mentain the 2nd ammendment ( continue sell of weapon ) I suggest to make a simple device that will transmit autamatically to the Policeor FBI the detail of any transaction. This should be invastigated by special forces and put the guy under observation for a longtime !!
We all need to change our personal reactions each second, we can’t change the world but, each time, we behave more ‘caringly’ we are then having in impact.
Tx!!!
I read this morning: I’ve always loved butterflies because they remind us that it’s never too late to transform ourselves. Drew Barrymore.
Greetings out of a restive South-Africa
What a lesson I have learnt today. Empowered by your EQ
Hi Joshua,
It was my first time in Las Vegas this weekend- a much needed time away from the stress at work for me and time for my friend/co -worker to rejuvenate before returning back to her four children. Although my friend and I were not at the country music festival, we were in Las Vegas in the vicinity just an hour before the horrific incident happened. Our flight was early yesterday morning, so we had planned on having dinner then returning back to our hotel to pack. I was asleep when the news started trickling in about 10 pm; however, my friend had watched the news to 2 am.
Yesterday morning at 5:00 am, my friend had told me what had happened and the magnitude of the incident. We received calls or texts from family members and friends and even co-workers making sure we were safe. At the airport, the people were quiet and reflective, perhaps also in shock. On our flight to Grand Forks, we remembered our interaction with a couple earlier Sunday evening, also waiting for a cab, but were going to the concert. They were from California. They were on our minds. Were they safe? Had they been injured? There were lots of questions. Our hearts were broken for them and for their families and friends. The fear, the panic, the pain and the loss they must have felt.
As our plane arrived Grand Forks airport, we noticed the local news filming our arrival. They asked the locals who had attended the concert their reactions and feelings. Some were so emotional that they refused to talk to the reporter. He respected their wishes.
We arrived back at home in Winnipeg in the afternoon yesterday. My friend hugged her children and husband while I communicated with my friends and family to let them know I was safe. I was still processing the incident. I cried. I wished I could help.
At work, I was greeted by my coworkers and supervisor with hugs. They were concerned and were relieved we were safe and sound. The people and the families of Las Vegas incident were on my mind.
There were signs of humanity-the compassion and selflessness which gave me hope. People , even complete strangers were helping those in need. People were making connections.
What about the man who hurt so many. What was he feeling? What drove him to the actions he took? Could it have been avoided? Did he not feel supported? Did he feel helpless and lonely?
Dear Jean, for me, in sharing this, you helped. Thank you. I’d guess in those greetings and hugs, you helped. Maybe what we most need is these reminders we are not alone?
Joshua this is an article that I needed to read, right now !!, So thank you ! The point that you making on doing the small stuff, resonates. If each of us can make small dents, in our circle then multiply that into a universal impact. Even just sending positive energy and light to the affected people can be a small step. Let’s play our part because that’s what we can control.
Beautifully written! We do forget that it’s the small actions done with great love (Mother Theresa) that changes the world one person at a time! Thank you for the reminder.
The realities of humanity today brings to mind the statement ” we don’t know what we don’t know”. This rings true, until we experience actions, attitudes or behavior that cause us to reflect, ask questions or marvel in disgust. As we think about our social fabric and how healthy or unhealthy it is at any given time in any given society, facing whatever types of circumstances. It’s proven true that we see the bizarre acts that challenge every bit of who we are and the reality is, that what we’ve created is simply scary. In response to this, the why to me, is the lack of education about Emotional Intelligence. Therefore the challenge to us world wide is to start where we can and get results in validation of and the need to have EI supported through a variety of multifaceted approaches, in multilevel functions that are supported through proven process and strategy.
Political and spiritual liberalism amongst the citizens of the world is the need of the SECOND. World citizenship and solidarity and feeling that if any individual is hurt any where in this planet, it would hurt all the 7.5 billion souls….this requires transformation which can be lead by world leaders, who are capable to bring in this difference. Other wise we are all dead in the next SECOND.
Thank you so much for your worlds. I could not sleep this night as the feeling of loneliness and helplessness reached certain level which even wake me up. Seeing so many contradictions in a daily life I feel the rage raising inside me. I want to scream around big loud WHY. Why is this happening? Why we have to live like this? Can we still see the real human’s feelings in the tons of social media posts?
Thank you once more. You’ve helped me to discover how to transform the inner rage into power of connection with other people.
What makes us human apart from having same physical bodies though with small differences in the colour of our hair our skin we all feel the same emotions fear love joy happiness anger frustration.
Our non verbal language is similar whether we are in the East West North or South of the globe.
Seeing the suffering and pain of another human being across the globe we feel the same and wish our kids never go through such moments.
Sending love compassion forgiveness to all those who are suffering physically emotionally across the globe through these positive energies I believe we can reduce the suffering .
We are all moving In the same energy field and what happens North South East or West invariably has an impact everywhere.
Positive energies of love compassion care happiness can transmute those of hatred harm sadness violence .
Sharing these positive energies across the world will help to change our energy patterns we are all connected.
l think it caused lost love among humanbeings. They didn’t have kindness ,sympathy,empathy and positive feeling. l am very sad hear of these cases.
And, perhaps that tells us the work we must do next?