Last week I read an article in the Wall Street Journal that headlined, ‘Why French Parents Are Superior’ written by author of ‘Bringing Up Bebe,’ American Pamela Druckerman.
Funnily enough, almost exactly a year ago, the Wall Street Journal published an article headlined, ‘Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior’ written by Amy Chua, author of the explosive ‘Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.’
(Something tells me the WSJ is trying to save money on employing headline writers and recycling previously successful headlines they know will rile the American public into an indignant frenzy. 
)
The two books appear quite different – the Druckerman book being a far more temperate look at parenting French-style while Chua’s focused on her own family and left me wondering if she unresolved issues about her own upbringing.
But they both are at pains to point out the contrast of other nation’s parenting approach to that of the US. And it is not a favorable comparison.
Overparenting
“Overparenting,” “hyperparenting,” “helicopter parenting” and “kindergarchy” were terms Druckerman used to describe the phenomena known as middle-class American parenting.
Personally, I had never heard of ‘kindergarchy’ and didn’t know what it meant but I discovered via research on the internet that it means “under rule by children.” Instead of being in the background, the children are in the foreground while parents needs are pushed out and take a backseat.
The other terms are pretty well established and self-explanatory.
And the outcome, according to the French, is children with a lack of impulse control. Of the ability to play alone. Of the ability to delay gratification.
The Truth
Is it true?
Certainly, the famous marshmallow study of the late 1960s at Stanford University contributes data to substantiate the opinion of the French and of many teachers.
Children, four and five years-old, were left in a room for 15 minutes with a marshmallow on the table. They were told that if they waited until the experimenter came back, and the marshmallow was still there, they would get another one. Most kids could only wait 15 seconds. Only one in three lasted the full 15 minutes. (I’m not sure I could, either. I know I could not wait if it was a piece of chocolate.)
Walter Mischel, conductor of the test at Bing Nursery School on the Stanford campus, and the leading expert on how children learn to delay gratification observes that ‘self-control has gotten increasingly difficult for kids’ in the U.S.
Higher SAT Scores
And while the original information is fascinating, it is the follow-up study accomplished when those same youngsters were juniors in high school that is significantly informative.
His follow-up study found that those who could delay gratification were better at concentrating and reasoning, tending not falling to pieces under stress. Not only that, those individuals earned an average of 210 points more on their SAT scores than their peers/classmates.
Wow!
Delayed gratification contributes to the growth of brain cells.
Boundaries and Limits
So are American parents doing their kids a huge disservice and how?
Anecdotal comparisons mentioned by Druckerman in her book suggest we are much less likely to say ‘no’ to our children. If they want us to push them on the swing we do it. Even if we’d rather sit and talk to our friend. To the French, it struck them that it was American children that were in charge.
And not the adults.
In France it would appear that parents assiduously set boundaries around their children’s behavior, establishing firmly what is acceptable and what is not. But within those boundaries, they are remarkably relaxed and the children have a great degree of freedom.
The criticism is that Americans don’t set these boundaries and that the children suffer from the lack of opportunity to learn crucial skills.
Reading Druckerman’s account, it would appear that the confidence of parents in their ability to be authoritative without damaging the child is lacking. And it is true that self-assuredness combined with consistency is key.
What do you think? Are American parents doing it all wrong? Tell us in the comments!
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Anabel Jensen
President of Six Seconds and professor of education, Anabel Jensen, Ph.D., is a master teacher and a pioneer in emotional intelligence education. A two-time Federal Blue Ribbon winner for excellence in education, she was Executive Director of the Nueva School from 1983 to 1997 where she helped develop the Self-Science curriculum featured in Daniel Goleman’s 1995 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence.See 41 more posts by Anabel Jensen
Hi Anabel – Great article! And, very very relevant. My experience from working with 100′s of families, coaching youth sports (and parents!), and observing untold additional families, is that American parents have advanced a disease called “entitlementitis”! Entitlementitis is more serious than its close cousin “spoiled-rotten”! It leaves its victims often with a loss of self-esteem and more importantly, a lack of drive or desire to put forth effort!!
Hi Anabel,
I certainly have seen what Marek mentioned. But I’ve seen that all over the world. My French isn’t so fab, so I don’t know for sure… my impression is this is not an “American” issue so much as a generational one. My sense is that these headlines and books are actually contributing to the problem — parents are looking outside themselves and trying to find “the perfect answer” — even if logically there is no such thing. I suspect we’ve become more afraid — more afraid of hard work, more afraid of failure, more afraid that our children will have less opportunity than we did. I suspect this fear is driving us, as a generation of parents, to over protect.
Thanks for the article and I’ll work on ideas for delaying gratification. Two weeks ago Patty simply said to Max: “If you still want this in 2 weeks then we can talk about it.” Worked well.
- J
Hi Anabel,
I remember your sharing about how most parents tend to prepare students for what we deem as Plan A- the ideal future– professional and personal super success. Yet our own personal experiences tell us that Plan A doesn’t really happen the way we expect it. Human nature is imperfect, human connections are imperfect, human society is imperfect. Alas, as you say, parents need to help children prepare for Plans B, C, and D to Z! This means tolerance and overcoming imperfections on all fronts requires knowing oneself and choosing to be better each time.
I am happy to see that you are writing ideas you have been sharing with us who work with you on a daily basis. In this way, your are able to keep these precious insights in perpetuity and many more who come across your writings, can benefit from your wisdom.
Hi Ananbel,
I am a high school teacher (32 years) and have observed the “entitlementitis” syndrome mentioned above; not so mush in our students (yet!) but in our new teachers. I know the teachers in this EI circle could start a tsunami with reports of this lack of “self management” and respect for others.
Our students are more apt to be answer their “text-messaging” sounds than be present in the moment of “giving time” to their peers or to whomever they are with. (Thanks Josh for that term; my students now understand taking time and giving time . More importantly, so do I.) I believe most students would would starve (no marshmallow) than delay reading a newly arrived text. The rest of us have to wait while they “take time” for “us”. _ Al Maxwell
could you correct my misspelling of “much” in Allison Maxwell 2nd line of comment
Both these books are based on anecdotes, not real evidence. Anyone can select an unrepresentative sample of a large population to make a point. Both authors seem to be justifying their own choices, there are plenty of psychological theories that support this – attribution theory for example. Once they have adopted a position they will unconsciously screen out all the well adjusted American children they see every day, and all the poorly behaved French/Chinese ones.
What does the evidence tell us? That American children earn more and win more Olympic medals, but French children live longer and tend not to murder as many people. I suspect in another generation those two facts will still be true. I’m not likely to sell many books just pointing out facts though am I?
Dear Anabel
While Pamela Druckerman and Amy Chua talk about parental styles that are quite different from what they see in the US, we in Singapore could see that our parents are similarly showing a tendency to place a child’s needs ahead of other equally important things. I wonder if some of this, at least in my country, could be due to a perceived lack of time leading to superficial solutions not very different from the grandmother leaving $70 near the sink for the less fortunate granddaughter in your earlier story. In other words, we act like we don’t have time to think!
Genetic sampling has shown that if you take DNA samples from a village in Iowa and one in sub-Saharan Africa, you will find more genetic variation within the two populations than between them. The same is true of parenting. In the small Nottinghamshire village in which I live, I see more different styles of parenting than any of these books claims to find in nationalities. The authors of these books are desperately looking for ways to vindicate their own choices, rather than doing what the rest of us do – get on with it and muddle through as best we can. That doesn’t make them bad parents, just bad judges of how other people should parent.
Great and timely post. It brings up so many ideas!
As a positive psychology practitioner, I tend to gravitate to the positive side of the equation, namely how do we also help our children develop the intrinsic motivation to set their own limits, learn to delay gratification, etc? If parents learn how to nurture internal self-regulation (age appropriate, of course) then fewer external boundaries that may result in over-parenting (Chua) may be needed. When talking about such intrinsic motivation and self regulation, Edward Deci’s work suggests that all people need a combination of small successes and feelings of competence to develop a sense of internal discipline. This shift of focus in parenting toward a more pleasant, positive learning approach does not exclude boundary setting. Parents need to be deft enough to do both!
A small suggestion for your book: when our daughter was in pre-school, a teacher taught us a simple and very effective technique for teaching patience. The adult acknowledges the child who wants to interrupt by looking, acknowledging, smiling and placing a hand on the child’s hand then, continue talking. When you’re done talking to the other person, thank the child for waiting, and then sure you give them your full attention. Works wonderfully for very young children–with practice!
This is one if the few parenting topics that I love reading about… And I’m very passionate about it. Generally speaking, I think a lot of parents ARE doing it wrong (even though parent-judging is not politically correct these days). But setting boundaries and consistently sticking to them is imperative to raising capable individuals. My two babies are still babies (2 years old and 7 months old), but they have boundaries and they are learning them! Kids are kids and should not rule the house. Some parents I know complain how parenting is so difficult because their kids are out of control… But these same parents allow themselves to be second-rate citizens in their home! I am NOT perfect and am very early in the mom-game, but so far, boundaries are working for us. I have to be consistent, but its worth it when I see my family/friends impressed and confused how our family life is fairly civilized and kids eat/sleep/behave the way they should between my random tickle attacks on the floor. But that’s just my opinion…