After years of “sort of trying,” I’m almost entirely thrilled to have lost 30 pounds (the “secret” is about love and joy, not suffering, but that’s another article), but there are three big downsides:
1. People don’t know what to say to me. “You look great!” is nice. “Oh, you’re finally losing weight,” not so much. Yesterday @ Men’s Warehouse seeing if suits I bought last year could be tailored, “did this suit actually fit you??” (it was said with an impressed tone.)
2. As alluded above, my clothes don’t fit. Finally cleaned the closet (which looks great empty), but hate to buy many clothes as I’m committed to losing more…
3. Where I used to ignore my weight, now I’m very conscious of how fat I still am.
Patty keeps telling me I look great, and I’ve dropped about 4 or 5 sizes in my slacks, but I don’t quite believe it. Putting on the suit yesterday, I was shocked again. Who’s this guy with the baggy pants? I feel great. And, I’m still overweight (I find “obese” nauseating, but still true according to the annoying little “balance-board guy” in Wii Fit). So there are two stories: huge progress, significant work to do. Which gets more attention? I’ve had decades of thinking myself as fat. And, where I used to just pretend I didn’t care, I’m no longer willing to hang out in Club Denial (though it’s a very comfortable place — they even have cool ‘fun house’ mirrors there).
The thing is, denial is so easy. I didn’t have to think about my choices. Nice warm rolls in a restaurant? Bring on the butter! But now, I see these indulgences as, well, indulgences. Nice to have once in a while, but not a reasonable route for the day to day.
I love how strong I am now — not like I’m ready for a marathon or something, but the other week in Dubai I walked & jogged almost every morning. Voluntarily! I can climb a couple flights of stairs, or do 20 pushups, or other more fun activities and not be short of breath. I’m thrilled that I now actually LIKE exercise (gasp). But at the same time, I’ve become conscious that I don’t like the roll around my middle. So I’ve got this paradox, at the same time loving and disgusted by my body. That might be too strong a word, it’s not self-hate — but almost every day I notice my belly fat and want it gone.
Perhaps the most difficult part of change is that results come slowly. I mean, if I give up on those wonderful indulgences and exercise every day for a WHOLE long week, shouldn’t that produce results? Where’s the payoff?
Intellectually I KNOW that I’m in this for the long haul, it’s a lifestyle change, not a diet. I KNOW I took 30+ years to get into this state and it’s going to take more than a few months to get out of it. I KNOW I should be proud of the progress, and I am pleased with the last six months — in fact last year was one of the best in my life. It’s perplexing. I’ve got more energy than I can remember, I’m eager to get up the morning… and I’ve got a great excuse to buy more clothes! At the very same time, I’m dissatisfied, and I guess I’m afraid to fully believe this “good news.”
Joshua Freedman
Part of the Six Seconds' founding team, Josh is one of the world leading experts on emotions, change, and performance. One of a handful of people with proven experience creating organizational performance through EQ, Freedman leads a world-wide network of EQ change agents. (sd)
Josh – I’m thrilled that you’ve reached such an exciting stage of self-mastery. As I was readng your journey, I was struck by how beautifully you expressed the nature of personl maturity – moving past defing ourselves by our capacity to act on the abundance that is before us, and recognizing the abundance of what lies ahead of us. Trading the blissful existence of now for the gratitude for the possibility of tomorrow. I did not get to spend a lot of time with you when we met in, I think, 2002 – but I grow all the time in the respect that I have for you and the life you’ve chosen to lead and model. Congratulations!
Dear Josh, congratulations for being able to focus and persevere on a mission that will definitely make you feel (physically and emotionally) so much better than before.
I think anyone who knows you is grateful to you for so generously sharing your experiences. We all learn as you learn.
I guess avoidance is a human tendency we have in face of many issues, “fat” among many others. Once we are willing to focus and we decide to do something about it, we get into action and we notice much more of what was there all along. Sometimes the intensity and length of the issue may just motivate us to ignore it even more. We need focus, courage, patience, trust and love to be able to engage in change and make it happen. But change does happen, if we work on it.
A very timely and motivating topic for us in this part of the world where spring is coming fast and so many of us are struggling with diets!!
THANK YOU DEARLY AND CONGRATULATIONS:)
Suheyla
Josh, I am very happy for you!!! Good on you for sticking to your vision, for being the creator of your “new” self. Yes, believe it, it is a new you that is emerging from this process. A new you more confident in yourself, stronger at every level. I am so proud of you and so inspired by you. When you come to Singapore next time i will take you for a walk, or maybe a run, by the Malaysian railway track, which is something that you would not have been able to do before and enjoy. Now you will love it! Another walk we can do is at MacRitchie Reservoir – we can do a canopy walk – BEAUTIFUL! All the very best, Paula
Josh. how wonderful to hear all this energy in your story. a new love for life and for yourself…. The last step in forgiveness has to do with ourselves. There is no escape from this step, because we can’t give love or support to others unless we can give it to ourselves first.
We want to be grateful for everything. That means forgiving ourselves for all the supposed mistakes and imperfections in our life. We need to be able to love that person in the mirror.
Don Miguel Ruiz expressed this idea much better than I can:
“When you look in the mirror and hate what you see, you need addictions to survive. If you don’t like the main character in your story, then everything and everyone in it becomes a nightmare.
But if you accept yourself 100%, then you trust yourself. And whatever you want to manifest in the world will happen.”
thank you for sharing. warmest wishes. lisa
Josh,
In your recent teleclass on change, you taught us about the necessity for grieving the loss, even of the “negatives”. Perhaps weight loss is so often positively reenforced by *everyone* that we forget to grieve the “old” (larger) me who is no longer present since we’re so busy rejoicing the new *smaller* me. Maybe it’s fear of not being able to maintain.
Thanks for sharing your journey. I still opt for those hot rolls on the table (which turn into rolls on my hips) but perhaps will find renewed inspiration from your posting.
Ellen
Thanks for remembering that Ellen – I agree with you about the fear. We fear that we’ll recreate the past, and in so doing, we push the past into the future… giving it a lot of power. It’s another kind of balance we need to find, standing on the surfboard of the present day, fueled by waves from the past but keeping those behind us!
Josh, congratulations and keep up the good work! About 7 years ago I went through a similar process losing a total of 45 pounds over a period of about 18 months. I am happy to say that it has stayed off!
It is certainly a lifestyle and attitude change, as you have pointed out, and once that is conquered (i.e. new habits formed) it is amazing how easy it is to maintain the ‘status quo’, perhaps better described as the new normal.
All the best as you continue on your journey.
Dianne
Way to go, Josh! sharing what you’ve accomplished is inspirational. We all know we are more than our bodies, but without a healthy bod it’s much harder to do good work on the planet! LOL
I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser and the most compelling aspect of it is how conscious choices create change. Obviously that applies to more than just weight loss, but a physical transformation in the direction of greater health and vitality is a beautiful thing to see.
Keep up the good work!
In friendship,
Annie
Fantastic Josh! And are you feeling fitter? Less puffing? Change that comes slowly is usually more long lasting.
And I do like Ellen’s comments … after all we do lose “part of ourselves”. Very interesting thought.
Jenni
Hi Jenni – less puffing… and less puffi! Not exactly a “hard bod” but it’s pretty neat to feel these muscles having substance and power (even under the squishy bits still around my middle).
It’s scary, in a way, to let myself miss some of that old self. If I let myself grieve that change, then in a sense it feels like saying “that was good” when I want THIS to be good… yet w my “EQ hat on” it’s clear that I can appreciate, even love, myself in both states. I don’t need to make my past-self BAD to convince myself to stay on this journey. I can miss certain aspects and value that part of my life, and, at the very same time, be glad to be moving forward.
Not an easy balancing act for someone working to learn to be present and intentional w feelings.
-J
Kudos to you Josh for taking such a major step and committing to a huge life change – how you view eating and exercise. It’s so affirming to read your reflections, not only because alot of your thoughts have run through my mind during my own struggles in this area, but also because it’s such a great reminder that this undertaking is a journey. It will always be “you’re doing it”, instead of “you’ve done it”.
Like Ellen, I started thinking about your teleclass on change and continue to ponder that myth of linear change vs. cyclical change. The cyclical model seems to allow more room for grieving, making mistakes and reflecting, but also demands a connection with a vision so that we can keep our eye on the prize. It sounds like you are definitely immersed in both. Now get out there and shop til you drop and show off that new bod!
Thank you Julie and all for your affirmations.
I certainly agree – this orientation of “a change process” vs “a change” is crucial! I am sad to say I don’t remember his name, but the person who taught me about the idea of grieving change is a wonderful coach in the Netherlands who helped organize the NexusEQ Conference there. He also helped me understand that emotions are a PARADOX (not a contradiction)… I can be BOTH excited and afraid, BOTH happy and unhappy at the very same time.
Anabel wrote me about this post saying that it takes FIVE YEARS for our self-perception to catch up to a change. Wow.
Warmly,
- Josh
Josh,
Thank you for a post that really got to the heart of my personal debate and expressed it more than I ever could! I have lost about 45 lbs in the past 5 months (still have 20 more to go to be considered “normal” weighted via BMI), and while I love the “you look great!” comments, I’m dreaded going back to work next week because people really don’t know what to say when they see me. (I’m a teacher and had the summer off). And I can’t explain to them, or to hubby, why I’m not completely happy with the changes in my body. But this post gave me a starting place….helps me to put into words what I’m feeling.
Thank you!