Last week Emma was “fussing out” about a writing assignment.* So I said, “then don’t do it.”
“But I H A A A A A V E to…” she moaned.
I pointed out that she did not, in fact, have to: She had choice and each choice had consequences.
She cried harder.
Why?
Emma was caught in a classic emotional trap: wishing it were not so (but knowing it’s not).
Many of us squander buckets of energy spiraling around as we avoid directly facing the facts of our current reality, for example:
Frequently leaders I work with will tell me they have an employee that they KNOW isn’t working out, but they pretend (at some level) that it will change. Months and a lot of pain later, they finally pull the trigger and make a change (sometimes still avoiding the real issue by moving the person to be a poor performer for someone else).**
Some of my younger friends tell me about someone they’re dating, “He’d be perfect if only…” KNOWING it won’t happen, yet they hold onto this hopeless hope.
I want to write another book and KNOW that all I have to do is start writing, but I tell myself I don’t have time right now… in three months I’ll have less time, but I may finally become so frustrated with myself I take action.
Yes – change is possible, but denial is sweeter.
When something feels tough, we often defend ourselves by avoiding the truth of the situation. At the extreme, it’s like a scared 3-year-old: “If I cover my eyes you can’t see me!” While it’s “obvious” this doesn’t work, most of us do it regularly!
The paradox is that while we’re “protecting” ourselves and others from the “brutal” truth, while we stay in the trap we continue to feel frustration, fear, and sorrow. Those feelings push us to narrow our focus to dig into a problem:
Frustration – something’s wrong
Fear – something important may be at risk
Sorrow – I’m losing something I care about
While we stay in the mix of the problem, those feelings continue and usually escalate until we finally get serious. Once we confront the situation and make a commitment to deal with the current reality, then the feelings shift.
So the moral is: fire everyone we’re frustrated with, split up with everyone who disappoints us, and forget about projects that stress us out – right?
Er… maybe not. But those feelings are signals – like indicator lights on the dashboard – saying, “Hey – check it out. Maybe it’s time to get real.”
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* Emma is now 10, and an amazing student. She’s also a perfectionist and when something is hard and the “right answer” is not clear, she stresses herself out. Familiar to any of you?
** To be clear: Often a poor performer would be GREAT somewhere else because the problem is frequently the match. But then there are people you just know in your heart will not do well anywhere in this organization, and it takes chutzpah to stand up and take the right action.
Joshua Freedman
Part of the Six Seconds' founding team, Josh is one of the world leading experts on emotions, change, and performance. One of a handful of people with proven experience creating organizational performance through EQ, Freedman leads a world-wide network of EQ change agents. (sd)
This was REALLY great!thx for sharing Josh.
REALLY appreciate the research you share. It’s absolutely right on for me. Dealing with a really difficult co-manager (lateral)..part of the problem. IN the meantime…I work to come from an EQ place sharing these ideas. Gratefully yours, Cindy
Your sharing this article had helped me grasp further the applications of emotions and EQ, moving it way beyond what others perceive as just a ‘touchy feely’ topic! I’m looking forward to learning more of EQ’s applications daily! So Josh, thanks very much for sharing and spreading your passion for EQ!
I knew fellow teacher who worked much more efficientlt at home rather than in school. So he would leave school as early as possible and finished all his work at home. His supervisor thought he was just a bum who wants to skivve and graded him down.
A new supervisor took over and discovered the teacher’s working preference as well as his interest in information and technology. This teacher was assigned to classes with higher learning ability which he enjoyed teaching thus had greater rapport with the students. He was put in-charge of the school’s infocomm department where is able to tackle challenging technical issues. He became much happier as he was recognised as a valuable and efficient member of the school.
The thing is he still leaves school promptly. He needs to finish all his work.
His previous supervisor had a choice but chose not to recognise (maybe unable to) his ‘hidden’ talent. We need to have more supervisors who choose to see strengths rather than weaknesses in their workers.
A friend was promoted to a new division in his (government) office and members of his staff came from different divisions and units. The personnel of the office (including the boss)were looking at how this new division would function considering that most of the staff were the difficult persons in the entire office.
But after a while, this new division became one of the best functioning units in the entire office.
It’s easier to label people as misfits or not doing their job well instead of looking for the strengths and building on those. Of course, the weaknesses would still be there or takes time to be discarded or grown out of, but again, that is another akill, right? To help others be aware of their weaknesses and do something about it is also at the very heart of EQ.