From NurtureShock to Bright-sided, there are several new “anti-feel-good” books coming out, and they seem to be striking a chord with the current state of the world — and they are SO right. I mean enough of this talking about feelings. As Marge Simpson said (more or less), “take those negative feelings and push them down inside yourself until you’re standing on them!” What we need is more cold-hearted, analytic critics in the world, and clearly there’s good money to be made selling books that say so. Look, suppression has worked for generations — one only has to look objectively at the data. For example, our parents’ generation was raised to suppress feelings and avoid confrontation, and see how fabulously well they’ve done with the big challenges of life, such as holding onto ideals, building enduring marriages, leading businesses ethically, and reversing environmental depredations?
Oh, wait…
Look, as a society we’ve already tried the path of the supremacy of mean logic, and it hasn’t worked well.
In all seriousness, there is a piece of this “anti nurture” stance that I appreciate. JUST being positive doesn’t accomplish much. Overpraise – that sloppy, saccharin way some people interact (especially with kids) – has terrible detriment (though underpraise is probably worse).
My daughter, Emma, recently entered a garden in the County Fair. We were asking her how it went on the setup day, and what the adults there said to her. “They said I did a good job, but I didn’t know if that meant I really did a good job or not.”
“Why honey, what do you mean?”
“Well, you know, adults always say how great kids’ work is to make them feel good, so you don’t know if your work is really good or not. Except Suzanne [Emma's fabulous and tough dance teacher], she hardly ever says something is good so when she does you know it’s really good.”
I also agree that JUST talking about feelings is pretty much useless. Again, treating feelings as an anathema is probably worse. But emotional intelligence requires more than “just talking,” it requires accuracy and insight. Emotional wisdom is an even higher standard – it takes going from awareness to action – which requires a robust mix of skills.
One of the key principles we teach people learning to use our emotional intelligence assessment is that BALANCE is at least as importance as overall competence. Someone who’s highly skilled in one competency can overuse that to their and others’ detriment – as I wrote a few days ago, even an incredible valuable asset like optimism can go awry when it’s used without the balancing effect of other strengths.
And, in the end, would you rather live in a world with well meaning happy people who are over-caring and over-praising, or in a world with steely-eyed grouchy “realists” who can’t be bothered to care and find praise a waste of oxygen? Maybe somewhere in between?
Joshua Freedman
Part of the Six Seconds' founding team, Josh is one of the world leading experts on emotions, change, and performance. One of a handful of people with proven experience creating organizational performance through EQ, Freedman leads a world-wide network of EQ change agents. (sd)
Thanks Josh for a great post! As a coach I often work with clients whose find themselves stuck and unable to get the results they really want and when we start to look at the situation together I find that clients are usually only take a logical approach to solutions. However, when I support them in identifying the emotion involved, acknowledging it and then finding a way forward, my clients tend to not only find their solution to their current situation, but they have gained a skill for life.
Just yesterday I was working with a client who wanted to discuss her avoidance of dealing with her family finances. As we talked further what she discovered is that her block isn’t really about money at all – it’s her frustration and anger that she is the one in the family that has the responsiblity. At one point she even said “I’ve never learned to acknowledge the emotion”…once she did, it was much easier for her to find her way forward. She even put in her new pattern acknowledge emotion as the first step!
She now as a tool to help her in multiple situations and all because she took a pause to use both thinking and feeling together! When we use both, I find we make better choices and get the results we really want.
simply silly.
You mention what our parents have gone through and the great
things they acomplished. They destroyed traditions. thats
about it. Our parents are the weakest link.
Hi Pinktac0box – I think my slightly sarcastic tone occluded my intended point – when I said “see how fabulously well they’ve done with the big challenges of life, such as…” I meant they’ve actually had a lot of trouble with those things.
And further I’d suggest that being raised to ignore feelings is a major contributor to that mess.
Joshua,
I’ve been noticing this self-help bash as well, and wrote about it last week. I think people are seeing past the forced and unsubstantial optimism that’s spouted through feel-good books and practices.
The example with your daughter is an excellent one. If at her young age, she can’t trust many adults for being emotionally honest with her… imagine what she will be able to detect when she’s much older? When our children feel something’s not right, it’s a clear sign we’re off course.
I think we need to aim for that middle ground. We can’t force optimism and we can’t condemn it either. Like you say, we need balance.
Interesting point Melissa – what happens when the “over praised” grow up… a schema of mistrust or entitlement? Sometimes I think that I’m parenting my children plus their children… etc… a bit daunting!
For optimism – I like the idea of “realistic optimism” ala Stockdale Principle – confront the brutal reality and maintain the conviction that we will prevail. When we act as if “everything’s rosey” when it’s more like rose fertilizer then we’re moving into denial, deception and mistrust rather than optimism.
NurtureShock spends several pages explaining how kids born to black and religiously fundamentalist parents aren’t harmed in any measurable way when they’re beaten, which in those cultures is generally pretty much “practically all the time”, saying it quickly. They’re all I’ve read of it–about pp 184-187–but if I were Barbara Ehrenreich I’d demand that my book not be mentioned in the same breath with anything so slimy, manipulative, or idiotic.
Max Blumenthal, too, has a new book out, one that as it happens devotes a chapter to what happens when people pretend there’s no harm in ignoring this kind of *real* nonsense, insisting it doesn’t concern them: http://nospank.net/dobson1.htm
(If you’d like to contrast that with President Obama’s view watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gXKIALkVt0&feature=sub )
I don’t care if the rest of NurtureShock is 100% whole, error free and printed in gold, so long as that credentialed permission for parents to keep right on behaving like slavemasters exists in it, what it’s *not* and never will be is “SO right”.
Joshua, yes, I think you are parenting your children plus their children… etc… not to daunt you though!
The best one can aim for is mindfulness, and education, right?
Thanks for that mention, I’ll look into the Stockdale Principle. I’m a realist, but also an optimist. The way I see it, you can’t be one without being the other!
Steve, thanks for sharing your take. The thing with studies, is that any slant can infiltrate science. And any reporter/ book writer can run with whatever slant they so choose. Science is cultural. We can’t forget that.
I only gathered quick first impressions of the NurtureShock NEWSWEEK blog, but from how they handled the “EQ Debate” with Daniel Goleman last week (http://bit.ly/4gxFkP), I’ll proceed with extra caution.
Thanks Josh. Two thoughts: Have you seen “Revolutionary Road?” It contains one of the most terrifying scenes I’ve ever witnessed–because of the emotional self-anniliation occuring during a tranquil breakfast in the 1950s. (This of course, still happens.)
Also, heard an expert on the Wise Counsel podcast talk about working with “difficult” kids and the vital need to strike a balance between too much permissiveness and praise on one end and authoritarian rule and lack of affection on the other. His clinical practice shows that either end of the spectrum is a problem, although too much praise/freedom are less damaging in the long run.
It seems whenever there is a movement in one direction for period of time, there is a backlash, an attempt to go back to a previous time. The people that are writing anti positive books are taking advantage of the opportunity to put out something contrarian which is bound to get media attention.
Where I think that the positive thinking/feeling movement may be vulnerable is in not emphasizing enough the part of the change equation that requires effort, perserverance and self discipline. If you listen to the Secret you can get the impression that all you have to do is think positive thoughts and all your dreams will come true, that nothing else is required.
Like you Josh, I hope that we don’t go back to the era that our ancestors lived in where we have to suppress our emotions but I don’t think that is likely to happen. I think that what we are seeing is a reaction to some of the extremes of the positive movement. This can be a good thing as it will cause us to pause and reevaluate where we are going. Great work on the article Josh, your passion really came out!
Thank you for the article. I think the most important part of what you’re discussing is that positive thinking isn’t the problem as much as repression of negative emotions like anger, dissatisfaction, jealousy, etc. Repression is taught to us all early on, and it cripples us greatly. I have been reading a great book called “Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller and your article is resonating with my interpretation of it.
It isn’t so much choosing a balance between happy and realistic, as much as allowing oneself to acknowledge one’s own emotions and let them run their proper course. In response to Harvey’s comment, I must say that hard-work is a virtue we’ve all heard many times before, and it’s important, but it’s hard to work hard when repression drains us of our motivation to succeed. Repression gives us a drained existence.