We honor writers and musicians who bare their souls. We gravitate toward speakers or colleagues who share their deepest selves, warts and all. So why, after decades of self-disclosure, is it so hard for me to trust that I won’t be judged for what I reveal?
It isn’t that I don’t disclose. I do. I reveal my inner world to friends and colleagues, as a blogger, and in my training seminars. I’ve always been emotionally literate and have valued sharing my “true” self. When I discovered the field of EI, I felt immediately at home. But…. I’m aware enough to sense my desire to hold back details. And lately, I’ve sensed a slight inner queasiness after self-disclosure. Is this because I’ve moved from the realm of fiction (my work as playwright where I could hide behind characters) to nonfiction (myself as the canvas).
What do you think about self-disclosure?
The inner world is incredible, wondrous, and mysterious, isn’t it? Suddenly tonight (after taking some vital R & R) I finally see the connection between my striving and my deep loneliness. (How’s that for self-disclosure? I’ll probably feel unsettled about that one tomorrow).
You may suggest that my discomfort illustrates I’m sharing too much. Maybe…. But I’m not naïve enough to want to share everything. I understand healthy boundaries. Perhap I’m learning to trust more. Maybe I’m suffering as an athlete does and I’m building stamina and trust. Perhaps there is no way around this psychological vertigo (at least for my own psychology).
What are your rules about self-disclosure?
I totally relate to your article.
I often don’t want to share my REAL feelings, because I’m uncomfortable about what they are. Although, as a trainer, when I do self disclose, the most positive feedback I receive is when participants say that they really related to what I have said, and they appreciate my honesty.
Almost always, people say that they don’t tell their true feelings (particularly at work) because they will be vulnerable and they fear it will be used against them. I have never found a satisfactory reply to this comment. Because people do make fun of us and put us down for being open and vulnerable. What can I say to people when they ask me about this?
Thanks for your reply Ute. I also appreciate your honesty!
My thoughts to your question: For me, part of EI is working to understand when a situation is truly unsafe, and when it is only my exaggerated fears (based on unrealistic thoughts) that create feelings of vulnerability. Learning to discriminate between my subjective inner world and the outer world is a lifelong process for me. Through practice and observation, I do believe we can learn to recognize when a situation is truly unsafe. That doesn’t mean that we don’t disclose at all, but we can be careful. We can also learn to withstand aggression from others and not take their words to heart. But it is very difficult!
If we are able to stay in dialogue with the aggressors, we can possibly change the situation through our clarity, strength and courage. But it is hard!!!
Thanks again for your thoughts.
I very rarely respond but I do appreciate your thoughtful and transparent sharing. I am not sure if what I am sending you is exactly what you’re pondering but the following quote may at least give you something else to reflect on. The quote is by Irvin D. Yalom, a true master in the field of group therapy.
“The most common secret is a deep conviction of basic inadequacy – a feeling that one is basically incompetent, that one glides through life on a sleek intellectual bluff.”
As for my own rules on self-disclosure – there are some things that are not anyone else’s business, for example the details of my sex life. If you were to ask me do I have a good sex life my response would be Yes I do. But that would be the all that I am willing to share. Because I work as a therapist dealing with First Nation clients who are seeking help in recovering from addictions to alcohol and drugs I am often asked if I am a recovering addict. In the beginning of my career as an A and D counselor I always said yes, and then would say how long I had been clean and sober.
Now after years of talking to addicts and studying the phenomenon of addiction I have come to realize that I was never an addict. I did abuse drugs and alcohol for nearly thirty years and my behaviours caused me and family many problems. But in actuality I was just an irresponsible, immature self-centered jerk. But I have changed, now I’m just a jerk. I don’t mind discussing my personal history, my feelings and being transparent. But there are limits. I do this work in safe environments with people that I trust. I have been deeply wounded by people who have attacked me after I have opened up and was in a vulnerable position so I have learned to protect myself and yet still be willing to take the risks necessary for personal growth.
I want to ask you something, has a person ever come to you and disclosed that they did something that they were deeply ashamed of? If this has happened to you how did you respond? Did you think less of them? Judge them in a negative manner? Or did you have compassion for their situation and a deeper insight into that individual, a kind of ah ha moment that brought you and that person closer? My work has taught me not to judge people but rather to look behind the behaviour and try to understand where the person had learned to act that way. Usually they are survival skills learned to cope with dysfunctional environments.
But I am rambling, keep up the good work.
- Ralph
Hey Ralph,
You ask a powerful question about when someone discloses. In workshops people frequently do disclose, sometimes it seems like “not a big deal” to me, but I sense it is to them and they have strong feelings. My intention is to “normalize” the feelings – to make space for the feelings and let them be, not to fix or fade or correct.
To disclose a little, yes, sometimes I do judge people negatively in my own head and heart – “that was stupid…” – but I work hard to SEE that in myself and then to challenge that way of evaluating, and re-judge…
Normally, my reaction is to become curious and to open myself to their experience. I find that when people take a risk to share, I recognize and honor that risk, and that “automatically” sparks empathy and curiosity – and then, as you said, I then feel a deeper understanding and connection.
Warmly,
- josh
Hi Laura,
I really appreciate your reply to my post. I resonate with your comments very much. And I know for myself, that my fears are almost always my own irrational thinking. And I agree it’s a life long journey to get clarity. I also know deep down that people aren’t really concerned with ME, they are in touch with their own fears. Knowing this, and remembering it at the crucial time is a challenge. I also know in my family, angry and sad feelings were never allowed to be expressed, so I am doing well to change as much as I have!!
Ralph, thanks so much for your quote from Yalom. I think that is so true.
I also appreciated your input. I also know that if someone asks me about something I don’t want to share – it is OK to say “I prefer not to talk about that” – rather than say something that I think would be acceptable.
I really appreciate Six Seconds because you are truly in touch with EI…and I feel validated every time I read your comments.
Thank you for that.
Josh and Ute,
Thanks for the feedback.
Ralph