I have always loved little boxes, they’re all around our house and I have a collection near my desk.
I’ve decided to make one a Dream Box in an attempt to stay hopeful.
I’d like to say I’m not afraid to talk about this, but the truth is I am. I’m afraid that you will judge me because while I’m “supposed” to be tough, to be a “real man” and have that “executive presence,” in fact I’m uncertain and lonely. I often doubt myself and question the value of my work. I suspect this is true for a lot of people — I suspect it’s especially true for people who are attempting to lead and venture into new lands.
When work is relatively easy, the voice of doubt is quiet — or at least shouted down by all the excitement. But in times like these when economic pressures mount and work and life become more challenging, the doubts get louder and more pervasive. Apparently it’s not just an economic depression. I go from doubting my direction, into doubting my vision, and then the doubt spreads to my very identity and I feel depressed.
Sadly, I know just what to say to myself to cut myself down, and on “bad days” I overwhelm myself — I tell myself I’m not making a difference, that I’m wasting the best years of my life, that I’m sacrificing for nothing. I tell myself it would be so much easier to just work for someone else and let them worry, to go to some well worn conventional path rather than tilting at endless windmills – and that while it’s sad that I’d make more money doing meaningless work, the evidence is that’s more valuable. In our society the messages are pervasive money equates to value and success… and with so much economic uncertainty and fear abounding, that message becomes more potent.
Another part of me tries to stand up and challenge the doubter, but it’s all too easy to find evidence that the doubts are right. Especially when the phone isn’t ringing.
Yet somehow that other optimistic voice just won’t give up — and there are a lot of “good days” — and that’s why I want the dream box.
A few months ago someone emailed thanking me for an article and said, “never doubt that you are making a difference.” As I’ve thought about this post, those words keep running through my head. I don’t want to doubt — yet I do. So I’m going to go find that email and put those words in the dream box. Just yesterday someone name Kaye emailed about the EQ Certification training and wrote, “it is still the single most powerful professional development that I have done” — Kaye’s words are going in the Dream Box. Often after workshops people give me notes — they’re going in too.
Because even in the worst of these moments when almost all of me wants to give up, I try to imagine what I’d do instead, and I keep coming back to the foundation of our vision at Six Seconds. Yes, maybe it’s irrational and maybe even hopeless, but somehow we – humans – have to find a way out off the self-destructive treadmill we’ve created. We need to find value in ourselves and each other more than in money and things. We need new visions and new skills to learn to love more deeply, to genuinely care for ourselves, each others, and our world — and no, my contribution won’t make this change, but what if I could make just a small inroad? And if not me, then who? And then I see messages like Kaye’s and I think maybe we are — not fixing it, but leaning the right direction. Though the road is long and the path is steep, just a few steps might make a vast difference in a few people’s lives.
So I’ll take the reminders and put them in my dream box. Then when the doubts start shouting, that other voice will have some backup.
- Knowing Isn’t Coaching: Three Emotional Intelligence Tools for Professional Coaches - April 3, 2024
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Thanks for the sharing! I can relate to all that you are saying and it is reassuring for me that my “dream titbits” is not such a loony silly thing to do.
Cheers!
A very frank assessment of where we really are today as a collective (admit it or not)and the need to develop and awaken to a deeper and more inclusive vision of self/others but neccessarily grounded in self awareness. I find Eckart Tolle such a visionary (there are others) and he picks up on the essence of ancient wisdom from different religions, cultures and sages…all pointing to the fact that until we understand the root cause of doubt and its tricky origins we will always be its slave. Thank you for sharing an honest and courageous perspective. Perhaps its another sign heralding the awakening of a renewed consciousness ?
Josh,
I always love reading your articles. Somehow of late, they just haven’t caught my attention. Anyway, when I heard you had a box collection, I was intriqued as I love boxes too! I thought the article would touch on why we find comfort in these boxes and what attracts us to them? So when I found you were trying to store your good thoughts and dreams in them, I immediately realized the reason we like boxes, is because we hope for a wonderful surprise or just the tactal feel of opening them or feeling the smooth wood or glass or viewing the decorative elements of them. I think the hope and surprise of receiving a gift is probably the sense we are seeking. I think your gift is that we are all allowed a sense of depression of feeling down and looking for the answer in a little box.
Wish it were so easy to pick ourselves up. I just love when I read your clips that you are so in tune with your emotions and allow yourself the latitude to have them. I can just relate to that down feeling and that sense of loneliness. I too have recently expereinced this is another form. The political climate and economy has impacted my relationships with others to the extent that one of my friends has placed our relationship on exile. I was very depressed and worried that I had done something wrong. It has taken several weeks for me to realize, that people’s insecurities can cause them to react in unexpected ways to each other. I am so giving and allow people the space for their needs and feelings, when I took my own space I’ve gotten such a negative reaction. Now, I doubt whether these are true friends.
To just know other people go through similar emotions, is just re-assuring. We are here for you Josh. Keep allowing yourself and all of us the space we need to deal with tough emotional roller coasters! Keep those boxes close by and remember they are about the good surprises in life and there is always a new surprise around the bend.
Thanks once again Josh. The comments in the postings have borne testimony to the great work you are doing. I just read an interesting article titled “Giving up your soul is bad business” by Tacito Nobre published in “The Systems Thinker” v.15, N.6, Pegasus Communications, August 2004. Quite a good read and appropriate for the topic.
You have touched many lives positively, Josh, without you knowing it. That’s the mark of a great leader.
Thanks for the message, which was passed to me by a good friend. I like the idea that what we are doing may not be working or going well, but we are leaning in the right direction.
Thanks again.
Dear Josh-
Your posts tend to hit the bulls eye pretty darn often. Your humility and clarity in expressing the complexity of emotions/experiences inspires in me a self reflection that takes the form of questions: What are the masks? What am I masking? Who am I under the masks? Who am I in relationship with partner, friend, teacher, colleague? What are my practices and values supporting? Thanks for making your distillation process so transparent- the “spirits” that result are elixirs for the weary traveler!
with love-
Bob
Hi Josh,
Wonderful post! A few years ago, I became very ill and the doctors were not sure if I’d pull through or not. I started receiving cards and notes from people telling me how much I –and the work I did — meant to them. I collected all the cards and they kept me going. I found this wonderful velvet box that I put on my desk and I started putting all the cards, notes and e-mails into the box. It’s a habit that I’ve continued for the very reasons you’ve mentioned. I called it my “Contribution Box” for those times when I wondered if I was making a difference. Each year I start fresh (and I carefully pack away the year before). My goal is to make sure I fill up my box every year. Bobbi
I couldn’t believe what I was reading… felt like I had written down my own feelings when those feelings of self doubt invade me. Iis amazing how the encouragement of others pulls one through.
Thank you for all your hard work.
Shehnaz
oops,Joshua
one last thing
I have a list of 25 reasons why I can’t and won’t give up.
I look at that list many times a month for the energy needed to
achieve my dreams.
we all need to think PERSONAL ENERGY MANAGEMENT.
Look for and create personal sources of energy
Dennis
Hey Joshua,
great article, doubt, interesting concept
one way to look at doubt is to first welcome the thoughts
it’s our way to challenge the commitment to our purpose and test the level of energy you are directing towards it.
every time we overcome doubt, we strengthen our resolve.
Make your day Great, unless you decided otherwise..
Dennis
Hi Josh,
You are singing my song buddy. I have a few more hours on the clock than you do and I have had the same feelings sometimes in the extreme. I have been a professor of management for 15 years and there are times I feel like all I am doing is jousting at windmills. However, that is not rational or true and it is neither rational nor true in your case either.
There is no instant gratification in the business of maiking the world a nicer place to live and that is what you (we) are trying to do. It is easy to look at all of the work left to do and feel dispair. While I do that myself, once I catch myself doing it I decide to wallow in it for a limited amount of time and then go help someone else or go back to my own file of feedback from people who have said that I made a difference in their lives.
While it would be nice to be able to get everyone to recognize the obvious, that being nice to each other is the best way to live, there is too much incentive to be selfish for short term gain for many to get it right away. Your mission (our mission) that we have taken on of our own volition is to be a positive influence on others to make the world a better place. We do this one person at a time starting with ourselves. You are doing a great job. You, Marsha, and Anabel changed the way I approach my classes and your work goes on through me impacting no fewer than 200 college students a year and uncounted employees of my consulting clients.
My point is this: You will never get to see the totality of the positive impact that you have on the world. Believe in what you are doing and know that you are accomplishing more good than you could ever imagine. Be nice to you and tell that inner critic to stuff a sock in it for me.
Regards, Frank
Dear Joshua,
I too am a huge box devotee. I think it started some years ago when I was watching a skit on Monty Python’s Flying Circus and in a mock film review a reviewer said, where is the ambiguity? Over there in a box next to the symbolism.” I loved the idea and created a symbolism box that hung on the wall for people to drop off or pick up any symbolism that they had.
Later I discovered the work of Joseph Cornell at the Art Institute of Chicago and was amazed at the worlds he discovered in such small places. It inspired me to create boxes for my children’s birthday and to celebrate special occasions.
I love the idea of a dream box and will create one here on my desk to remind me the importance of dreams and hopes.
Thank you for your posting.
Sincerely,
Paris Cheffer
Josh – Kudos for taking the big step to discuss your doubts. From my vantage point, yours are the fears of ENTREPRENEURS EVERYWHERE. I have found great relief and support from an organization call The Strategic Coach, which caters to entreprenuers only. One tool (there are many), The Positive Focus, is an intentional daily, weekly, quarterly tool that forces you to admit what’s right and where you’re making progress. We are programmed as driven, independent folks to only see what hasn’t been done yet. It’s our special gift/curse! You can find them at http://www.strategiccoach.com. I have been a member for 8 years now. Be strong and Be well.
Dear Joshua, many times when doubt comes, feel everything is useless and it does not deserve the effort because you are wasting time, I think about those many individual and silent heroes who I do not know but each day wake up and leave their lifes upon strong efforts and activity just to go ahead.
Many times I think about my parents, all they have done during their lifes, many times it was not comfortable, many times I am sure they had doubts, but they never abandoned and some of us are here to testify about the heritage they left.
I also think about those people who sometimes in life or even during their whole life have to share misery, extremely bad conditions and they do not give up, and they go on, keep up and finally there is a result, there is a better situation, they achieved. Probably not a whole and complete success but they fought the challenge.
Am I living worse circumstances? Am I passing through tougher challenges? Probably it is waiting for me when turn round the corner one day, but not now, not today, my fight, my effort is not much more difficult than theirs.
Not always everyone got to success, but have to try and do your best, there are no guarantees, life is change and chaos, do not try to manage or control, just flow through it forward your aims.
Each contribution makes the difference, have you ever smiled because a child in the street smiled? is it different when you give your contribution? probably the child did not see your smile in response, but there it was and probably yours generated a new one.
(I read you post and could not avoid to leave my perception. Thanks)
Dear Josh,
You are doing a valuable work.Thank you.Loved the dream box idea,it’s like a step to rise above.
I just wanted to say that I really LOVE your blogs and articles. They are inspiring and keep me motivated to stay on the EI track. So, remember that you are making a difference everyday, whether business is booming or slow, whether you have responses to your blogs or not…you are making a difference! And you are helping us to make a difference too!
Leading through depression: Just the right words at just the right time – thanks.
Josh – thanks for this reminder. I too have a ‘dream box’ I call it my FEEL GOOD FILE. I had forgotten all about it until this note. Looks like I have some filing to do!
Great, great, great ideas and expression of inner landscape that is easy to approach. Not all of them are. I wish you enough.
You are the expert, and as I understand it Emotional Intelligence isn’t about always having the same emotion. It is witnessing the range of emotions, and choosing to apply the healthy one.
Your article merely takes the concept of E.I. and shows the reader how to apply it in every day living. Thank you for making the whole idea of E.I. more accessible. I am sorry it involved some fear and frustration on your part to do it. Still, even in that you demonstrated E.I. by taking these negative emotions and producing something positive for yourself and all your followers. Congratulations!
The dream box is good, and I would like to share another idea. I heard this from a U.S. Navy Admiral speaking to an R.O.T.C. graduation class. He told these new officers everyone needs an “I love me” wall, on which they post their awards and memorabilia of achievement. The advantage of this tactic is that you see it when you are feeling down, and when you are feeling up. It is less passive in its support of you. I’ve had one in my home ever since, and it does make a difference.
Social and emotional educaiton/ learing is an investment in the future of our kids, our communities, our country, and our world. In a world as complex, connected, and potentially dangerous as ours, learning, practicing, and refining social/emotional skills is every bit as necessary as math, reading, writing, science, and social studies. Giving up is not an option.
With national education standards a possibility is 6-Seconds working with other groups (CASEL, US Dept of Education, teachers’ organizations, etc…)to ensure SEL becomes a required part of education?
Josh, your dreams and visions are essential – don’t let them go!
However, we also need a loud-mouthed (but couth) “General” knocking down barriers. Who will it be?
Josh,
You are AMAZING!!! Thank you for sharing yourself so authentically with us. You not only speak for yourself, but also for me and many others. I’ve been in a FUNK for the last few weeks for the same reasons. I started out living my dream of building my own consulting practice focusing on EQ a little less than a year ago. Now with my husband’s corporate challenges and down sizing, I need to put myself back on the job market which is tight as well. I am committed, however, to keep the EQ conversation alive through weekend and evening study groups and workshops. I don’t have a dream box, but I do have a vision board where I place my dreams. Your words help me realize I’m not alone in this and together with collective consciousness we can still make the EQ difference one person at a time despite the circumstances. I’m preparing to promote a few workshops locally. Some folks I know are anxiously waiting for the date which makes me hopeful. I am grateful to you and your colleagues for the difference you’ve made in my life and career. Thank you for WHO you ARE and the STAND that you take for the world. Keep your head up high!
Are you Catholic? Feeling compelled to serve? Being who you are is enough, Josh. Attachment to the outcome causes suffering.
The one encounter I had with you on a video conference was so memorable – your kindness and intelligence confirmed for me that this is work worth doing.
Depression is nothing to mess around with. In your interview with Martin EP Seligman you asked him if he considers depression something other than a disease and he says “approximately, yes…” That approximately is a VERY large word, and I do not think anything he said in that interview diminished the complexity of the condition. Take care of yourself. You are important and your work is important.
Josh, It’s been a awhile since I’ve read the EQ newsletter…..In this busy thing, that I call my Life, I file it knowing that I will read it later, when I have the time. This morning was the time. Thank you for such a great email. Working in a university environment things are fast paced and often you never really get to know if you make a difference. A smile form a student says you have made a difference. A new student asking a question, tells me I’m making a difference. Your email this morning, made a difference for me! It helped me to realize that during times of need, taking the time for ourselves to reflect, makes a difference. THANKS for making a difference!
Dr. Can
Josh,
A very courageous note and it is one that hits a chord for many during this challenging time. I was thinking about this challenge we live in as I drove to work. How will history write about this generation? Will we achieve the status of greatness as the Great depression generation did? I think all we can do is take care of today, this moment and the people that show up in that moment. Live with integrity, honesty, love and care…. All things are working for our best interest and history will reveal this truth in time.
Thank you for sharing yourself,
Touched,
Barbara
Josh,
One of the measurements of high EQ is authenticity, which is what you have demonstrated through your willingness to share that although you’re ‘top dog’, there are times when you feel insignificant, de-motivated and unproductive. I have struggled with bouts of clinical depression ever since the birth of my second child, 28 years ago. Although I’ve never intentionally placed my episodes on display, I have been honest with some who needed to know why I was discouraged and lacking my normal energy levels. The result has been that over the years, people have come back to me and shared how my honesty in this regard helped them to seek assistance, to know that ‘strong’ people also suffered, and generally, helped them to feel more accepted during these times.
I am sure that your honesty and authenticity will help others, too.
Josh, after Daniel Goleman you’ve probably done more than anyone else to spread the word about emotional intelligence. And you’ve done more than anyone else to provide opportunities for EQ practitioners, thought leaders and business leaders to come together.
You’re going to need a bigger box!
Hi Josh,
Thanks for the wonderful piece. It really struck a chord of resonance in me. I left full time government job about 5 months ago and have been busy trying to set up a consultancy geared toward developing managers and leaders to strengthen our health systems. I advertised a course this month and received only three people who indicated interest but finally did not show up. Self doubts have cropped up and I begin to ask myself whether am in the right direction. I then remembered Colonel Sanders and the KFC recipe that was rejected over 300 times before it found a willing investor. Your idea of a Dream box has cut ice with me. I have resolved to pursue the dream and look forward to making a difference. Josh, your EQ certification training is really opening people’s eyes to other side of their life as one Volunteer told me while I was doing a debriefing. Keep up your good work!
Dear Josh
Sometimes one gets a message like yours and it resonates to the bone. This is the first time I have ever blogged just so you understand how moved I was by your message and how much I agree that we all have to take a long look at our lives and understand how short it is and how meaningful it should be.
In the midst of this financial crunch I am leaving my overseas working lifestyle and heading back to America to do just that- to create for myself a purposeful life filled with passion and probably not a lot of money.
Thank you for your thoughts
Jude
Hi Josh
What a wonderful article, and thank you for the thought process, I myself am struggling at the present moment with the ending of my 25 yr marriage , putting a career first and traveling internationaly for 17 yrs has finaly taken its toll. I find myself in the funny position of being successful in business but judging myself on the failure of the personal life. I have since met a wonderful woman , a colleague of mine who shares the same passion and work life, we have met such resistence in the business due to this , that I now understand people may have IQ but not EQ and a complete balance is required to be happy, Unfortunitley Emotions play an important part in our daily lives and these negative thoughts tend to break down a persons confidence and make one doubt themselves. People judge on gossip, they judge and regret which makes them unhappy and in that they make the business place and everybodies lives a misery, when they are side stepped they become even more ugly and bitter, which impacts on their performance and that of others. My dream box was packed away for many months, my hope box was non exsistent, until last night when finally I realised that you only have one life to live and its such a short life that can be taken away anytime. So instead of looking at the situation and being depressed , its about taking a leasson and making a difference , being out there on the front lines being that leader and knowing when to say yes and when to say no, also understanding that when a person does not or at that present time cannot believe in themselves, it means you as a leader has to believe in them and show them that , so their own hope and dream box can be filled.
Thanks for the wonderful words
Cameron
Hey Josh,
I’m full of doubt every day – always wondering if what I’m doing is the right thing. I’m not reaching out to hundreds of people, just 3 – my teenage kids. I’m trying to teach them about loving who they are, respecting others for who they are and feeling ok about life in general – it’s a bit of a challenge as two of my kids have Aspergers and all three suffer from varying amounts of anxiety. But I get a huge boost from your work. It makes me feel ok to not always know what’s best but to just work from the heart.
Thank you!
Josh, your very being is an affirmation of the spirit in all of us that can never burn out, that has to keep trying to shine brighter, that has to share. Your blunt, beautifully written words that come right from your heart will touch many others and will help you keep soaring.
I remember your beaming face on stage at the EQ Convention in the Netherlands. You were in your element.
Bless you. The world needs you.
Thank you for committing to words your thoughts and ideas they are very special.
Hi Joshua
If anyone should try to judge you negatively for such a wonderful post, then I think it perhaps is more a reflection on them than you. Your willingness to write down and share what many of us feel is admirable. Perhaps it is the willingness to have doubts that drives us to continually improve, as opposed to those with no doubts and no inclination to get better at what they do.
Personally I can relate very easily to your story as it seems as though I am looking in the mirror. On my web site and on linked in I have literally hundreds of testimonials, yet everyday when I am not delivering I ask myself what I am doing wrong. I seem to find it hard to focus on all the things I do right and the positive difference it makes for others. Funny thing being human.
I guess in the end we just have to stay honest and true, keep improving and then others will know that we are making a difference.
Of course the flip side is that less honest people with stronger marketing will always be richer in financial terms than we are, but richness of deed and spirit is a more rewarding one in the end.
Thanks Again
Mark
Hi Josh,
I can relate very well to your thoughts.
I guess we all carry insecurities, fears, anger,etc subconciously in our minds, no matter how positive outlook we have and are determined to have a good day.
But at the same time we cannot ignore the warning bells and an uncertain tommorrow, these fears are natural, and if I deny these thoughts , I am not a true , normal human being.
Even today like anyone of us I try to control my feelings and take things as they come.
I even try to comparmentalize my activities, so that I can give my best to what ever, but at the end of the day I have tried to do my best, and maybe not met someone else’s expectation. The fact is i cannot please everyone, because the more I try the more i will fail.
Josh,
I think it was exactly a year ago that I underwent your program on EQ certification in Bolgna. I had an exhilerating experience of feeling diverse emotions within me and in others , through words animated with feelings and through changes in moods visible on the faces ,all these triggered by extremely skilful design of the program and the activities.However, shining through it even today ,what lingers are several essential truths about human conditions- about empathy , about love , about noble purposes in lfe.It was pure gold of learning and it made a huge difference for me.
Sometimes ,I begin a day fabulously with soaring energy and mind lit up like a Christmas tree ,soaking in whatever meets me and then suddenly there is a downturn from an unexpected event or reaction. I have been struggling to explore the great secrets of the sages and their gift for equanimity. However, something comes out of restlessness, sometimes high wind blows away the dust to reveal new riches.So ,may be,while we keep the gold ,we can turn them into new jewelleries.
I think it is quite healthy to have a little doubt of everything. It is precisely because we had too few experts who expressed any doubt about the sustainability of our economic/business model that we are now in an economic depression. I am hopeful that from this economic crisis a new incentive system might emerge that seeks to reward investments in education and human development, and material wealth will be lesser important than emotional health.
Hey Josh,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts/feelings with us all. I liked your comment about how much easier it is to believe in what we are contributing to others/the world- when things aren’t difficult. Thanks for all you do. Truly mean that.
Karen
Self doubt follows me like the hungry’s in the commercial. I am going to steal the idea of the dream box. Something to make the inner child feel better and the adult feel better. I will save the good things to make me laugh or salve my wounded feelings. Thanks for a new idea.
Yo Josh — Great stuff! You set a wonderful example of walking the talk. Your dream box sounds like it’s really working for you, emotionally, so way to go.
I, too, have doubts sometimes that what I/we are doing really makes a difference. However, I also truly believe that there is NOTHING in the world we could be doing to make MORE of a difference than to help change people’s entire view of themselves and their world! You just can’t get any better than that — not money, not food, not clothing — nothing makes a more profound and lasting and rippling effect than to open one’s eyes to the vast, untapped potential inside them, the many choices they have, and how much they can do to help change the world. Caring is daring and giving is living!
Rock on, Josh. You’re doing the right things!
Keep making it work for you, so you can keep making it work for others.
– Matt
Thanks, Joshua for the tip. It came just when i really needed it. I venturing into a new project to introduce a positive and respectful caring system in our schools, in place of the out-dated punishment reward system. i have my secret doubts and cuncertainty about the direction i have taken.
thank u so much
Sebastian
We all have doubts and moments of despair. My technique was to ask myself, “Will this be importnat this time next year?” It certianly put htings in proportion!
Joshua:
This is a note for your dream box. In one of my courses for my PhD in Child Development, I was introduced to Six Seconds and the EQ classroom. I have been hooked ever since and look forward to the newsletters. My students are university seniors, not elementary students.
Rosemarie Jaekel, RN, MSN, FNP-BC,PhD candidate.
For me, your words came at the perfect time. Last night I went for a big dunk in the pitty pot. This morning when I opened my eyes I felt what I call ‘the lead suit of depression’ enveloping me. Tonight your words brought so much comfort and I love your idea of a Dream Box. Thank you so much ……..you really do make a difference.